Friday, January 02, 2004

Happy Insignificant Holiday to Everybody!

The New Year has come and gone and what do we have to show for it? Well, you went and got yourself knocked up earlier in the year and got an abortion at the seven month mark, you disgust me. But this isn't about you, it's about me. In fact, this isn't even about me, it's about this stupid "Holiday" in the first place.

What did I do for New Year's you ask? First, I'd like to thank you for asking, and I'm sorry about snapping about the abortion thing -- I mean, I don't have a problem with abortion, but seven months is a bit too far in. Second, I'll tell you what I did for New Year's (and you'll like it). I was lucky enough to work on New Year's Eve. Since I work about a half hour away from home, and I got off at eleven (he totally said "got off") that put me home at 11:30. What's a girl to do then? I watched a movie (28 Days Later), masturbated, and went to sleep, and not in that order -that part you'll have to guess. Actually, the masturbation part was the most fun, I played a game with myself you see. I had on "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve" and I tried to time it so just as the ball dropped and hit the new year, I spewed my man-goo across the television screen, covering all of the kissing New Yorkers as if I was some new, half-retarded Giant Horseman of the Apocalypse with a giant erection.

But that's not the point.

The point is that celebrating New Years has to be the stupidest Holiday around. Not to belittle those who've celebrated it, I mean, sure it gives some people reason to drink (like they need a reason, filthy alcoholics). What irks me about it, though, is its absolute insignificance. Celebrating the New Year is like throwing a party, getting high, drunk, having sex with a bat (however you celebrate), when the miles on your car hit 100,000. WOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!EXCLAMATIONPOINT Some people say, "But it's important because it's symbolic. It's a chance to start over." You know what, whore, you're lucky I don't punch you right in your smelly mouth. You can always start over. If you need some sort of fictional Holiday to tell you to do this, then I need you to remember that Groundhog Day is symbolic of a time when you need to send me a thousand dollars and give me lots of blowjobs.

So all day at work today, when my guests would say to me, "Happy New Year", I would stick my pinky in my anus and wipe it on the rim of their glass. So if you were one of my guests tonight, Happy New Year to you too.

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