Sunday, November 07, 2004

Bruise Clues!

You ever have a bruise that you know you shouldn't touch, but you do because it kind of tickles when you do? That's how I feel about my vagina. Seriously, though--because that's how I try to keep this blog--I don't really have any bruises right now because the most active thing I do is poop (but I do take a Poolates class at the gym, so it's not just regular shitting, it's shitting and sweating), but when I do get bruises, I thoroughly enjoy touching them. Some people think that it's masochistic, but I think that it's fun. I especially enjoy touching my bruises when they're on a pretty woman's uterus.

I'm watching Celebrity Poker Showdown as I'm typing this, and I just noticed something. Dave Foley and Phil Gordon, the hosts, have a weird thing that they do. They don't do what commentators of show normally do and look at the camera, the viewing audience, but they kind of stare longingly into one another's eyes as they discuss the poker hand. It's strange, but very romantic.

Back to things I like to touch. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I hate when people touch my belly button. Honestly. Especially when somebody sticks their finger deep within the baby-Jessica-imprisoning well I call my belly button. I can't really describe the incredibly horrible feeling that pervades my body when this happens, but it's best to just say that it makes me feel like I have no parents. Think about what you'd feel like if you had no parents--not what if your parents don't love you, because they don't and you already know how that feels--and that's how I feel if somebody touches my belly button. I was discussing this with somebody the other day, let's call her "somebody," and she asked how I'd feel if somebody touched my belly button, but they were on their way to "other areas." Now, I'm not quite sure if she meant that the person would run by and touch my belly button as they were heading to Reseda to visit Daniel Larusso, but the way she was smiling when she said it, I think that she was implying something sexual. I'd have to say that if this was the case, the amount of time the person would be allowed to touch my belly button would be directly proportional to the amount of time they touched my other outtie. I'd have to say a temporal ratio of, like, 45 to 1 would suffice. That last sentence would sound really awesome and smart if it was about something like science, but it still sounds pretty awesome knowing it's about blowjobs.

Homework of the day:
Your homework, if you should choose to accept it, is to post a link to my weblog on another place where other people can see it (even if it's your message board for hemorrhoid support) and leave this message with it:
Jesus doesn't love you because he's too busy loving this guy.

The easiest way to do this is to copy and paste what I wrote and click the next weblog thing in the upper right-hand corner and leave it there. Also, you can change the message to reflect how you really feel about this website. "I'm sure glad you're way more talented than the cuntbag at ." Whatever works for you. Then, if you want, copy and paste the link of where you left it in the comment section of this post so I can grade your work.

Interesting thought of the day:
Self-promotion is so much easier when other people do it for you.


Anonymous said...

Jesus doesn't love you because he's too busy loving this guy.

jaxun said...

Jesus DOES love you, but not as much as this guy...

jaxun said...

Orrrr this girl(?)...

By the way, "Hiroko" is Japanese for "Jesus-san-u". And chippu means "All God's children". Or penis, I can't remember.

whore said...