Monday, July 04, 2005

Happy Birthday...World!

While the 4th of July is actually an American holiday, every country on the planet celebrates it out of love for the United States. Since we're like everybody's best friend, they are just as happy for us as we are when our birthday comes around.

Also, since it's a well-known fact that God favors the United States in anything we do (GWB says so, so it has to be true--he's a modern day Neopolitan, Napoleon, Nostradamus, whatever), we have Jesus and Angels on our side as well. That means that somewhere in Heaven, Jesus has on an American flag bandana and is dressed up exactly like Bruce Springsteen in that video where he gets a handjob from Courtney Cox on stage. To pay homage to both the United States and the Boss, Jesus is getting a handjob from Courtney Cox's dead grandmother.

We have received a few gifts from other countries already, but most are going to be handed out at the big party tonight. America rented out the back room of a Chili's for the bash!

  • France gave us a bottle of wine and an Earth, Wind & Fire Greatest Hits CD. I didn't want to say anything, but, I mean, they gave us the Statue of Liberty once; whatever happened to putting that kind of thought into a gift? Sure, we'll drink the wine and probably listen to the CD, but another giant statue would have been nice. You can never have too many.
  • Canada gave us a gift certificate for a day spa. Yeah, it's nice, but it's only for $50 dollars. That's not exactly going to get everybody in America a full-release massage. Also, when they gave it to us, they said that, since their dollar is weaker than ours, that the gift certificate is both a birthday and Christmas gift. Cheap-ass Canadians.
  • Singapore sent us a card that they Photoshopped of Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden sixty-nining. It's funny, I guess, but they didn't even put any cash or anything inside. I understand, though, we've never been that good of friends. For their last birthday, we did send them a thousand children that they force into slave labor. So it just hurts a little, that's all.
  • California, Washington, Oregon, Hawaii, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinios, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Vermont, New York, Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland, and Washington D.C. sent a funny card saying something about seceding from the Union. It was hilarious. They even got all of the political figures and a majority of the citizens to sign it. They really got everybody involved in that practical joke--even Hawaii who isn't even a real state anyway.
As a majority of American's gifts to themselves, they're going to get really drunk and play with things that explode. And, as their gift to me, I'll get to see video of it on the internet. God bless America!

Interesting thought of the day:
I have a pocket full of wishes and a wallet full of dreams that I'm hoping to trade for the opportunity to poop on a prostitute's chest.

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