Sunday, May 07, 2006

Houdon'ti!

Today we have guest writer David Blaine contributing to Don't Read This Weblog! He is currently encased in a snowglobe filled with water and voodoo in New York City.

Hey guys,

Well, don't ask me how I'm writing this, because everything around me is soaking wet, it's magic! Have you guys been keeping up with the progress of my latest illusion online? If not, feast your eyes on the splendor and glory that will have your mind and heart racing to figure out how I do it when I EXIT THE TANK TOMORROW NIGHT LIVE!

That's right. Remember how I've been in that tank for, like, a week? Well, now, in what I believe is the greatest magic performance to ever grace the human race, I am going to stop being in there! Totally!

Mind-blowing? You betcha. Nothing blows anything more than me, David Blaine! I blow the most!

You know, initially I was going to submerge myself in a giant vat of au jus for a month and give away free french dips to passers by--"Taste the Magic!" the sign would say--but ABC nixed that when they realized people wouldn't be able to see me and that there was a 100% chance I would develop and subsequenty pass on beef syphilis. It's like regular syphilis, but it smells delicious.

Then I said that I should perform the death-defying stunt where I stare at a wall for a year straight with only bathroom breaks and the occasional blowjob from a supermodel. Then, at the end, after months of hype about the end of the trick, I turn to the camera, pull an Ace of spades from behind the ear of a nearby child and say, "Was this your card?" People would kill themselves at the thought that anything ever to happen on this planet could be better than what transpired.

In fact, I'm afraid that's what's going to happen at the end of this one. I mean, can you imagine? I'll be in water for a long time, and all of a sudden I won't be anymore? On second thought, don't imagine it, the pure glory of it all has been scientifically proven to cause spontaneous combustion.

I hope to see you all on Monday night, when all of your lives change forever and you greet your new Messiah, me, David Blaine, as I rise from the metaphorical womb of giant, invisible, asexually reproducing Jesus live on ABC.

I'm going to be so wet! It'll take maybe three towels to wipe me off! Wrap your heads around that, NASA! You can't. It's magic.

2 comments:

eob said...

David Blaine sucks, puh. Good post, puh. I dont know when magic stopped being tricks and started being foolish public displays of "survival", puh. I think the real trick is how he gets people to tune into his shit, puh.

Freakazojd said...

Blaine is a waste of space. Great post.