Quick and Dirty!

I don't have much time to write today, so I'm just going to relay a note that I wrote on my desk.

People who pronounce the 'h' in herbs are omos.

Poker? I Hardly Know Her! (Besides, She's Not Dead Yet!)

When I started my one-month, non-stop Blogtastic Blogapalooza, or BlogGate, or whatever, I said that the reason I had stopped writing was because I was busy playing online poker.

Well, I started playing again and told myself that I could as long as I kept up my writing. So, last night I played in a 343 person $11 tournament (plus rebuys--those that know poker, know what I'm talking about, those that don't, don't worry about it). I ended up getting third place without rebuying once. I won $1500.

The exchange rate from U.S. Dollars (USD) to Unemployed Dollars (UD) means I won roughly a million dollars.

So I've been looking around at houses and I've already bought a Lamborghini (I know nothing about cars except when I was a kid I either wanted a Lamborghini or the Delorean from Back to the Future). I have paid off all of my family's bills and I bought the moon*.

*Lunch!

Anyway, I was thinking about Ancient Rome and I was wondering how tough it would be to have a fake ID there.

Bouncer: So this is you, huh? When's your birthday?

Tiberius: September X-I-V, umm, C-C-C-L-X-X-X-X, wait, III Xs, not IV Xs. Wait. Okay, let me start over.

Bouncer: Well, how about your address.

And, scene.

Interesting thought of the day:
Molestation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Where's the Beef?

I'll tell you where: in lockdown, bitch!

Police in Nigeria arrested a cow after it killed a bus driver who was peeing on the side of the road.

First, Nigeria really needs to change its name. It's one 'G' away from getting its ass kicked by Ghana and the Sudan.

Second, it's a cow! If you get killed by a cow, then you deserve to die. This includes the people who do the running of the bulls and rodeo things. It's a big-ass animal and, while it's probably pretty powerful, it's not like a cheetah that can sneak up on you; you can see a cow coming from a long ways away.

Finally, if a cow does manage to kill somebody because it's gone crazy with a fever, and the only cure is more cowbell, then just go ahead and kill it. Don't arrest something that, if you kill it instead, it can be delicious. This is why I hope after Michael Jackson is convicted (he won't be), they kill him instead because he probably tastes just like cotton candy covered in pounds of semenless boy ejaculate.

I'm going to start an all-boy dance troupe called Semenless Boy Ejaculate.

Interesting thought of the day:
The Passion of the Christ is one of the most historically inaccurate films ever made. A lot of people don't realize that Jesus wasn't even crucified. Instead, he just got really drunk one night and everybody wrote on him while he was passed out. See what 2,000 years does to skew a story?

It's Raining Men!

A Long Island Special Education teacher found an unpleasant surprise yesterday morning when she looked into her backyard and saw a human leg. Apparently she heard a loud bang as the leg slammed into her roof after plummetting from the wheelwell of a South African Airlines jet where, presumably, a stowaway was trying to hitch a ride.

Authorities assured the woman that it fell in her backyard because "she is doing the Devil's work by teaching them retards to read and talk."

From the article:

"I guess it was some poor soul who dreamed to look for his freedom," [the lady who found the body] said. "I'm hoping he wasn't in much pain."

Yeah. Having your body ripped apart at 30,000 feet is equal to a tummy ache in the pain department.

If he really wanted to get out of Africa, he should have come over by ship like all the rest. That worked out well for them.

Interesting thought of the day:
I cheat at CandyLand with color blind children. "It's not red, it's green, bitch! Now get your mommy to change your diaper because your shit stink is giving me a headache. Damn."

Were You Not Entertained?

Russell Crowe, mostly known for his now-defunct band 30 Odd Foot of Grunts (and I didn't even have to look this up), and somewhat known for his acting career, was arrested the other day for throwing a phone at some motherfucker who got all up in Maximus' Maximus's his face.

I have a lot of questions about this situation:

1. Why doesn't Russell Crowe have a cell phone?
2. Why is this concierge guy even messing with Russell Crowe?
3. Was the phone one of those old-timey ones where you hold the one thing up to your ear and you have to talk into the phallus sticking out from the box and say things like "Guv'na" and "Tally ho"?
4. Do you think I could beat up Russell Crowe if I tried really hard?
5. Shouldn't Russell Crowe have just urinated on the concierge and told him, "Don't you know I'm a celebrity? Technical problems don't happen to celebrities."
6. Is throwing a phone at somebody's face Australian for beer?
7. Why does Russell Crowe's $3000 a night hotel room think that it's better than me?
8. Do you think getting hit in the face by a telephone thrown by a celebrity hurts more or less than it happening from a mere mortal?
9. Do you think that if the concierge guy was the Last Dragon he would have caught the phone with his teeth?
10. (Follow-up) If the concierge guy was the Last Dragon, did he move-a his feets-a to Daddy Green's Pizza (or, alternatively, was he like hot melted butter all over my body)?
11. How tall is Russell Crowe (the only unit of measurement I use is in terms of how many Oreos high something is)?
12. Do you think that if Evie from "Out of This World" was there, she could have reacted quickly enough to stop time before the phone hit the concierge in the face?
13. Would she have wanted to? (I heard that that guy is a dick and totally deserved it)
14. Does it also bother you that the television show "Punk'd" uses an apostrophe in its name instead of spelling the whole world out?
15. If Russell Crowe threw a phone at 40 miles per hour, and the concierge threw one at 25 miles per hour and they were standing 20 miles apart, how far away from Russell Crowe would the two telephones collide? (Show your work)

Please answer some or all of the questions in the comment section below. I will be grading these and those that fail I will humiliate in front of the class.

Interesting thought of the day:
No matter what your parents say, being the harp player in the marching band is never cool unless you always wear a leather jacket and have your smokes rolled up in your sleeve.