Box Office Kreskin!

This is going to be a regular feature every Friday or whenever new movies are coming out, so if you hate movies, reading, or photoshopped pictures of Ben Affleck engaged in various activities (a high probability), you should probably skip this.
By the way, that's my worst Photoshop job ever. I didn't even bother trying to add legs. You know how hard it is to find an actual photograph of a pegasus? It's roughly as difficult to find a picture of Renee Zellweger looking anything but horrifying.

Chicken Little
Remember when the word "Disney" wasn't synonymous with "I'd rather watch my grandmother jerk off a horse?" Well, if you're too young and only have masterpieces like Home On the Range (Bust a moo! Fucking kill me) in your memory, trust me on this one. Disney used to make some pretty good cartoons. This probably isn't one of those good ones. Instead of making sure they have a good script, they spend too much time trying to nail down the actors that the kids like. Don't get me wrong, I like Zach Braff fine, but just because he's doing a voice for it doesn't mean that it's going to be either good or entertaining. I mean, I love Charlize Theron, but if she took a shit, I still wouldn't eat it. No matter how German I was feeling. Besides, it's obvious that they spent all their money getting 81-year-old picture of hip Don Knotts.

The sky is falling? More like Disney's stock price is falling! Am I right, people? Come on.

Jarhead
So I don't know anything about this movie, but, suffice it to say, I think the Archie comic books have pretty good grounds for a lawsuit. If this movie is about a guy who wears a crown made of felt, rarely opens his eyes, hates girls and loves to eat, somebody's in trouble.

Also, somebody tell me if there's a point in the movie where he gets a special trinket that goes on his hat that makes him irresistible to the opposite sex because then they're blatantly stealing. That's just lazy, Sam Mendes.

This movie is about what would happen if Donnie Darko lived and decided to join the military after his brush with nearly being crushed to death by a plane engine. He fights in the Gulf War alongside a guy in a giant rabbit suit and the child molestation machine that is Patrick Swayze.

They call him Jarhead because, at one point, he tries to fish out the last pickle in the container with his mouth, but it gets stuck on his head. The entire scene is a metaphor for his inner struggle with his own homosexuality. Sam Mendes, director of American Beauty, loves to work in metaphors--especially homosexual ones. It's widely known that all metaphors are at least bi-curious.

Saw 2
This is the sequel to the movie with quite possibly the worst "twist" ending in the history of films. And I'm including the twist at the end of You've Got Mail where Meg Ryan isn't eaten by lions.

Though it was the champ at the box office last weekend, don't look for it to repeat because if there's one thing kids like to watch more than people having body parts amputated, it's a serious, black-and-white movie about Edward R. Murrow and the McCarthy hearings. Look for Good Night, and Good Luck to break $100 million this weekend.

"Dude! Did you see the part where Edward R. Murrow totally dissed Joseph McCarthy?!? Fucking extreme! Let's go skateboard off of a building on the back of a panther!"

Interesting thought of the day:
Filet-o-Fish, the McDonald's sandwich, is not, as they would like you to believe, Irish.

Insane in the Domain!

So, I bought the domain name www.dontreadthisweblog.com. You can now use this to advertise my weblog if you want. It just redirects to this page, but it's much less confusing than thetoon.blogspot.com.

And, remember the best way to advertise my site. Yell out, "Don't read this weblog dot com!" and then punch whomever you're talking to in the face/throat/neck. My website will make its way onto police reports around the country!

"So, tell me what happened."

"This guy who I've never seen before walked up to me, asked me what time it was, yelled out, 'Don't read this weblog dot com!' and then he karate chopped me in the clavicle."

I want to see that description on thesmokinggun.com within a month please.

I would like to be regaled with tales of how you are getting the word out about my site. Photographic evidence and/or links to the website where this happened would be greatly appreciated in the Comments section.

New Hall of Fame Opens Amid Rabid Protest!

The Hall of Fame has become the mark at which members of a given profession aspire to reach in order to solidify their place in history. The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. The Baseball Hall of Fame. The Inventors Hall of Fame. A high level of esteem and respect is given to anybody who manages to be inducted into the aforementioned hallowed halls.

Recently, however, a new Hall of Fame has opened in Palm Springs, California that many people find to be grossly inappropriate. The National Institute for Celebrating Evil (NICE) has opened its latest installment in poorly themed Hall of Fames.

The Child Molester's Hall of Fame opened Monday despite countless death threats to its curators. This "only made them hotter."Their Fondletron 3000 is a machine programmed to perfectly simulate some of the most famous child molestations in history. Always wondered what it would be like on the set with Roman Polanski? Wonder no longer. They even have a giraffe handy for their "Neverland Ranch" scenario.

But famous child molestations is not the purpose of the Hall of Fame. According to the founders, who wish to remain anonymous, it's to bring attention to the landmarks in their favorite pastime.

For instance, an entire section of the Hall sponsored by NAMBLA (The North American Man Boy Love Association) and Jamba Juice (in what can only be categorized as a misguided advertising decision) is devoted to the "Good Ole Days" in Ancient Rome when men and young pre-pubescent boys were allowed to cavort freely in bathhouses in the most primal of ways. In case you're interested, this area is called "The Arist-toddler and Socra-tease Wing."

And, finally, when one enters the Hall, they are greeted by the face of "modern day" child molestation, Thaddeus T. Barrington, and one of his famous sayings enshrined on a very large plaque.

If young children weren't meant to be used for our own perverse sexual desires, the Lord God shouldn't have made them so adorable--and physically weak.

The price of admission is $10 for adults and, of course, children are free.

For those wishing to check out other inappropriate buildings NICE has erected, you can visit the following:
The White Power Water Park in Huntington Beach, California (No matter how wrong the message of this theme park, Slide Fuhrer is awesome).
The Annual Naked Fat Guy Parade And Art Show in Duluth, Minnesota.
And
The Purposefully Handicapped Inaccessible Building or No Legs, No Service in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

I Hate Comics 5!

Edit: I contemplated using the word "faggots" in this entry because I really hate the word. But, in this context it was much better than "homos." So, deal with it.

Faggots.

Maya Sharona!

Mel Gibson's recently held some sort of a something where he talked about the new film he's working on that's about an Ancient Mayan civilization. Whatever. I just like how crazy he looks.

So, I spent much too long in Photoshop for a mediocre mock-up of what I hope his new film will be.

And the following picture is a completely undoctored picture where I'm assuming he's discussing how he plans on rallying his Christian extremist troops to finally "kill all the Jews for what they did to Daddy Jesus."By the way, you guys like the new site description uptop? I ask because I'm an attention whore.