Sentences Are Funnier with Numbers next to Them!

Lots of people make lists when they're trying to encapsulate a category of humorous items all under the same heading--most famously done by David Letterman with his nightly Top Ten Lists.

I now know why they do these things: It's a way to write some (questionably) funny things without having to put them in any sort of real context. It is with this reason that I, too, will be joining the Society of Listers (SoLs).

Today, I present to you, the list of however many I decide to do of things that a bear would think if he was in a supermarket.

Things That a Bear Would Think If He Was in a Supermarket

1. When will they stop writing about Brangelina? Enough already! I hate bees.
2. Hot Pockets 2 for $3? That's a pretty good deal. I love catching salmon in streams.
3. Should I get the two gallons of milk for $5 or the one gallon for $3.50? Who am I kidding? I won't drink two gallons before they expire. My top run speed is 25 miles per hour.
4. Does anybody ever buy the sandals that they sell here? I would buy them and eat them because I'm a bear and I don't know any better.
5. Is this cashier a homo?
6. That little girl in the shopping cart is a cutie. I'd maul the shit out of her.
7. Of course, I get stuck with the cart with the screwy wheel. I'll bet I could jump over one of these with a running start because of my powerful hindquarters.

And there it is. I had to end on powerful hindquarters. So, today it was seven. Tomorrow it could be a hundred. That's what's so awesome about being me; I never know what I'm going to do. And, also, the way that I smell.

The State of the Union Is Extreme!

On Tuesday, January 31, the 43rd greatest President of the United States is going to give his State of the Union address. I've been lucky enough to get a hold of an advanced copy of his speech. Needless to say, things are going to be pretty much the same this year as they've always been.

Health Care

He's going to propose a drastic change to the country's Health Care system. This will include allowing every American to see a faith healer with zero out-of-pocket expenses. He's also going to start a system where you can, for a small donation of $5,000, send him a letter (hand-written, no email--we'll get to that later) requesting for him, Jesus's President, to pray for you. And this is only for health-related concerns. You have to purchase a bigger package (available for $10,000 and up) in order for him to make a non-medical-related prayer on your behalf. And, if you donate $100,000 or more, he'll request that all the "good American people" pray on your behalf as well.

He's also going to introduce his new "Cocaine and cereal" diet for the children of America. The following is a direct excerpt from his speech:

"You know, Cap'n Crunch and a little nostril confetti. Hell, that's all I had for four years of college and I was thin as a rail. Besides, my new Drug Czars, Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan, swear by it."

Big Gulps

Again, this is verbatim from his speech.

"Big Gulps are awesome. Have you ever had the Double Gulp? It's twice as much Mountain Dew as a regular Gulp. Effective immediately, the new official drink of the United States and the Winter Olympic Games is the Mountain Dew Code Red Double Gulp. You ever go snowboarding and you wish you had 128 ounces of soda with you in one easy-to-carry, non-spill briefcase? Well, America. You're welcome."

Magic


"I realize this may sound silly, but magic is real, people. I'm not talking David Copperfield. That guy's all show. But have you guys ever heard of this David Blaine fellow? Now that guy is real magic. I don't throw this around lightly, though I did say the same thing about Michael Jordan, the guy who invented doughnuts, and Crocodile Dundee, but he could very well be the new Jesus. No lie. I saw him grab this chicken and pull its head off only to put it back on a few second later and it was fine--like it didn't just have its head ripped off. Now, maybe you're like, 'It was a trick chicken, like the hilarious rubber ones or something.' No. It was a real live chicken. But, if you don't believe that, that's fine. This dude levitated, man. Straight off the ground like six inches. And you could tell that it was real because after he did it he was all tired."

Gay Marriage

"I know it's been a hot-button issue lately, but...What does that even mean? A hot-button issue? That's a weird saying. I'll bet that somebody made that up. Well, I guess all words are made up. In fact, I'm going to make up a new word right now: hat. That's my new word: hat. Wait. That's already a real word. My real new word, and this is the going to be the official word of the United States (and the Winter Olympic Games), is the Lambada. Maybe it's not technically a new word, but it's no longer 'forbidden.'"

"Back to the gays. They're still not getting married. Fuck them." (editor's note: This probably won't make it to broadcast and will probably be changed to something like, "I love gay people, but marriage is between a man and a woman and it will stay that way as long as a 2,000-year-old book makes the laws--and that's forever.")

Computers

"Look, I know that these computers are sweeping the nation, but I'm going to be honest with you: I can't check my email. The guy who works on the White House computers says that mine can't receive email. I don't know why. I just got it for Christmas this year. It was supposed to help me with my spelling. As some of you know, I am not very good in that area. So, Laura got me this little laptop computer. It's red, has a handle on top, and when I punch in the letters on the keyboard, it speaks the letters out, spelling them to me."

Iraq

"Blah blah blah. I can't hear you."

Fishing with People Who Have Played Robots on Film and/or Television: Week 2!

As you may have been able to guess, we had one hell of an opening week here at Fishing with People Who Have Played Robots on Film and/or Television (heretofore to be referred to as Robo-Cod).

Things started off with the spotlight on one extraordinary young man, and the spotlight never left.

D.A.R.Y.L. (the non-aging Data Analyzing Robot Youth Lifeform) had never fished before. In fact, he had spent time near some water once, but it was an uncomfortable situation where old people lived in cocoons at the bottom of a YMCA swimming pool in order to try to live forever. This was his first time near the water since that traumatic event.

He shared a different strategy than his opponents, the lovely (and not technically underage since she's not a human) Vicki from Small Wonder, Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation and the short-lived, but critically-hailed Cooking with Cyborgs show on Bravo, and Optimus Prime from that robot makeover show.

I think he wanted to stand out from the others since he had heard some voices on the opening days of the competition. He couldn't quite pinpoint where they were coming from, but they were all saying the same thing, "Who the fuck is D.A.R.Y.L. and why didn't you guys get Paul Walker out there instead?" Well, first, I had to do some research, but Paul Walker isn't actually a robot though his acting ability may prove otherwise. I performed tests on him and he is not, in fact, an artificial being. So we had to ask D.A.R.Y.L. to appear.

He was determined to prove to those invisible voices just who he was.

He conferred with his mentor, the King of the Fish People, to figure out which strategy would be best.He told young D.A.R.Y.L. that if there's one thing fish hate, it's Mexicans. But, since D.A.R.Y.L. didn't know any Mexicans or what those even were, he would have to pursue plan B. "Well, if you don't know any Mexicans, I guess fish also hate books. They especially hate being read to."

With this in mind, perpetually-young D.A.R.Y.L. set out with a plan. He would bore the fish to their own deaths. He had found a book which seemingly had no conclusion which he thought would be perfect to use. All it would take would be to curl up with the book by the water and just read this "Neverending Story" into the lake until the fish killed themselves and floated to the surface.

Of course, he's simply a gullible robot and didn't realize that the man he was talking to wasn't actually the King of the Fish People, since that's just silly and no such person exists. That man was actually a homeless guy who has had thirty surgeries so far to try to repair the dorsal fin-shaped tumor branching out of his head. He did not set out to deceive young D.A.R.Y.L., for he actually believes what he says, but that is because of the extreme amount of pressure on his brain from the aforementioned giant tumor. He is neither King of the Fish People nor able to walk through walls and turn invisible at will.

Yet D.A.R.Y.L., unaware of this information, tried his plan out. To his credit, he did everything he could.Even when times got rough and it started raining, D.A.R.Y.L. simply shouted out at the heavens, "MEXICANS!" in hopes that this would infuriate the fish and they would erupt from the water ready to do battle.This did not happen. As fish do not hate Mexicans; they hate Jews.

His tiny robot soul was crushed (yes, robots do have souls which are 1/100th the size of human beings--but still infinitely larger than the non-existant souls of retarded people).

Smelling depression and low self-esteem in the air like a shark smelling blood, a nearby pedophiliac dragon swooped down to try to cheer D.A.R.Y.L. up while hoping to satisfy some urges of his own. The two flew off into the sunset never to be seen from again. It's speculated that, when the dragon found out that D.A.R.Y.L. did not have genitals like a normal boy (he actually has an electrical outlet), he was subjected to the anal Habitrail (a complex system of tunnels which, if he made the wrong turn, left him staring at the inside of a dragon's anus) where he would live out the rest of his eternal life.Next week: Down to three contestants, Data, Vicki, and Optimus Prime. Who's the next to go?

I...Love Comics!

No more I Hate Comics Tuesdays. Sorry, kids. It's boring to me.

Maybe they'll be back on an irregular basis (just like my bloody stools), but, for now, they're dead.

If you'd like to say a few words in its memory, feel free. Once the ceremonies are over, it will be cremated and its ashes will be spread all over the filthy floors of its favorite neighborhood peep show left to be covered in the semen of random perverts just as it was metaphorically covered in my own hate-semen during its life.

Count McDracula!

A woman in Delaware (whose state motto is, "Delaware: Our major export is people!") has filed a lawsuit against a McDonald's because she says that the sundae she bought for her 12-year-old son contained blood.

The more likely explanation, however, is that some strawberry topping accidentally got on the boy's frozen confection. Well, either that or Rhonda, the woman whose vagina miraculously dispenses frozen yogurt (and also has perfect pitch) was on her period.With as sue-happy as people are, I hope that this ushers in a new era of even more frivolous lawsuits.

I promise you, within the year, somebody's going to sue Olive Garden because when they shut their eyes and put their hands in the pasta, it feels like BRAINS! Gross! Totally sick!

I think I'm going to finally sue Wendy's just so they stop it with the square hamburgers. I get it! You're different. You love geometry and meat. That makes two of us. But you need to take a page from the Prince Carnivore of Beefington at Burker King and let me have it my way. Now start making with the rhombus-shaped slabs of beef STAT.

Interesting thought of the day:
"Terrence, the towel-toting teetotaler, takes ten tantalizing teabags to the tongue" is not only a fantastic tongue twister, but also a telling insight into the sexual practices of one young man.