Let Me See That Soooooong!

"American Idol" is in full swing and it led me to, once again, exercise my musical ability. This time, however, I haven't actually written any of these songs. These are all simply suggestions of song titles which I believe should be the first single released by whomever wins the show.

• You're Just Jealous of my Tearaway Pants
• I Didn't Want to Date You Anyway, Girl--You're Probably Terrible at Halo 2
• Second Cousins, First Love
• Rabies Ain't an STD (So D-O M-E)
• I Karate Chopped a Tree In Half, I'm Just Sayin'
• Riding through the Clouds on My Flying Bicycle Made of Meat
• That's Right, Pillowfight (Aryan Nation Theme Song)
• There's a Pudding in my Lunch Box! (Fuck your Fruit Roll Ups)
• The Eight-Pound Tumor (Ode to My Newborn Son)
• The Cryogenically Frozen Head on my Nightstand
• Shit-Sneeze
• Your Memory Loss, My Gain
• If Jesus Was Around, He Would Want to Fuck You
  

Snakes on a Plane: Revisited!

Maybe this is premature, but I know that with the impending success of Snakes on a Plane, that it will spur knock-offs.

The following are just a few scripts that I'm working on with hopes that I will be the first to cash in on the magic. In no particular order, I give you (click them to get the full effect):Shake on a StainAn Old Boot on the Jungle Boat CruiseBees in a Chrysler LeBaron

I have already trademarked all of these with the Writer's Guild of America (West Coast), so don't even try to steal them.

Who Else Seen the Leprechaun? Say Yeah!

I don't have time to write about it, but please watch this.

The Reptile High Club!

Some of you have probably heard by now about the theatrical event of the 21st Century which will be hitting theaters August 18th, 2006. Others have not. That's why I feel it is my duty to let the massive audience of around a quarter million readers a day know about Snakes on a Plane.

If you click that link, you are taken to the trailer for a cinematic revolution. I don't want to bore you with the science of it, but here's how it works out.This is the best thing to happen to movies since the money shot.

A recent article points out that, because of the "buzz" surrounding this movie, there was recently a five-day reshoot to add in more of what the fans want, especially the line you see in the equation above. However, I don't just want to hear Samuel L. Jackson say, "I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking plane!" My mind is going crazy with things I want to be said in this movie.

• I swear I just saw a snake crawl out this bitch's blouse!
• If you look out the left side of the plane, you'll see the Grand Canyon, and if you look out the right side, you'll notice the entire wing is being engulfed by a python. (This leads to the sequel, Plane in a Snake!)
• Hey, baby. What do you say we sneak to the bathroom and become members of the Mile High Club? What did you say? Sssss? That sounds ssssexy. (Then he turns his head and notices his wife is dead and a snake is eating her eyes and that's where the sound was coming from. Then he pauses, looks straight ahead, swallows loudly, then screams.)
  
• Stewardess! There's a motherfucking python in my orange juice!
• I'm too old for hiss shit!
  

Smoke on the Water!

I don't have much to say about this story, I just felt like I exceeded my clever quotient for the year by thinking of the title of this post.

A Carnival cruise ship caught on fire.

They said that it was probably started by a cigarette, but we all know that piracy is making its comeback on the high seas once again and, more than likely, it was actually started by a flaming cannonball that interrupted the Seniors Volleyball Game. Mint julips and Tom Collinses are highly flammable. Yes, Collinses.