Castro Finds Fountain of Youth!

Fidel Castro, who has seemed so close to death the past year or so that the Cuban people carry pinatas and party hats in the trunks of their cars, has once again announced that he isn't dying any time soon.

That's where I've been the past week and a half: investigating internationally. I don't just Photoshop silly pictures of Britney Spears; I'm all detective-y and shit.

I learned just how it is that the Cuban dictator manages to stay alive against all odds. He drinks Cuban orphan blood from a bronzed cup made of pieces of JFK's skull. It's a literal fountain of youth. While he was busy stuffing a kitten into a paper shredder so he could shower (you'd think he'd have people for that), I stole a sip of his magical broth. I'm sure you're curious what it tasted like, but it's a personal experience, like accepting Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior or your rules for thumb wrestling.

I can tell you this much: the side effects are amazing. Not only do I feel twenty years younger (which makes me eight), but my urine now has three settings like those fancy shower heads. Also, if I fart in a jar and save it, a week later it will become a magical fairy which will grant me three wishes.

So, while Cuba may be under oppressive rule for eternity, at least now my belly button is a mouth which dispenses financial advice to me.