Stunt Dishes!

I just saw what could go down in history as the most ridiculous commercial ever made. When I use the word ridiculous here, I don't mean that in a good way like, "Yo, that new eyepatch is ridiculous, Bluebeard. Go on with your bad self." No, I mean ridiculous like this: "That new machine that rapes babies is ridiculous." If there were such a machine, I'm pretty sure it would be just as ridiculous as this commercial I saw.

The commercial went something like this: Hi, I'm a guy selling Dawn Dishwashing liquid. For some reason we have a lot of dishes that we cleaned with Dawn all lined up back to back, between two motorcycle ramps. Now, Robby Knievel has to jump them on his motorcycle. Yay, he did it. See? Dawn really works.

The commercial made no sense whatsoever. I guess Dawn had Robby Knievel locked into some sort of a contract. Actually, now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense. Motorcycles + motorcycle ramps = clean dishes. If you ever watch that show on Discovery where they make awesome motorcycles, their dishes are always very clean. And they don't have dishpan hands.

In fact, I just thought of a new commercial. Stay with me. Closeup of a glass of red wine. Pull camera out to show the glass of wine sitting on a white carpet. A dog comes by and spills the red wine onto the carpet. A toothless man wearing nothing but a flesh-colored unitard smacks the dog in the face with his wiener and says, "Remember, have your pets spayed or neutered," and proceeds to sodomize the German Shepherd as Foreigner's "I Want to Know What Love Is" plays in the background. Closeup of the wine on the carpet and dog squealing in the background. FADE OUT.

Look for that on a TV near you. It should be preceded by a Dawn commercial with a guy jumping over dishes on a motorcycle.

Murderstravaganza Weekend!

The History Channel, this weekend, decided to run a marathon of Infamous Murders for hours on end (how else do marathons go?). Aren't we giving these murderers too much credit? I mean, it's really easy to kill somebody, the hard part is not killing them. They should make a show about all the times that I restrain myself from murdering numerous people on a daily basis. The following list contains people that have escaped my murderous grasp within the last week:

*The guy, the other day when it was raining kind of hard, who was on his cell phone getting on the freeway, not paying attention.

*The strange little boy in Best Buy earlier today who smelled heavily of B.O. and kept running into me. A boy that small shouldn't have B.O. already, I figured his murder would benefit us both.

*The guy last night at work who paid with a hundred dollar bill for his $80 check and only left me five. I'm actually still planning on killing that guy, the wheels are already in motion.

*Finally, that guy who got married to Britney Spears just because she needs to be single again so I can still put it in her without feeling guilty. Sure, they're probably getting it annulled, but it's just to be safe.

There you have it. Now that I see it in print, I don't think that would be as interesting as people who actually did the murdering, so forget what you just read.

Happy Insignificant Holiday to Everybody!

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Naps!

Naps are great. Sometimes I'll take like four in a day just because I can. Sometimes, when I'm napping, I dream about taking more naps. There are times when I'm lying there, napping, and I'm struck with the thought, what are you doing here napping when you could be out doing something, but then, at the mere thought of the absurdity of the question, it exits my mind.

You know what else I like? Of course you do, you're me, the only person who reads this. Well, I'll put it in type just in case you ever forget what I like. I really like lesbians. They are awesome. Granted, only the good-looking lesbians are what I'm really interested in, but lesbians in general are just awesome. They have so much going for them. I mean, the fact that they have the same pieces as the other person they're with, yet they still want to touch/fondle/caress/lick/burn/bite those other person's parts is so respectable. Then, couple that with the fact that they put these things on video for so many of us to see, I mean, they have to be the most giving people in the world. In fact, I'm fairly positive that all lesbians should be put up for Nobel Peace Prizes. As we speak (and remember, when I say 'we' I mean me and me since nobody else reads this) I'm busy writing a letter to the Council That Decides Who Should Win Noble Peace Prizes (you think they'd make that more succinct) about this whole idea.

By the way, if you are reading this (anybody but me, somebody I don't know preferably), send me an email and let me know just how awful all of this is.

Mickey's Severed Head!

Have you ever had to set a mousetrap? I'm not talking about those new-fangled glue traps where the mouse gets stuck on it and tries to gnaw off its own leg. No. I'm talking about the old school mousetraps. The mousetraps that look like medieval torture devices.

They're scary as hell.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a complete and total stud in all aspects of manlihood. But, oh my God if I didn't almost pee my pants trying to set that thing. And I had to do two of them! It's scary because the stupid thing is more sensitive than a fat girl at a dance. I don't even know if that analogy made sense, I just wanted to say 'fat girl at a dance'. Anyway, now I know where the expression comes from about building a better mouse trap because there's no way in my life I'm setting another mouse trap. I'll buy some nightvision goggles and a beebee gun to hunt them down instead of setting another mouse trap.

I also think I was afraid of it because the traps that I got looked all rusted and tuberculosis-inducing. They were in a package and everything, but I think they were recycled or somebody left them out in the rain or something. If that thing slapped shut on my hand (which it tried to do like nine times), I know for sure I would have had to go get a tetnis shot, rabies, AIDS (the new AIDS shot, coming soon), and a pink eye shot. That thing was more disease ridden than (insert skanky girl name from your high school, ex-girlfriend/boyfriend, or Pamela Anderson's name here).

This has been a friendly public service announcement reminding you not to ever set a mouse trap because they're very scary and will probably result in you crying a lot because you're not quite as manly as I am.

Email me here for story ideas, suggestions, or to agree with me on just how frightening mouse traps are.