The King of Pop Zap Pyoo Pyoo!

It sounds like I'm making it up, but I'm not. Michael Jackson wants to build a giant, 50 foot robot of himself that shoots lasers to roam the Las Vegas desert. I'm sorry, maybe you didn't catch that. Michael Jackson wants to make a giant robot of himself that he'll let loose in the Las Vegas desert. And it shoots lasers.

I want to know how it will work. Will it be one of those things he sits inside like a bad guy in a video game? Or can he control it from a secret underground lair? Maybe, while it's being created, the building will be struck by lightning and it will take on a life of its own. It'll be like Johnny 5 from Short Circuit, except with a huge, Vitiligo-riddled robo-dong.

That sounds like something he told somebody he wanted to do after he had a terrible crying fit over something.

INT. MICHAEL'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
MICHAEL sits on a couch, arms folded, crying. His agent, HARVEY, stands pleading with Michael.

HARVEY
Michael, I'm sorry that we had to turn off
your XBox, but you had been playing for 30
straight hours. Please stop crying.

MICHAEL
But I wanted to keep playing XBox.

HARVEY
Your children were worried about you.

MICHAEL
Children? I don't have any children.
I made new friends using my penis and
magic!

HARVEY
Okay. Well, whatever. Just stop crying.
What can I do to make you stop crying?
Do you want something?

MICHAEL
Yes.

HARVEY
What do you want, Michael? You want me
to shape Elephant Man's bones into tiny
dinosaurs for you again?

MICHAEL
No! I want...I want...a giant robot.

HARVEY
A giant robot? We can do that.

Harvey picks up his phone.

HARVEY (cont'd)
(into phone)
Get me a giant robot. I don't know.
Japan probably makes them. They love
that shit.

He hangs up.

MICHAEL
Wait. I want a giant robot of me.
Yeah. And...and...and...

HARVEY
Of you? People can't be robots, Michael.
Only robots can be robots.

MICHAEL
And it has to shoot lasers. Yeah.

HARVEY
Fine. You want a giant Michael Jackson
robot that shoots lasers. And then
you'll stop crying?

MICHAEL
Maybe.

HARVEY
Where do you want me to put it?
Neverland Ranch right between the
pirate ship made of graham crackers and
the tree shaped like Emmanuel Lewis?

MICHAEL
(yelling)
NO!

HARVEY
Well, you're out of room, Michael.
Where do you want it?

MICHAEL
(still yelling)
I WANT IT TO ROAM THE LAS VEGAS DESERT!

Harvey
Of course you do.

MICHAEL
(still yelling)
AND THEN I WANT TO BUY LAS VEGAS AND
HAVE ALL THE SLOT MACHINES GIVE OUT FREE
COTTON CANDY! AND THEN...AND THEN...

Harvey
One thing at a time, Michael. One thing
at a...

Harvey looks over at the couch. Michael is curled up, asleep, clutching Richard Pryor's corpse.

Harvey
(softly)
...time. Goodnight, sweet prince.

Fin.

I'm not going to make any pedophile jokes, though. Those are hacky and overdone. Plus, he hasn't ever been convicted of those crimes, so it wouldn't be fair. This is absolutely true, though. When asked why he decided to build this contraption, Michael responded that he had been trying for years to find a way to rape that adorable Bob's Big Boy.