My Life Smells Like Bacon!

So, I came home from work just now to find my apartment smelling - strongly - of bacon. Now, I don't know if it means a faerie is hiding in my cupboard or I'm being haunted by the fattest ghost to ever exist, but I'm simultaneously alarmed and overjoyed.

I mean, it's bacon. I could come back to find it smelling like something terrible: mold, shit, sweaty taint. But I come back to find it smelling like one of the best foods ever. Still, though, it's kind of strange to come back and have your apartment smelling like anything other than that hobo I stow in my closet and cut pieces off of to use as bars of soap.

Does this mean I'm having a stroke?

How Best to Fuck Over My Car Neighbor?

The guy who parks next to me in my apartment complex is a goddamn douche bag. He parks like frat boys wear hats: crooked and like a fucking DOUCHE BAG. And it's not like he drives some big car that's hard to park. It's some early 90s Nissan Sentra piece of shit that's filled with garbage and assholes. By the way, my memoir will be called Garbage and Assholes: A Tale of Courage...and Assholes.

Well, this guy leaves his passenger door unlocked all the time. I park on that side. I know how to open doors (lest we forget I was in GATE), so I could very easily get into that car and fuck some shit up. But what do I do? I don't want to incriminate myself, but I want to get back at this guy who parks like a Chinese girl's vagina - slanted and filled with shame.

The obvious thing I could do is stick something really terrible beneath the passenger seat and let it stink up his car. But that's easily remedied. I want something that sticks. I also thought about getting a box of condoms, sticking it in the glove compartment with one missing, leaving the receipt so the date is on there, and sticking the wrapper of the missing one in the car somewhere. I've seen that this guy does have a girlfriend, so this could be wonderful. I would love to ruin this guy's day because he ruins my day every time I have to make a 12-point turn just to leave the lot.

Please give me ideas. I want revenge and I want it now.

What's the First Thing You Hear When the Curtain Goes up on the New Harry Potter Movie?

Well, if you're me and you have a black guy sitting behind you, it's this.

"Harry Potter? That nigga like 30."

Supermarket Creep!

Tonight at the grocery store, while I was purchasing generic Cookie Crisp (Chip Mates), the cashier guy let his freak flag fly. I look off to the side as he starts to scan my goodies and I see this girl leaving. I take note and don't avert my gaze because she's wearing a half shirt and low-rider jeans. It's pleasant enough.

Joe Albertsons notices and this conversation happens.

JOE ALBERTSONS
You see that? Yeah. She's a regular. She comes in
here all the time.

Editor's note: Like I'm a fucking idiot and I have no idea what the hell a regular means.

ME
Yeah?

JOE ALBERTSONS
Yeah. She's always wearing some half-
shirt and no bra.

ME
...

JOE ALBERTSONS
It's pretty great. Those huge Double
Ds. It looks like she's horny all the time.
It's like she's smuggling 48 caliber bullets...

And he trails off while I silently scream inside my own face praying he stops talking about this before he starts jerking off with the tub of Country Crock I bought. Because that's why I bought it. It's for me.

Sleight of Ham!

I went to the Magic Castle tonight in Hollywood for a friend's birthday and as we were going to leave, I overheard the best exchange. There was this older magician guy, really sleazy looking, hitting on these two young girls sitting waiting for the valet to return with their car. It was obvious, to me, that he had no chance with them, but I don't think it was obvious to him. Well, that is until this happened.

He says to the girls, "Magicians are like wine. They get better with age."

The girl replies, "You must be really good then."

That was the best magic trick of the night.