Fictional Conversations of Real People!

First, please watch this video. Warning: It's filled with fucking morons being fucking morons.

And here's how I imagine this happened.

Okay, you know my roof, right?

Yeah. What about it? It's high. Like 10 feet.

12 feet. Yeah. So, how about I hold you awkwardly upside down with your nose near the crack of my ass and stand on the roof?

Okay, I'm with you and this sounds awesome, but I think we can make it better.

Better? What's better than me holding you on the roof with your nose inches from my pooper?

Jump the fuck off.

Tell Barry to get the camera.

Fin.

I fucking love America.

Hat: The Post!

Everybody likes party hats, like those one wears at a birthday party, but I think that they should have funeral hats. Instead of the conical shape of the party hat, it would be a tiny tombstone with a chinstrap.

That way, when you're at the grocery store picking up some more 7-Up for the service and you're all dressed up, you won't run into somebody you know at the store who doesn't realize that you're dressed up for a funeral and they won't say something embarrassing to you like, "Big date, huh? You want me to grab you some condoms?"

They'll see that paper tombstone on your head and know immediately to just buy the condoms for you and give them to you with a somber look on their face as they say, "I'm sorry about your loss. Go fuck the shit out of something."

FUNERAL HATS!

Happy Birthday, Kiddo!

Happy Birthday to you and maybe a surprise guest stops by to say hello as well.

Also, if you would like to invest in the items whose prototypes you see herein, I will be more than happy to entertain offers.


If you want to share the video, you can use this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PH6ZaPsd9j4

This Title Doesn't Have Anything to Do with the Post!

So, I just went to the grocery store and I only needed to buy two things. I bought an 8-pack of Irish Spring and a microwavable container of chicken noodle soup. I wanted to tell the cashier that I was buying things in alphabetical order.

Hilarious! Soap and soup, get it? Those are very close! He would have laughed so hard and I would have won the grocery store award for the funniest customer of the year! Then I would have won a shopping spree like on Supermarket Sweep and I would have gone to the hoses first because those are the most expensive items. Hoses and turkeys. But if I see that cardboard Jolly Green Giant, I'm running that huge motherfucker back to the checkout counter tout de suite.

So, this girl who works at Ikea hates me. For my birthday in September, I got a gift card from a couple friends of mine so I could purchase various items from the Swedish furniture giant. I went out and purchased things in September and, when it came time to pay, I forgot to use the gift card. Oh well, I thought. I can always just use it again later.

Fast forward to today when I bought some more items from Ikea. I was so happy that I found things to purchase which would let me use my gift card. I skipped merrily to the cashier so that she could swipe my gift card and I could walk out of the store without spending any money. As I walk up, she smiles and says, "ATM or Debit only, no cash. Is that okay?" Of fucking course it is. I won't be using cash. She'll be so happy because I'm following her rules.

She scans my items and, lost in a haze of the smell of fresh-cut wood from Swedishstan, I pull out my card and run it through the machine. My fucking ATM card. I swiped it, finished the transaction, and she handed me my receipt. I'm about to step away from her counter and I get that cold bolt of dumb asshole lightning that shoots through me and I stop. I reached into my back pocket, pulled out my gift card and said, "Oh, umm, I forgot to use this. I need to use this instead."

She wanted to kill me and she didn't hide that fact at all. She sighed like she just surfaced after setting the fucking free-diving record.

She said, "Hold on. I have to call a manager."

She was on the phone speaking quietly so that I couldn't hear her, probably calling the Ikeops to come arrest the fucking idiot with the nightstand. After finally hanging up the phone, she turned to me and said, "I'm going to have to give you cash back since you did ATM." That's fine. I'll take cash. It's the same as not cash except it is cash. That's how I reconciled it in my head.

She opened her register and handed me two $10s and about 15 $5 bills.

I'm surprised she was as nice as she was. I would have accepted a tote bag filled with nickels at that point just so I could leave and make the people standing behind me in line stop pelting me with their tiny fucking golf pencils.

Average White Banned!

Hot on the tar-and-feathered heels of the Michael Richards detonation of multiple N-bombs at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles, some black leaders, whatever that means, have suggested banning the n-word altogether.

I, for one, think this is a great idea. I mean, if it's banned, then people won't say it anymore. Why didn't they think of this before? While they're at it, they should also ban murder and rape. But, first things first. Let's get our priorities straight and make it so people can't say mean things to others first.

I'm actually going to push this further. I'm hoping to ban all pencils, pens, paint, and, well, anything that can be used to write. I don't want somebody writing the n-word anywhere, so we'll just take away the utensils used to write. I mean, it's best to play it safe. I'll gladly hang up my keyboard.

Also, just to make sure, I'm going to try to get Arnold Schwarzenegger's name banned because it's just too close. If somebody trips over their words even a little, then all hell will break loose.

But, you know, I still don't think this is enough. I mean, people could still think the n-word and that, in itself, could be devastating. What if a white person is looking at a black person and starts to think that word? Can you imagine how devastating that can be to both parties? Maybe the white person was just doing the name game song in his head with everybody's favorite bouncing tiger friend of Pooh and got to "banana nana no n...."? That's grounds for suicide. This is why I'm going to fund a program which would require everybody to take a pill which would erase that word from the mind of every man, woman and child on this planet. Oh, and also, any media, books, film, or whatever, containing that words will be stricken from existence. We'll just get together and burn them all.

It's the only way. I'm going to start a group called Kurt's Kulture Klub to help combat this rising problem. I hope you all will join me in the KKK because I will not rest until we eradicate every "nigger" on the planet.

Or, how about everybody lightens the fuck up? When you start banning a word, you're limiting free speech. If somebody wants to use a word like that, let them. They'll get what they have coming to them in the form of public outcry. It's not like Michael Richards was changing minds with his "oh so eloquent" tirade. Non-racist people didn't watch that video and say, "You know what? This Kramer fellah's got a point." No. They did what everybody else did and realized that he's a racist douche bag.

Now the guys at whom he was yelling want to sue him? What a couple of dicks. They're at a fucking comedy club and those are fucking words. It doesn't matter that the n-word is the queen mother of all bad words, it's still just a goddamn word. I once had a comedian at a comedy club spend his entire set calling me "The Taliban." Did I sue him? Yes. Bad example. But, you get my point.

To reiterate, lighten the fuck up, everybody or I'll force feed you all that tuna fish and licorice you people just LOVE to eat. And by you people, I mean all y'all motherfuckers.