Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Stunt Dishes!

I just saw what could go down in history as the most ridiculous commercial ever made. When I use the word ridiculous here, I don't mean that in a good way like, "Yo, that new eyepatch is ridiculous, Bluebeard. Go on with your bad self." No, I mean ridiculous like this: "That new machine that rapes babies is ridiculous." If there were such a machine, I'm pretty sure it would be just as ridiculous as this commercial I saw.

The commercial went something like this: Hi, I'm a guy selling Dawn Dishwashing liquid. For some reason we have a lot of dishes that we cleaned with Dawn all lined up back to back, between two motorcycle ramps. Now, Robby Knievel has to jump them on his motorcycle. Yay, he did it. See? Dawn really works.

The commercial made no sense whatsoever. I guess Dawn had Robby Knievel locked into some sort of a contract. Actually, now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense. Motorcycles + motorcycle ramps = clean dishes. If you ever watch that show on Discovery where they make awesome motorcycles, their dishes are always very clean. And they don't have dishpan hands.

In fact, I just thought of a new commercial. Stay with me. Closeup of a glass of red wine. Pull camera out to show the glass of wine sitting on a white carpet. A dog comes by and spills the red wine onto the carpet. A toothless man wearing nothing but a flesh-colored unitard smacks the dog in the face with his wiener and says, "Remember, have your pets spayed or neutered," and proceeds to sodomize the German Shepherd as Foreigner's "I Want to Know What Love Is" plays in the background. Closeup of the wine on the carpet and dog squealing in the background. FADE OUT.

Look for that on a TV near you. It should be preceded by a Dawn commercial with a guy jumping over dishes on a motorcycle.

Sunday, January 04, 2004

Murderstravaganza Weekend!

The History Channel, this weekend, decided to run a marathon of Infamous Murders for hours on end (how else do marathons go?). Aren't we giving these murderers too much credit? I mean, it's really easy to kill somebody, the hard part is not killing them. They should make a show about all the times that I restrain myself from murdering numerous people on a daily basis. The following list contains people that have escaped my murderous grasp within the last week:

*The guy, the other day when it was raining kind of hard, who was on his cell phone getting on the freeway, not paying attention.

*The strange little boy in Best Buy earlier today who smelled heavily of B.O. and kept running into me. A boy that small shouldn't have B.O. already, I figured his murder would benefit us both.

*The guy last night at work who paid with a hundred dollar bill for his $80 check and only left me five. I'm actually still planning on killing that guy, the wheels are already in motion.

*Finally, that guy who got married to Britney Spears just because she needs to be single again so I can still put it in her without feeling guilty. Sure, they're probably getting it annulled, but it's just to be safe.

There you have it. Now that I see it in print, I don't think that would be as interesting as people who actually did the murdering, so forget what you just read.

Friday, January 02, 2004

Happy Insignificant Holiday to Everybody!

The New Year has come and gone and what do we have to show for it? Well, you went and got yourself knocked up earlier in the year and got an abortion at the seven month mark, you disgust me. But this isn't about you, it's about me. In fact, this isn't even about me, it's about this stupid "Holiday" in the first place.

What did I do for New Year's you ask? First, I'd like to thank you for asking, and I'm sorry about snapping about the abortion thing -- I mean, I don't have a problem with abortion, but seven months is a bit too far in. Second, I'll tell you what I did for New Year's (and you'll like it). I was lucky enough to work on New Year's Eve. Since I work about a half hour away from home, and I got off at eleven (he totally said "got off") that put me home at 11:30. What's a girl to do then? I watched a movie (28 Days Later), masturbated, and went to sleep, and not in that order -that part you'll have to guess. Actually, the masturbation part was the most fun, I played a game with myself you see. I had on "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve" and I tried to time it so just as the ball dropped and hit the new year, I spewed my man-goo across the television screen, covering all of the kissing New Yorkers as if I was some new, half-retarded Giant Horseman of the Apocalypse with a giant erection.

But that's not the point.

The point is that celebrating New Years has to be the stupidest Holiday around. Not to belittle those who've celebrated it, I mean, sure it gives some people reason to drink (like they need a reason, filthy alcoholics). What irks me about it, though, is its absolute insignificance. Celebrating the New Year is like throwing a party, getting high, drunk, having sex with a bat (however you celebrate), when the miles on your car hit 100,000. WOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!EXCLAMATIONPOINT Some people say, "But it's important because it's symbolic. It's a chance to start over." You know what, whore, you're lucky I don't punch you right in your smelly mouth. You can always start over. If you need some sort of fictional Holiday to tell you to do this, then I need you to remember that Groundhog Day is symbolic of a time when you need to send me a thousand dollars and give me lots of blowjobs.

So all day at work today, when my guests would say to me, "Happy New Year", I would stick my pinky in my anus and wipe it on the rim of their glass. So if you were one of my guests tonight, Happy New Year to you too.