Sunday, April 25, 2004

Amputees On the Brain!

Last week I had two dreams on two consecutive nights about amputees. They were both in the third person too. I wasn't a part of either of them. I think that shows that I have so little self-esteem that I don't even include myself in my dreams. In the first dream the guy from "Ed" was an amputee missing his legs Lieutenant Dan-style. But in the second dream, the next night, some girl that was in a couple of my classes in the Fall Quarter was an amputee. Instead of missing her entire legs, though, she was just missing her feet. Then, instead of feet she had wheels --like wagon wheels, one for each leg. She zipped around on the ground like Rosie from the "Jetsons."

If it came down to it, I'd fist-fight an amputee. Not that I think it would ever happen, but I'm not about to stop my passion in life, hardcore Brazillian Street Fighting, just because you're missing an arm or foot or whatever. Go cry to somebody who doesn't have your leg and stump in an Armenian double-folded chicken gizzard hold. I think the only way that they'd get me off of them is if they touched me with the stump or made me look at it really close. I might be able to deal with it if they touched me through clothing, but if it was skin-on-skin, I'd definitely have to back off.

That's all I've got. Tonight I dream of butterflies and all the pancakes I can eat!

Email me with question, comments, suggestions, or to tell me that you're an amputee and you're typing to me through your special, left-hand-only keyboard.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

I Want a Famous Face (That Looks Like It Was Hit By a Bus!)

In keeping with my MTV shows theme that I've got going on here, I want to yell at you about the show I Want a Famous Face. I don't like to get all political and retrospective about things, but fuck. What the hell does this kind of show say about the type of society in which we live? People spend their own money so that they can look like their favorite celebrity through all sorts of plastic surgery.

The good part about this show, however, is that the people almost always end up looking like what that celebrity would look like if they had an extra 21st chromosome. There are two that have gone down as my favorites. The first one of these consisted of a pair of twins that wanted to both look like Brad Pitt. One of them had the worst acne I've seen in a long time --and this is including my back. They both got venires (big-ass fake teeth), and a bunch of work done to their messed up faces. They even got their hair done by some fabulous hairdresser. Of course, after surgery they looked, especially one of them that had implants put all up in his face, like they had been stung by a thousand super bees. Then, weeks later it showed them at some party where their "friends" were saying things like, "Oh, like Brad Pitt." They were so paid to say that shit. Unless MTV left out the part where all of their friends were stricken with glaucoma. They then went on to try to get agents and head shots for their soon-to-be prospering modeling career. The delusion in these two men would have been admirable to see in just one man, but in two men it is phenomenal. I look more like Brad Pitt than they do and I'm a black female midget.

The second episode that I love is awesome in a completely different way. By the way, when I say "love" I mean that I can't believe that this sort of shit actually makes it on TV. It's sort of difficult to explain, so bear with me. A guy, who loves Jennifer Lopez (J-Lo for all the people reading this that I fucking hate), and wants to look like her because he's a trans-something (vestite or sexual, I don't know the difference), gets his surgery to try to make this dream come true. He's completely a man, though, parts-wise. He's got a wiener that he eludes to later on in the show when he talks about how his "straight" boyfriend is in love with him. Anyway, the fantastic part about this is that there HAD to have been a meeting where there was discussion on whether or not they had to blur out this person's nipples on TV. Much to my surprise, and masturbatory disappointment, his (HIS --IT'S A GUY) nipples were blurred out. Before the breast-augmentation operation they were blurred. Since when is it not allowed to show man-titties on TV? Anyway, this is how I imagine the decision to blur the shit out went:

MTV EXEC: So, we've got this guy who wants to look like J-Lo (he'd say this because he's an MTV douchebag).

MTV CENSOR GUY: Okay, and...?

MTV EXEC: Well, at one point he gets a boob job.

MTV CENSOR GUY: Jesus Christ, what's wrong with people?

MTV EXEC: I don't know. Kids eat this shit up. Anyway, he's a guy. He's fully a guy.


MTV EXEC: What? Yeah. I think you're asking if he's got a penis. Yes, he does.

MTV CENSOR GUY: Okay, let's pretend that's what I meant.

MTV EXEC: Well, I was just wondering if we're going to have to blur his nipples out.

MTV CENSOR GUY: You're telling me that this is somebody who is, anatomically, a man, 100-percent?

MTV EXEC: Ana-what?


MTV EXEC: Oh. Yes.

MTV CENSOR GUY: But he thinks, inside his head, that he's a woman trapped in a man's body?

MTV EXEC: Yes. He feels like he's a woman.


MTV EXEC: What? But he's a...


MTV EXEC: I don't know why you're getting so hostile. I...

MTV CENSOR GUY: Two words: Janet Jackson.

MTV EXEC: I'm not following. Is this a...? Oh, wait. I get it. Tito Jackson.

MTV CENSOR GUY: I don't think you do get it.

MTV EXEC: Oh, I thought we were naming our favorite Jackson.

MTV CENSOR GUY: What makes you think that, out of nowhere, I'd just start to play that game?

MTV EXEC: I don't know. It's big around the office here.

MTV CENSOR GUY: Anyway, blur his boobs.

MTV EXEC: So because he thinks that he's a woman, because of what he's thinking at that moment, we have to censor his nipples?

MTV CENSOR GUY: Exactly. It makes perfect sense, right?

MTV EXEC: Not at all.

MTV CENSOR GUY: Just do it. I don't want to get calls.


MTV CENSOR GUY: That ought to do it, right?

MTV EXEC: I guess. Just curious, though, when we air our summer shows from the Beach house, and we've got all these guys wandering around with their shirts off, do we have to ask them if they feel that, deep within their heart of hearts, they are really a woman?

MTV CENSOR GUY: Err on the side of caution.

MTV EXEC: This is going to cost us a ton in Nipple blurring overtime money.

MTV CENSOR GUY: I don't care. Remember, Janet Jackson.

MTV EXEC: TITO. No. No. Jermaine! Randy!

MTV CENSOR GUY: You're right. It is fun.

The two men argue for nine straight hours and ultimately wind up dry humping on the desk.

That concludes this presentation of Executive Theatre. Tune in next week when we discuss what went into the ABC show "The Swan".

Stupid makeover shows. I want a makeover show of my own, but I want it in reverse. I want to see if they can give me a cleft pallete and sew on a fourth and fifth nipple. Maybe I'll even get that nose augmentation surgery I've always wanted. I will call it "Quasimojo". The tagline: "Nobody can resist that just-escaped-from-the-Belltower look! Coming this summer following The Littlest Groom."

That was a long entry. I'm proud of me. I think I'm going to do this more often so I can feel like I'm writing on a regular basis like I should be.

If you want to talk to me about this or anything in particular, email me.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Stupid Ass Real World!

I've watched the Real World since it started. Sure, I'm kind of a vagina for this, but whatever, I'm over it, you should be too. Over the years it has grown more and more ridiculous, but today --today my friends it has crossed the line.

The red-headed "punk" chick, Frankie, apparently cheated on her just as faux-punk boyfriend. She couldn't stand that she cheated on him so she cut herself. "I cut myself because I deserve it," she would say to the Asian chick that goes to my school. I heard from a friend of mine at school, by the way, that the Asian chick, Jamie, is a pothead like there's no tomorrow. Whatever. I'd still let her make out with me and hump me if she wanted. Not that I'd like it; I'd just do it because she wanted to.

But I digress.

So, apparently the writers --yes, I'm convinced that the stupid show has writers now-- thought that having Frankie --if that is her real name-- coming out of the bathroom and dropping a knife conspicuously in front of Jamie, would be a good, dramatic way to reveal that she was in there cutting herself. Stupid goddamn show. If I wrote something that contrived I'd cut my fingers off so I'd be forced to dictate that to somebody else and then, while it was being said aloud, I'd realize how dumb it is and ask for one gunshot to the skull to end my life for thinking of something that horrible.

And oh. The show was prefaced and postfaced (I think that's what you call something that comes after --maybe I should have said bookended. Yeah, it was bookended) by little PSA-(Public Service Announcement) type things with Dr. Drew from Loveline saying that cutting is a serious thing and that if you do it you're a dumbass with no self-control and you should get kicked in the face by a thousand professional facekickers. I'm pretty sure that's what he said. Whenever I see him on TV I mute it and make up what he's saying like my own version of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?". So I've done that one time.

Long-story short, I fucking hate the Real World now and will never watch it again*.

*Until next week when somebody is totally maybe sleeping with somebody else. It's going to be so awesome. I need a girlfriend.

If you are like me and you bathe in your own feces or you hate the real world or you love it or you cut yourself or you like run-on sentences or you think I'm a hot piece of ass, let me know here.