Wednesday, February 25, 2004

The Passion of the Christ: Jesus Gets Served!

Last night I became a Witness. I Witnessed our Lord and Savior Jesus Harold Christ getting his ass kicked for 2 hours and 10 minutes until, ultimately, dying.

What a gyp!

First of all, this movie wasn't even in English! I'm pretty sure it was in Jewish because there were a lot of 'h' sounds where it sounds like you're spitting and I know that Jewish people like to do that a lot. That's bad planning on Mel Gibson's part. He should know that American's hate reading when they're at the movies; that's why we go to the movies. Sometimes I read what was on the screen, but my eyes got tired. Plus, there was some big-time blood and guts on the screen so I couldn't be bothered with reading. I got the gist of what was going on. This Jesus guy, or "Yeshua" as they kept calling him (Isn't that the name for the upside down e? It's not a good name for the "Savior of the world", it gets too confusing), was all sad and shit because people are mean. Then, something happens. I think Jesus is caught shoplifting and everybody wants to kill him, so they take him to the manager, some bald guy (I think it was Napoleon), and he's all, "Ok, kill him." So Jesus has to carry the cross (totally wicked move on Mel Gibson's part, I don't think this was in the book --this is the one, good addition) to some hill on Tatooine where they're going to kill him with it. He never fought back though. If somebody did to me what those guys with the riding crops did to him I would have lost it and been all, "Step off! Jesus! Seriously!" But, no, he sat there, bleeding all over people until he "died".

There was some sloppy editing too. At some parts in the movie there were obviously clips from the movie "Powder" spliced in there. How could this get past the editor???? Did anybody even watch the movie before they released it? I talked to people afterward and they said that this was supposed to be Satan, but I think they were just covering for Mel Gibson's shoddy work. Besides, everybody knows that Satan is red, carries a giant fork with him and he has horse legs.

From what I heard from people who know a thing or two about the book that this is based on (which is supposed to be a best seller), Jesus is supposed to be, like, a totally kick-ass guy. I hate when they change things from the book to the movie. The well-dressed people that told me about Jesus that come to my front door at seven in the morning on the weekends every once in a while, seemed believable; they're really adamant about it. They come and tell me about how Jesus saved the world or something, but, from what I saw, Mel Gibson must hate Jesus.

For literally about half the movie Jesus was just getting the shit beat out of him. This is where I thought, Cool, he's totally going to pull a Neo and figure it all out and kick these guys' asses once he's done.


I knew the movie was coming to an end because all the music was getting all loud and shit. Jesus was standing on the Cross all like, "I'm ready, Father." I thought for sure that right here he would shoot lazers out of his eyes and fry all the bad guys dressed like Russel Crowe, but he didn't. Mel Gibson royally screwed the pooch on this one. I've never seen a better example of false advertising than this one. I mean, those people that came to my house told me --they said he saved the world, he saved me, he saved everybody but the Jewish people because they control the banks or something. I would have been upset if this is how the movie ended.

Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, but, at the end, there was this total teaser that there's going to be a sequel. Warning, there are major spoilers coming. If you don't want to know what happens, don't keep reading, and if you do want to know, then keep reading. If you're indifferent, go make a sandwich and think about it, then get back to me.

Okay, so, Jesus is dead at the end, right? Or so you think! It fades to black after his family was all crying and shit at his "dead" body, so people in the theater start to get up. But NO! There's a shot inside like a tomb or cave or something, and there's a sheet on a table in the shape of Jesus, but you can tell he's not in there because it's all flapping and shit from the wind that somehow got in there. The camera pulls out from the sheet to reveal, that's right, you guessed it, Jesus, ALIVE! He was sitting on the edge of the table that they set his body on with a face like he was so ready to go out and stomp some balls. Then he sits up, all determined and shit, you can tell because he wasn't smiling. This was like the only time in the movie when he wasn't smiling, so you know he meant business. All the rest of the time, before he "died", he was all like "I love you, my brother" with a big ole smile on his face like he just farted and nobody else knew it was him or something. But this face, this was one of pure ass-kicking determination. The best part was when he got up to walk out and open up his can of Whoopass on all the people that thought they killed him, you see that, on his hands, where they stuck the nails, there are some totally killer holes where the nails were!! You know he's going to use this in the sequel!

Dude, "Passion of the Christ 2: Getting Jeezy With It", is going to kick more ass than both Matrix Sequels and Star Wars Prequels combined. I waited through all the credits to see if they were going to show a teaser trailer for the next one, but they didn't, but I can imagine. Jesus goes back to the guys in the capes dressed like Gandalf and he's all, "Heeeeeeeere's Jesus!" (totally a callback to Jack Nicholson in "The Shining") Then they totally start to cry and beg saying they're sorry, but you know he's not going to hear it. He pulls one guy's head off and throws it at another guy in a cape, knocking his head off too! Then the rest of the guys see it and take off running.

Then, in the next clip of the trailer you'll finally see Jesus start to hook up with that Mary Magdalene chick that I heard about. I heard that he totally gets together with her and she's a hooker. See? He's like a reluctant hero. He plays by his own rules, nobody else's.

Finally, in the last part of the clip, you'll see Jesus standing in the middle of the water with his staff all in the air shouting, "Behold, the only thing greater than yourself!", and he'll slam it down into the water and Part the Red Sea. It'll look like he's standing in the middle of a tidal wave of blood that can't hit him because he's like a reincarnated wizard. Then the music stops and on the screen it's all, "The Passion returns...Summer 2005" --"Directed by Ang Lee".

That's what I'm talking about. I think this movie was more like a prequel than anything. All of the serious, Destructo-Jesus action will come in the next one. I also read somewhere that Dolph Lundgren is going to play Jesus in the next one, because he's supposed to be older and more German in the sequel. I just read it, so don't take it as the absolute truth, but Oh my GOD, if it is, think of how awesome it will be instead of that guy from "Frequency".

If you have any questions or comments about this article email me. Or if you have any hot tips about the sequel, send them to me; I couldn't really find anything online about it. I looked it up under "2 Passion 2 Christ", "Passion of the Christ 2: The New Batch", and "The Passion Too starring Jason Bateman as the Werewolf", and found nothing.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

It Taint What It Used to Be!

The following story is absolutely true. There has been very little hyperbole in the details describing the ensuing event. Reader discretion is advised. In fact, you probably don't even want to read it -it's disgusting.

Tonight, around 12:30, I realized I had had enough. The other day, while grooming my man-area, I was working the area between the umm, brain and the turdcutter, also known as the taint or choad. I ran into a speedbump that I know is there, a dirty, filthy skintag, but this time, I accidentally cut it. I was wondering why I had started to bleed as if I had a tiny faux-vagina between my legs, then I realized that I had given a fleshwound to Skintag Sal. Sal has been with me for about two years. I've watched him grow; he's become a part of me, really. I thought that he would be okay, but over the next couple of days, I realized that Sal was getting out of control. Perhaps at the sight of his own blood, he was thrown into an Incredible Hulk-like state and began to grow, but by tonight around 12:30, I couldn't take it anymore.

Sal had to go.

It is very difficult to break up a relationship, especially when you basically spend 24-7 (twenty four hours a day, seven days a week for those who hate numbers) together. I wasn't quite sure how to do it, so I did what my dad would do to me when he wanted to get rid of me. I smothered him with a bag of ice. After about 10 (ten, again, for those who hate numbers) minutes of what had to be the most emotionally difficult time in my life (you try being forced to murder your own baby...), Sal was unconscious, numb. I poised myself. I sat there -naked- on my bed, with a paper towel beneath Sal, to cushion his fall. I may be a murderer, but at least I had the decency and respect for him to try to do this properly. I reached out and grabbed the guillotine, a pair of fingernail clippers with I (heart) New York inscribed on the main lever. I figured this would be the best way to do it, as the last image Sal's fading vision would see would be "I (heart) New York". Oh how he loved the Big Apple. I remember one time when he and I were visiting, we were riding the Subway from Times Square uptown to Harlem and we both fell asleep, in each other's arms, and wound up riding the train all the way to Brooklyn. We didn't care. We had each other. This was how it had to be. With tears in my eyes, I brought the clippers down to ready position -nestled on both sides of Sal's beautiful, innocent head. With a forced smile and a single tear streaming down my cheek, I said to him, "Hey, buddy. Next stop...Brooklyn."

In an instant he was gone. I mean, his body was there, stuck to the fingernail clippers, but it wasn't him anymore. The lifeforce that made Sal Sal was no longer there. With one fell swoop our two-year relationship was over. All I have to show for it is a little nub which I may take a nail file to tomorrow. It's just too painful to have any memory of him around; it's much easier if he's gone. Out of sight, out of mind.

I don't know how to dispose of the body, though. It's sitting in front of me, on my computer desk, on a sheet of paper from February 5, 2001 of a Far Side comic-a-day calendar I use to write notes on. I can't throw him away; Sal meant too much to me. I will probably take him to New York and spread his ashes on the Subway. On the A Train. Our train.

Monday, February 02, 2004

You Got Served!

So, in what I'm sure will go down in "The New Bible" as the first sign of the Apocalypse, the movie -nay, gritty independent film- "You got Served" starring none other than the four boys of the now defunct B2K musical extravaganza group, was number one at the Box Office this weekend.

It is probably no surprise to you that I have already begun hoarding food, water, and B2K's CD's to help me survive during this time of Armageddon.


I'm hoping against hope, and wishing against wish that people went to watch this movie as a joke. This was the most hilarious $17 million joke in the history of $17 million dollar jokes. Please. Somebody, confirm this for me.

This starts me thinking. What if 'N Sync (is it an apostrophe or a * there?)and the Backstreet Boys were to make their own superfilm. They could call it, "You have been promptly served, friend". This would follow the hilarious hijinx of two ultra-successful pop groups as they entered tournaments against one another to see who could suck more (editors note: when the author uses the term "suck more" here, he does not mean the movie with Bill Murray and Jason Shwartzman about a kid at a prep school who falls in love with one of the teachers there, that's "Rushmore". I can't believe you thought that he meant that movie. What are you, retarded?). I would suggest also calling this film "The great suck off", but I'm pretty sure that there's a porno with that name already. This would probably make a lot more than $17 million in its first weekend and I'll tell you why. The audience for this movie would be a bunch of white kids instead of black kids: Everybody knows that white people actually pay to get in to movies (editors note: when the author uses the term "black kids" here, he means those of african decent, not to be confused with the famous "Black Kids" radio show of the 1920's which featured all white voice talent).

Now that I've probably offended black people and gay people, and especially gay, black people (special shout-out to my homie Ru Paul all up in this beeotch), I think I'll finish this up. I love all humans on this planet equally, except for people that have sex with dead things, animals, or trees - I love them less. This is also with the exception of people who have sex with books, mud, and hippies - I love them more.

At least, with the inception of this movie, I have something to say to my tables after I've waited on them:

"Thank you very much. Have a good night. You suckas just got served!"

Then I throw four fingers up with two twisted in the middle.