Thursday, March 30, 2006

Let Me See That Soooooong!

"American Idol" is in full swing and it led me to, once again, exercise my musical ability. This time, however, I haven't actually written any of these songs. These are all simply suggestions of song titles which I believe should be the first single released by whomever wins the show.

  • You're Just Jealous of my Tearaway Pants
  • I Didn't Want to Date You Anyway, Girl--You're Probably Terrible at Halo 2
  • Second Cousins, First Love
  • Rabies Ain't an STD (So D-O M-E)
  • I Karate Chopped a Tree In Half, I'm Just Sayin'
  • Riding through the Clouds on My Flying Bicycle Made of Meat
  • That's Right, Pillowfight (Aryan Nation Theme Song)
  • There's a Pudding in my Lunch Box! (Fuck your Fruit Roll Ups)
  • The Eight-Pound Tumor (Ode to My Newborn Son)
  • The Cryogenically Frozen Head on my Nightstand
  • Shit-Sneeze
  • Your Memory Loss, My Gain
  • If Jesus Was Around, He Would Want to Fuck You

Monday, March 27, 2006

Snakes on a Plane: Revisited!

Maybe this is premature, but I know that with the impending success of Snakes on a Plane, that it will spur knock-offs.

The following are just a few scripts that I'm working on with hopes that I will be the first to cash in on the magic. In no particular order, I give you (click them to get the full effect):Shake on a StainAn Old Boot on the Jungle Boat CruiseBees in a Chrysler LeBaron

I have already trademarked all of these with the Writer's Guild of America (West Coast), so don't even try to steal them.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Who Else Seen the Leprechaun? Say Yeah!

I don't have time to write about it, but please watch this.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

The Reptile High Club!

Some of you have probably heard by now about the theatrical event of the 21st Century which will be hitting theaters August 18th, 2006. Others have not. That's why I feel it is my duty to let the massive audience of around a quarter million readers a day know about Snakes on a Plane.

If you click that link, you are taken to the trailer for a cinematic revolution. I don't want to bore you with the science of it, but here's how it works out.This is the best thing to happen to movies since the money shot.

A recent article points out that, because of the "buzz" surrounding this movie, there was recently a five-day reshoot to add in more of what the fans want, especially the line you see in the equation above. However, I don't just want to hear Samuel L. Jackson say, "I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking plane!" My mind is going crazy with things I want to be said in this movie.

  • I swear I just saw a snake crawl out this bitch's blouse!
  • If you look out the left side of the plane, you'll see the Grand Canyon, and if you look out the right side, you'll notice the entire wing is being engulfed by a python. (This leads to the sequel, Plane in a Snake!)
  • Hey, baby. What do you say we sneak to the bathroom and become members of the Mile High Club? What did you say? Sssss? That sounds ssssexy. (Then he turns his head and notices his wife is dead and a snake is eating her eyes and that's where the sound was coming from. Then he pauses, looks straight ahead, swallows loudly, then screams.)
  • Stewardess! There's a motherfucking python in my orange juice!
  • I'm too old for hiss shit!

Smoke on the Water!

I don't have much to say about this story, I just felt like I exceeded my clever quotient for the year by thinking of the title of this post.

A Carnival cruise ship caught on fire.

They said that it was probably started by a cigarette, but we all know that piracy is making its comeback on the high seas once again and, more than likely, it was actually started by a flaming cannonball that interrupted the Seniors Volleyball Game. Mint julips and Tom Collinses are highly flammable. Yes, Collinses.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The Best Medicine!

As you know, it's often said that laughter is the best medicine, but used incorrectly, this can lead to pain, suffering, or even death. That is why I have compiled a list of medical problems with their appropriate solution so that, next time you're sick, you know the best way to treat your ills.

Gout - Apply liberally a creme created from the liquified laughter of the inventor of gout, Benjamin Franklin, to the troubled area. "But he's dead. Does that mean my gout goes untreated?" Fret not, young one. This creme is made the exact same way that they make sourdough bread.

AIDS - This is actually the most difficult disease to treat. The infected person has to tickle a white supremacist and capture the elicited giggles in a golden butterfly net bestowed to them by Aphrodite. Then, they must individually wash their T-cells with a shampoo created from the giggles.

Yeast Infection - This is simple. Get an Asian virgin to titter coyly into your vagina until the yeast monster explodes. (This can be very painful and will definitely leave your lady parts looking like a half-finished cherry pie at a pie eating contest.)

Cold and Flu - You know what they say, "Feed a cold, starve a fever." You probably know what you have to do then. If you have a cold, you have to make a baby laugh and, when it does, you have to eat it. If, at any point when you're eating it, it begins to cry, you have to make it laugh or else you'll have to start all over with another baby. This rarely happens, though, because, while it may seem barbaric, cannibalism is enjoyable for all involved. You know what phrase has never been uttered, "Help! I'm being eaten!" It's usually, "Haha! I'm being eaten! All right! This is awesome!" As far as starving the fever goes, well, they were wrong. You have to eat a giggling baby for that, too. Only in this case, the baby has to have colic.

Pregnancy - Some would say that this isn't an illness and doesn't need to be "cured." But, with the illegality of abortion looming on the horizon because Jesus is making the rules now, some people are searching for home abortion kits. All you have to do is take one of your iPod earbuds, slide that thing up into the area that got you into trouble in the first place, and play that unborn fetus some Larry the Cable Guy. The anti-laughter that he creates will actually make the baby choke itself with the umbilical cord. Problem solved. For the most part. You still should probably buy some new headphones. You can sell your old ones on ebay for a profit.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Number One Like a Stream of Urine Trickling through the Internet Forest!

This is not hyperbole. Today is a fantastic day. My blog is the very first result that comes up when you put "unicorn trapper keeper" into google. NUMBER ONE!

So, you're an eight-year-old girl and you want to impress your friends on the first day back to school? Why not go to google and see if you can find that one object that you know they'll all be jealous of? Oh, hey, what's this? Don't read this weblog? That sounds like a dare. You like dares. You jumped off the monkey bars when nobody else would. Why don't you go ahead and click that? Anal beads? Those sound pretty. Ask your parents to buy you some. Kick a seven-year-old girl in her cunt? What's that mean? Your only frame of reference for the word cunt comes from Sunday nights when Daddy keeps putting that brown bottle to his mouth and then gets really mad at Mommy because Mommy "looks less like Charlie's There On (whoever that guy is) and more like a stupid cunt."

This site is cool. Isn't it, Jennifer? You should bookmark it and show it to all of your friends at school.

Though I'm an Atheist and know Hell doesn't exist, if it did, there would be a room specifically there for me where gargoyles with mailbox-size cocks with serrated edges that are always on fire take turns (or, on Must-See Thursdays, all at once) raping me and telling me that I'm not funny (that part is actually more painful).

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Signs You Know You've Won an Argument!

I love arguing with people. Whether it's a quiet debate that helps usher in an era of newfound respect between the two parties involved or one where I end up yelling the phrase "Bitch spilt Coke all over my shoes" over and over again at the top of my lungs, arguments are a surefire way to really get to know yourself.

I've been fortunate enough to win every argument I've ever been in, so I am here to share with you the various ways that my arguments have ended and resulted in me being the victor so that you will be able to know if you're a winner as well.

Ways that I've won arguments:

  • The other person stops masturbating.
  • The crowd of ne'er-do-wells that has gathered shouts the immortal words, "You got served!" to your opponent as you hold your breakdancing pose for a minimum of three seconds.
  • You suddenly realize that the person you're arguing with has been beaten to death (possibly by you since you're holding a Hello Kitty Trapper Keeper covered in weird cartoon Japanese cats and brain).
  • Your +5 to dexterity Tunic of Nimbility had, unbeknownst to your opponent, been enchanted by Enrick, White Wizard of the Dilldore Valley with full immunity to Magic Missile, thus your saving roll that you missed which would have normally killed you, is inconsequential. Congratulations, winner!
  • You're the last one to say, "Nu-uh!"
  • You karate chop your way through all of the sheets of ice. This works especially well if you're a stranger in a foreign land and there's a lot of Chicago music playing in the background.
  • You use your laser pointer to put a spot in the middle of your opponent's forehead and laugh and laugh and laugh.
  • The other person doesn't notice you crying. (This is more of a personal victory, but what are you supposed to do when they call you a "Poopface?" Not cry? You try it. It's what impossible is made of.)
  • You invent a time machine and go back to the point when somebody discovered that the Brontosaurus didn't actually exist and you kill that person and leave a note that says, "I did this. Love, Brontosaurus."
  • You kick a seven-year-old girl in the cunt.