I love arguing with people. Whether it's a quiet debate that helps usher in an era of newfound respect between the two parties involved or one where I end up yelling the phrase "Bitch spilt Coke all over my shoes" over and over again at the top of my lungs, arguments are a surefire way to really get to know yourself.
I've been fortunate enough to win every argument I've ever been in, so I am here to share with you the various ways that my arguments have ended and resulted in me being the victor so that you will be able to know if you're a winner as well.
Ways that I've won arguments:
- The other person stops masturbating.
- The crowd of ne'er-do-wells that has gathered shouts the immortal words, "You got served!" to your opponent as you hold your breakdancing pose for a minimum of three seconds.
- You suddenly realize that the person you're arguing with has been beaten to death (possibly by you since you're holding a Hello Kitty Trapper Keeper covered in weird cartoon Japanese cats and brain).
- Your +5 to dexterity Tunic of Nimbility had, unbeknownst to your opponent, been enchanted by Enrick, White Wizard of the Dilldore Valley with full immunity to Magic Missile, thus your saving roll that you missed which would have normally killed you, is inconsequential. Congratulations, winner!
- You're the last one to say, "Nu-uh!"
- You karate chop your way through all of the sheets of ice. This works especially well if you're a stranger in a foreign land and there's a lot of Chicago music playing in the background.
- You use your laser pointer to put a spot in the middle of your opponent's forehead and laugh and laugh and laugh.
- The other person doesn't notice you crying. (This is more of a personal victory, but what are you supposed to do when they call you a "Poopface?" Not cry? You try it. It's what impossible is made of.)
- You invent a time machine and go back to the point when somebody discovered that the Brontosaurus didn't actually exist and you kill that person and leave a note that says, "I did this. Love, Brontosaurus."
- You kick a seven-year-old girl in the cunt.