Wednesday, July 18, 2007

How Best to Fuck Over My Car Neighbor?

The guy who parks next to me in my apartment complex is a goddamn douche bag. He parks like frat boys wear hats: crooked and like a fucking DOUCHE BAG. And it's not like he drives some big car that's hard to park. It's some early 90s Nissan Sentra piece of shit that's filled with garbage and assholes. By the way, my memoir will be called Garbage and Assholes: A Tale of Courage...and Assholes.

Well, this guy leaves his passenger door unlocked all the time. I park on that side. I know how to open doors (lest we forget I was in GATE), so I could very easily get into that car and fuck some shit up. But what do I do? I don't want to incriminate myself, but I want to get back at this guy who parks like a Chinese girl's vagina - slanted and filled with shame.

The obvious thing I could do is stick something really terrible beneath the passenger seat and let it stink up his car. But that's easily remedied. I want something that sticks. I also thought about getting a box of condoms, sticking it in the glove compartment with one missing, leaving the receipt so the date is on there, and sticking the wrapper of the missing one in the car somewhere. I've seen that this guy does have a girlfriend, so this could be wonderful. I would love to ruin this guy's day because he ruins my day every time I have to make a 12-point turn just to leave the lot.

Please give me ideas. I want revenge and I want it now.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

What's the First Thing You Hear When the Curtain Goes up on the New Harry Potter Movie?

Well, if you're me and you have a black guy sitting behind you, it's this.

"Harry Potter? That nigga like 30."