Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Average White Banned!

Hot on the tar-and-feathered heels of the Michael Richards detonation of multiple N-bombs at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles, some black leaders, whatever that means, have suggested banning the n-word altogether.

I, for one, think this is a great idea. I mean, if it's banned, then people won't say it anymore. Why didn't they think of this before? While they're at it, they should also ban murder and rape. But, first things first. Let's get our priorities straight and make it so people can't say mean things to others first.

I'm actually going to push this further. I'm hoping to ban all pencils, pens, paint, and, well, anything that can be used to write. I don't want somebody writing the n-word anywhere, so we'll just take away the utensils used to write. I mean, it's best to play it safe. I'll gladly hang up my keyboard.

Also, just to make sure, I'm going to try to get Arnold Schwarzenegger's name banned because it's just too close. If somebody trips over their words even a little, then all hell will break loose.

But, you know, I still don't think this is enough. I mean, people could still think the n-word and that, in itself, could be devastating. What if a white person is looking at a black person and starts to think that word? Can you imagine how devastating that can be to both parties? Maybe the white person was just doing the name game song in his head with everybody's favorite bouncing tiger friend of Pooh and got to "banana nana no n...."? That's grounds for suicide. This is why I'm going to fund a program which would require everybody to take a pill which would erase that word from the mind of every man, woman and child on this planet. Oh, and also, any media, books, film, or whatever, containing that words will be stricken from existence. We'll just get together and burn them all.

It's the only way. I'm going to start a group called Kurt's Kulture Klub to help combat this rising problem. I hope you all will join me in the KKK because I will not rest until we eradicate every "nigger" on the planet.

Or, how about everybody lightens the fuck up? When you start banning a word, you're limiting free speech. If somebody wants to use a word like that, let them. They'll get what they have coming to them in the form of public outcry. It's not like Michael Richards was changing minds with his "oh so eloquent" tirade. Non-racist people didn't watch that video and say, "You know what? This Kramer fellah's got a point." No. They did what everybody else did and realized that he's a racist douche bag.

Now the guys at whom he was yelling want to sue him? What a couple of dicks. They're at a fucking comedy club and those are fucking words. It doesn't matter that the n-word is the queen mother of all bad words, it's still just a goddamn word. I once had a comedian at a comedy club spend his entire set calling me "The Taliban." Did I sue him? Yes. Bad example. But, you get my point.

To reiterate, lighten the fuck up, everybody or I'll force feed you all that tuna fish and licorice you people just LOVE to eat. And by you people, I mean all y'all motherfuckers.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Look! Up in the Sky! It's That Turd, David Blaine, It's Stupid, Man!

David Blaine, that guy who used to do magic tricks, has one-upped himself yet again. He's managed to do something even more boring than sitting in ice for a week. In his latest not-a-thing, he was suspended in a gyroscope above the streets of New York city and then he was bound in chains and had to get out of them and land on some pillows.

Okay, magicians, we fucking know you can get out of chains. We get it. You can pick a lock on some manacles. If you're ever arrested in Britain in the early 1800s, they don't stand a chance. You'll run those cobblestone streets willy nilly.

So, he leapt from the gyroscope thing, crashed through a plywood stage and got in a taxi. I was going to make the cliche joke about a black guy getting a taxi in New York being his most amazing trick, but it turns out he's Spanish, Puerto-Rican, Jewish and Russian. So even that is boring.

What kind of a magic trick ends in a magician getting in a cab? The only time that's acceptable is if the cab is on fire and driven by Jesus holding an Ace of spades and the license plate says, "IZTHSURCRD?" and then explodes into hundreds of doves who all poop in unison spelling out "David Blaine" on the sidewalk in dove shit, only it's not dove shit, it's David Blaine semen and all women within ten miles of the stunt get pregnant, and some dudes--it's a magic trick, and then, nine months later, those children are born and they are all holding your actual card because the Ace of spades wasn't actually your card, your card was the eight of hearts and their first words are, "Is THIS your card?" and then, immediately after saying those words, the children are ripped open from the inside and David Blaine climbs out of them and runs off into another waiting cab.

Where's that magic trick?

My magic trick? That totally kick-ass run-on sentence. Suck it, Steinbeck.

Monday, November 20, 2006

The Laugh Plantation!

Michael Richards, Kramer from television's Seinfeld, finally took the post-Seinfeld downward spiral of his career into his own hands over the weekend with a stand-up comedy routine at The Laugh Factory in which he dropped the N-bomb over and over again while also possibly inciting a lynching.
Now that's what I want from my former television stars. You hear me, Jason Alexander? I don't want Bob Patterson and Listen Up from you after Seinfeld. I want three minutes of unadulterated racism. You know who's had a free ride too long, Jason? The Chinese. I've booked you 10 minutes at Wok and LOL in Chinatown to ensure you've got the proper audience. Now, remember, Chinks are the Chinese, Gooks are Koreans, Japs are Japanese. Keep them straight and I'll see you on YouTube.

Friday, November 17, 2006

What's the Deal...

So, what's the deal with this president of ours, huh?

I mean, really! It's like, come on.

Also, how about those other current events? Those are interesting/unbelievable/sad/hysterical and/or frustrating. Aren't they?

And those celebrities and their movies. They're driving me bananas or I am liking it!


Thursday, November 16, 2006

If I Wrote This...

O.J. Simpson, the man known worldwide for his Hertz commercials and co-starring roles in the Naked Gun films will be coming out with a book called "If I Did It" which is about some murders he was accused of committing some years ago. I'm not sure; I haven't really heard too much about this.

The title of the book is something which I have decided to use to recount "fictional" happenings in my own life. Here are some of my sample titles.

  • If I Peed on That One Girl's Butt
  • If I Once Lost a Grape in My Own Ass
  • If I Was Very Ass-Oriented
  • If I Convinced a Homeless Man to Lick Me Clean
  • If I Didn't Shower
  • If I Tried to Fellate Myself Using a Series of Interlocked, Wet Cardboard Toilet Paper Rolls
  • If I Had a Werewolf Buried in My Backyard
  • If I Jerked off to an Episode of The Muppet Show on Multiple Occasions

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

K-Fed D-Vorced! K-Fed Unwed! Brit Split!

I could do those terrible headlines forever, but, you've probably heard, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline filed for divorce today.

They cited irreconcilable differences, but, being election day, I know that it had to be purely political disagreements.

This is how I imagine they got to this point.


Hey, y'all, you sleeping?

What? Hmm? By the way, I'm
just one nigga. Don't call me y'all.

Y'all, I don't like the War.

I do. They got gats 'n shit. Like me.

I'm divorcing you so hard.

Fine, bitch. I'm blowing up the hip-
hop world anyway. I don't need your
skanky ass.

Y'all are so divorced.

And, scene.