Look! Up in the Sky! It's That Turd, David Blaine, It's Stupid, Man!

David Blaine, that guy who used to do magic tricks, has one-upped himself yet again. He's managed to do something even more boring than sitting in ice for a week. In his latest not-a-thing, he was suspended in a gyroscope above the streets of New York city and then he was bound in chains and had to get out of them and land on some pillows.

Okay, magicians, we fucking know you can get out of chains. We get it. You can pick a lock on some manacles. If you're ever arrested in Britain in the early 1800s, they don't stand a chance. You'll run those cobblestone streets willy nilly.

So, he leapt from the gyroscope thing, crashed through a plywood stage and got in a taxi. I was going to make the cliche joke about a black guy getting a taxi in New York being his most amazing trick, but it turns out he's Spanish, Puerto-Rican, Jewish and Russian. So even that is boring.

What kind of a magic trick ends in a magician getting in a cab? The only time that's acceptable is if the cab is on fire and driven by Jesus holding an Ace of spades and the license plate says, "IZTHSURCRD?" and then explodes into hundreds of doves who all poop in unison spelling out "David Blaine" on the sidewalk in dove shit, only it's not dove shit, it's David Blaine semen and all women within ten miles of the stunt get pregnant, and some dudes--it's a magic trick, and then, nine months later, those children are born and they are all holding your actual card because the Ace of spades wasn't actually your card, your card was the eight of hearts and their first words are, "Is THIS your card?" and then, immediately after saying those words, the children are ripped open from the inside and David Blaine climbs out of them and runs off into another waiting cab.

Where's that magic trick?

My magic trick? That totally kick-ass run-on sentence. Suck it, Steinbeck.