Sunday, July 30, 2006

The Road Warrior!

I'm starting to believe that the ghost-Jesus version of L. Ron Hubbard actually exists. Stay with me here.

Everybody's like, "That Tom Cruise, he's one crazy motherfucker." Then he somehow manages to still get hired and make movies because somebody crazier comes along. And this time, Mr. Cruise's wish has been granted by Genie Ron Hubbard in the form of crazy-ass Mel Gibson.

He got arrested for DUI (something which his friend Sargeant Murtaugh would probably refer to as, "Shit for which he is too old.") and I'm guessing it wasn't because he had too much Manischewitz. It wasn't good enough to just get himself a DUI (Driving Under the Influence for my bevy of foreign and abbreviationally-challenged readers) as a public figure, but he went on a tirade against all of the Jews on the planet. Lucky for him, he doesn't have to work for or with any of those in Hollywood.That's like those issues of Archie comics when Jughead has that little symbol on his hat and he suddently likes girls or a whale who writes a hate email to all of the sharks in the ocean or like Jim Henson putting down creatures made of felt and buttons.

I'll bet Mel Gibson hates creatures made of felt and buttons. Well, he would if I told him that Kermit the Frog was actually a Jew. It would all make sense to him. See, he's slimy like them all. He's green which is the color of money which they covet so dearly. That's why Kermit won't hook up with Miss Piggy, because she's pork--she's not Kosher. It all makes sense. But the final nail in the figurative cross is that in a deleted scene from Muppets Take Manhattan, Kermit made a detour on his bicycle and killed Jesus.

There's really only one thing to do. I think my friend Mel would like to join me in welcoming all the way from Kazakhstan, a man with a message, Borat.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Condoleezza Versus Mothra!

Secretary of State Rice is on her way to Malaysia to take part in the Southeast Asians Nations meeting this weekend but, out of habit, the Asians will eat her.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

And Then I Was Like And Now the News!

It's a varitable hotbed of newsianic activity as of late. Therefore, I feel obligated to address these circumstances by utilizing the humerous anecdotes or providing commentary which comes to mind upon reviewing said stories.

Then I make shit jokes.

After searching the far reaches of the galaxy, a new Miss Universe has been crowned--and she's from our very own planet! What are the odds? Miss Puerto Rico is the lucky recipient. Her first act as ruler over all of existence is to change her title so her relatives can pronounce it. She will now be known as Miss Juni-Berse.

In local news, relatively speaking, Bon Jovi got a couple of teenagers killed in New Jersey. I have no doubt that the lightning bolt that killed them was intended for the Jersey native. I mean, Zeus or Thor or somebody has to be pissed just that Bon Jovi exists at all and decided to throw an errant bolt at the state in hopes of striking him down. From having written my college thesis on the acts of Gods of various mythologies and how they affect our everyday lives I know that this kind of thing goes on on a daily basis. I also happen to know that Quetzalcoatl is a huge Springsteen fan and likely deflected the bolt from its original trajectory just to be safe.

Seriously, though, I'd love to be struck by lightning. Not anything fatal, mind you, but that's a goddamn story to tell. "Hey, Kurt, did I ever tell you about the time I met Casey Kasem at an IHOP in Newport Beach?" "Oh, really? Did I ever tell you about the time I got struck by lightning, bitch?" It wins every storytelling contest (I happened to take 3rd in the Ohio State storytelling and frog jumping contest with the tale of the retarded guy who smeared bloody tampons all over himself when I was in high school).

And, finally, some of you may have heard that Haley Joel Osment was in a car crash this past week. They say he's in the hospital now recovering. I'm sure it's just a coincidence that this happened the weekend Ron Howard's Daughter in the Holiday Inn Kiddie Pool was released by M. Night Shyamalan. Well, *Spoiler Alert*, he didn't actually survive the accident!

Monday, July 17, 2006

2008 Summer Movie Preview!

Summer has become the time for blockbuster high-concept movies that inspire high ticket sales and low expectations. A reader recently granted me access to their time machine which has let me travel anywhere in time and I chose two years in the future to see what movies will be coming in 2008 to the local Nickelodeon ("Movie theaters" as you now know them will once again be referred to by the monicker "Nickelodeon" when old-timey lingo is adopted thanks to an onslaught of Vaudeville-style rap artists led by Kanye West with his song, "That gent's a snake oil salesman I tells ya. A real quack." Also, men's full-body bathing suits will be all the rage because the base temperature on the planet will be in the low 200s.).

This touching tale of overcoming the odds dominates the 2008 box office and the subsequent Academy Awards ceremony. A small midwestern town gathers around one of its residents as he strives to obtain his dream of winning the Kentucky Derby. Oh yeah, he's a centaur. Flying in the face of bigots, or racists, or whoever it is that doesn't like centaurs, Stevebiscuit's heartwarming journey toward fulfilling his father's dreams has many hurdles, but only one finish line.

Half Man, Half Horse, All Heart -- Summer 2008

Frozen Food Section
This is a rom-com (romantic-comedy for those of you who have never done a line of coke out of your assistant's anus) about a man who falls for a woman he meets in a supermarket only there's one catch: They're both zombies. They were both eating opposite ends of a recently decapitated box boy when their eyes met. The man will be played by WWE superstar The Rock and the woman will be the already-deceased-looking Brittany Murphy. The comedic foil will be played by the newly-obese Elijah Wood.

This Summer Hell is Freezing Over and It Brought Dates! (editor's note: In 2008, this somehow makes sense)

Glass-Bottom Death
This PG-13 horror movie finds a group of teenagers on their senior trip in Italy when one of their friends goes missing while taking a gondola ride. A tourist-murdering gondolier is on the loose with a thirst for blood. That guy who played Fred Savage's brother's friend in Boy Meets World and that girl who plays Lana on Smallville do their best to battle the oar-wielding madman.

Gondola is Italian for Murder

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Priest Infection!

My older brother got married over the weekend and, of course, I was in the wedding. I got to throw the flowers in the aisle as I looked adorable in my frilly dress.

Anyway, the girl he married is Catholic, so they had a Catholic ceremony. I've been to quite a few weddings in my time, but this was the first Catholic one. Maybe you don't know this, but they're fucking crazy.

In all my years on earth I had never been to a Catholic mass or sacrifice or whatever, but I figured I had a faint idea of what went on. I had no goddamn clue.

It's like a place where people with OCD get together to co-depend one another into a depression coma. The priest says something and, without hesitation, people spout back, "And also with you," or "Amen," or "We don't need no water let the motherfucker burn."

It was stand up, kneel, sit down, stand up, kneel, sit down. It was like a goddamn improv game, but I wasn't supposed to be a gas station attendant who had to tell a giant chicken that I was out of gas without using the letter R in the style of Tennessee Williams.

So, while that was creepy, nothing was as creepy as the Priest who was overseeing the ceremony. I hate Priest pedophile jokes because they're so hacky, but I'm pretty sure that this guy has been involuntarily relocated a few times in his priesthood. If he didn't have the weird Church graduation robe on, and, instead, some poor-fitting khakis with his stained polo shirt tucked in holding up his protruding belly, you would think twice before letting him put anything in your child's mouth.

His most striking characteristic, though, were his eyes. I used to have a cat, Zelda, who had the same ocular phenomenon as this guy. His eyes constantly shook. I affectionately referred to him as Father Googlyeyes. There was a point in the ceremony when he was reading off of some scroll or something and he lost his place. I couldn't help but to make myself laugh because I said to myself, "I'll bet he's thinking, 'Who keeps moving this paper?'"

The fact that my body didn't break out in open sores at that point only strengthens my Atheism.

The rest of the day was fine. I guess it kind of shows where my childish mindset is when the first thing I wanted to write was about how I got two pieces of wedding cake. I mean, I don't dance and I don't drink, so there's not really much going on for me at a reception except to sit like a pervert on the sidelines and stave off a boner from watching the 80-year-old couple bumping and grinding to "My Lumps" by the Black Eyed Peas.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I'm Sporting Swedish Wood!

Last weekend I went to Ikea because I needed to pick up some furniture for my apartment. Man, that place is terrible.

For the uninitiated, Ikea is a furniture store that's like waiting in one long, poorly-decorated line for a ride at Disneyland. Except the ride at the end is just getting to watch the 55-year-old woman in front of you try to figure out where she can "Buy some Ikea."

But it's the design of the building wherein the problem lies. It's like a goddamn labyrinth. I had to fight a minotaur in the middle of housewares.

I won, but only thanks to the Golden Fleece I picked up by the Flarn Food Court.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Before I Die...

Before I die I want to fire a torpedo.

Preferably it's one of those where I have to turn a key at the same time as another guy.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Things I Could Totally Beat Up!

  • A baby
  • Any normal girl under age 10 (subtract about four years for a retarded child--they're like tiny people-tanks)
  • Any normal boy under age 11 (see above)
  • A kitten
  • A cat
  • A werewolf if he was in man form and handcuffed to a pipe in a basement and I had a bat or some brass knuckles
  • An old Indian chief
  • Anybody who plays a woodwind instrument professionally
  • The Pope
  • Yoga teachers
  • The blind
  • A drunk woman with her clothes half-off
  • The optimist in me believes I can beat up any drunk woman with her clothes half-on (or is that the pessimist?)
  • A baker
  • People who need to use one of those motorized shopping carts at the grocery store
  • That lady you've seen on the Discovery Channel who doesn't have any pieces of body below her ribcage
  • My tenth grade English teacher Mrs. Reynolds
  • Paris Hilton
  • A newborn bear cub
  • A sleestak (using Chaka as my tag team partner)
  • Any lingerie model (excluding plus size)
  • Over 50% of the mayors in the United States
  • Stephen Hawking
  • Adrian Adonis
  • Grover
  • Wendy (of square hamburger fame)
  • All of the nerds from Revenge of the Nerds (part one only--Ogre would probably get me, but I'd beat the shit out of Booger)
  • Any dude with a monocle
  • A mermaid

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Oh, MySpace Surveys, You Irresistible Whores!

When I can't think of anything to write, it's nice to know that one of my friends on MySpace will post some survey that I really won't read, but, instead I'll use as fodder to make jokes about poop.

So, thanks, Katy. And this time it's a lot shorter than that Hellish one I took from you before.

1. Whats the story behind your middle name?
My middle name is the same as my first, "Kurt." It's so when my Mom was mad at me and wanted to yell at me, it would always sound like she announcing a baseball game in the 30s.

2. What is one of the worst things to ever happen to music?
That time when Music's uncle, A Capella, touched her where the Treble Cleft covers over Spring Break.

3. What is your daily hair-care routine?
Scrape out the random, crusted jizz with a fine-tooth comb and into a jar marked #17 (which is almost full). Then I look in the mirror about to fix it and, like Fonzie, realize it's perfect, say, "Ayyy," and just walk out.

4. Whats the weirdest thing you've ever eaten?
Jar #16

5. Who was your favorite Star Wars character?
Steve the Jedi.

6. Do you read your financial statements?
My finances are not composed of statements, they are questions. And, no, I do not read them because they are rhetorical.

7. What shopping temptation are you physically unable to resist?
Physically unable to resist? I guess the temptation I get when I'm shopping and I'm raped by a man larger than me. Oh, that temptation always gets the better of me.

8. If you were the opposite sex, who would you want to be?
Whoever the lucky lady is at the time that's boning me. So, probably you.

9. Best Disneyland ride?
The one where that guy takes you into a dark room and you keep pulling the warm lever until hot liquid candy comes out. It's by the Teacups.

10. What is your favorite curse word?
Shnarch. It's actually so filthy it's beyond the comprehension level of all humans except for myself and Larry the Cable Guy. Great minds...I don't know how that ends.

11. What would happen if you used it around your mother?
Her face would explode and that candy I've been trying to get that's inside her skull would finally be mine.

12. Do you have any hobbies you hide from your mother?
My penchant for driving around late at night and throwing baby kangaroos at people. "Heads up, joey comin' atcha" is a not uncommon phrase to be heard echoing in the hallowed halls of my Toyota Tacoma.

13. Underwear or commando?
Both. You see, I wear what I like to call the underwear mullet. It's business in the front (a tiny suit and tie that covers my junk) and party in the back (a tiny, battery-powered neon sign hanging above my butthole that reads, "The Money Pit").

14. Whats the most you've ever paid for a haircut?
I cut my own hair with a gun made of knives.

15. Do you have any superstitions?
I can't answer this question; it's unlucky.

16. Favorite kind of cheese?
Bat cheese.

17. On JEOPARDY, which category would you ace?
Inappropriate uses of the Caps Lock key for $400, Alex.

18. How do you know when its time to break up with someone?
When the body starts to smell.

19. What would you like to have written on your gravestone?
Pepperoni. You asked the question wrong.

20. What was the most memorable phone call of your life?
The time I called my friend and pretended I was somebody from the hospital telling him that his mom was dying. It was hilarious.

21. Whats the best way to drink a soda?
Definitely not out of jar #16.

22. Describe yourself?
I'm a varitable treasure trove of insincerity, sarcasm and deep-seeded hatred for all humans wrapped up in the body of a Greek Goddess (I've been told Hera).

23. Whos a hotter piece: Lassie or Snoopie?
Is "Snoopie" Snoopy's meth-addicted cousin? If so, had her. I still can't get out of my mind what she did with Wouldstalk.

24. If you could intrude in any celebrities dressing room, whose would it be?
Stephen Hawking

25. Whats your favorite legal drug?
The smell of 8-year-old boys.

26. What song brings you to tears?
Anything by that touching singer-songwriter Paris Hilton.

27. How would you characterize your taste in sex?
Insatiable, illegal, scatalogical, romantic.

28. Pinkie rings on men: yes or no?
I don't like you limiting me to simply yes or no. What is this, a lie detector test? I'd like to give a qualified answer. I'll say yes, but only if it's on a pirate.

29. How do you feel about pornography?
Judging by my answers, you can probably guess how I feel about it. It's disgusting.

30. Soccer players or baseball players?
Am I on question 30 and just now realizing that this survey is for girls or lesbians (who are also women in case you didn't know that).

31. Should people take you seriously?
Only when I say, "But seriously, folks," as I transition between my white-hot laugh-making material.

32. How did you do in art class as a kid?
I have a booger story about art class that you wouldn't believe. So, let's just say I got a B+. Get it? The B is for Booger and the + is for positive like my HIV status.

33. Are you scared of balding?
It's more scared of me than I am of it. I learned that from my Mom when she convinced me to let that monkey rub its bloody penis all over my eyeballs in the mid 1970s. That's how you get the end of question 32.

34. What is fairly drunk for you?
I say it's always fair when they're drunk. Date rape joke! I'm high class, ladies.

35. How do you avoid getting walloped?
I stopped hanging around with people from the 1920s when "walloping" was something that people besides Batman actually did.

36. What would your rap name be?
DJ Beardbeard

37. What phrase do you never want to hear again?
It's so [blank] it's not even funny. I want to drown people in a sea of cholic baby tears when I hear that expression.

38. Have you ever had an Americas Funniest Home Videos moment?
You mean like when I'm doing something and Bob Saget is doing commentary? Oddly enough, every shit I take is accompanied by a Bob Saget running commentary.

39. How many drinks does it take you to sing Like A Virgin?
Drinks? That's my ringtone, motherfucker!

40. How much ice is too much ice?
Existential, huh? How about, "Perhaps there is no such thing as too much ice, but, instead, too little beverage?"

41. Worst place you've ever been sick?
The time I vomited inside a hooker's vagina.

42. Name a time where you'd strip in front of people?
"Name a time where..." That doesn't even make sense. I guess I could name a place where, or a time when, but I can't name a time where. Unless you're thinking all four-dimensional and shit. If that's the case, you blew my fucking mind, man.

43. Who was your worst boyfriend/girlfriend?
Worst boyfriend, Kelsey Grammer. Worst girlfriend, Jessica Alba. (All she wanted was sex. Okay, I get it. But there's more to me than just this rockin' body.)

44. Whats your most materialistic trait?
I'm made of gold.

45. Would you ever star in a Disney Channel show?
I've made too many pedophilic jokes already. So let's just say Hell yeah.

46. Whats the secret to living cheap?
Personal hygiene is for movie stars.

47. Whats something in the next month you're looking forward to?
Things in front of me.

48. What does your name mean?
The German's named me San Diego. It means a whale's vagina.

49. If you could date someone from a different country, which would it be?
Is Elementary School a country?

50. Is it because of their accents?
The way some of them can't say their 'R's is adorable.