Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Pretentious Fucks!!!

I had to go to dinner tonight with a group of people, some of whom I hadn't met before and others for whom I didn't really care prior to this dinner.

Things did not improve tonight.

I was subjected to three of the most pretentious quotes I've ever heard all within a span of a few minutes. My head was spinning trying to remember them just so I could spit them out verbatim. These people are lucky I was only armed with a butter knife and a stomach full of horse tranquilizers.

We were discussing dependence on technology:

You know, technology is supposed to make life easier, but it really only makes it more complex.
Which Dilbert cartoon did you take that from? That one simply annoyed me.

On the same topic:
Computers really are the end of civilization (said seriously).
Oh, you're so above it all, aren't you? You probably only know what a computer is because you heard your neighborhood newsy shouting about it on the street corner.

But this last one sent me over the edge. I mean, I love animals and all, but holy goddamn fucking, cunting shitballs cock twat.
I don't even call them animals. I mean, we're all animals aren't we? I call them my brothers and sisters.
Nothing I say can properly express the rage I felt when I heard this. First of all, no you don't. You don't say that, you fucking idiot. Nobody does. Imagine if you did.

"I can't go hang out tonight, man. My brother's sick and I have to make sure I'm there to feed him."

"I didn't know you had a brother."

"Sure you did. You've met Mister Perriwinkle Starfeathers before."

"Your cat is your brother? Well, it's a shame that I'm no longer friends with you as a result of you being a complete fucking moron."

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I STILL Goddamn Hate Best Buy!

I know, Internet. It's been a while, but the only thing that keeps me coming back is my hatred for that giant yellow tag. I said "tag," with a T; this is not about you, George Takei.

So, I was doing some shopping for other things at the Target near the Best Buy today, so I figured I'd stop in because, although I hate it, I had read that they were having a sale on assorted comedy DVDs for $5. I went in and picked up two of those (Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and Idiocracy if you must know, a-hole) and decided to look around.

There was a display for assorted Adult Swim DVDs on sale, so I figured I'd look since I enjoy it, but always forget to watch it. And when I say display, I mean that they were on the end of the aisle with a sign about two feet wide and one foot high above it advertising this sale. But it's fucking Best Buy, so of course things aren't always that easy. The sign said, "Save $10 on assorted Adult Swim DVDs." So I looked at the price, subtracted $10 and decided I would buy seasons 1 and 2 of Robot Chicken.

And everything turned out just great. No problems at all. Talk to you in eleven months.

You don't believe me? Good, because I was lying like the dirty whore I am.

I rushed to the counter to pay to escape with my newly-acquired, but let's-be-honest-maybe-never-to-be-watched DVDs. I reach forward and before the woman can even say hi to me, I ask her what they ring up for because it's Best Buy and they, like Good Charlotte, only exist to suck out your soul and feed it in loving, Hep-C laden spoonfuls to Paris Hilton and Nichole Richie.

"$26.99 each."

That's right. Of course they were.

"Well, there's a sign over there that says they're $10 off."

Immediately, without hesitation, the woman passed me off.

"Go show her," she said pointing to a girl I'm assuming is the manager because to be a manager at a Best Buy, you have to pencil in your eyebrows and wear a shirt that may have fit in sixth grade (I'm 1 for 2!).

I walked the woman over there and she examined the sign like she was trying to verify a lost Da Vinci painting. After a couple of minutes, she and I headed back. I WON!

We got to the counter and the other woman, non-manager, re-rang back in my items.

"Okay. $21.99."

"$21.99?" I say. "The sign didn't say..."

"Yeah. $5 each."

"But the sign didn't say buy two and save $10. It just said to save $10 on Adult Swim DVDs."

Defeated by my logic (logic, something talked about in hushed tones in the back alleys of the Double B, but rarely, if ever, actually seen in use), the manager sighed and said, "Yeah. $10 off each."

Before I paid, the woman ringing me up was training somebody, and she said to me, "Ooh, well, since we saved you so much money, you can go ahead and take our phone survey."

I almost told her that if I didn't know the incompetence that runs rampant through Best Buy like Hispanic children at Red Lobster, I would have saved zero dollars.

Instead, I paid in hot jars of urine I'd been saving in my car for such an occasion.

On the way out, the security alarm went off as I passed through and without looking back, I just yelled, "I stole all of this," and kept walking.

I wish I wasn't just awesome in my own mind.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

My Life Smells Like Bacon!

So, I came home from work just now to find my apartment smelling - strongly - of bacon. Now, I don't know if it means a faerie is hiding in my cupboard or I'm being haunted by the fattest ghost to ever exist, but I'm simultaneously alarmed and overjoyed.

I mean, it's bacon. I could come back to find it smelling like something terrible: mold, shit, sweaty taint. But I come back to find it smelling like one of the best foods ever. Still, though, it's kind of strange to come back and have your apartment smelling like anything other than that hobo I stow in my closet and cut pieces off of to use as bars of soap.

Does this mean I'm having a stroke?

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

How Best to Fuck Over My Car Neighbor?

The guy who parks next to me in my apartment complex is a goddamn douche bag. He parks like frat boys wear hats: crooked and like a fucking DOUCHE BAG. And it's not like he drives some big car that's hard to park. It's some early 90s Nissan Sentra piece of shit that's filled with garbage and assholes. By the way, my memoir will be called Garbage and Assholes: A Tale of Courage...and Assholes.

Well, this guy leaves his passenger door unlocked all the time. I park on that side. I know how to open doors (lest we forget I was in GATE), so I could very easily get into that car and fuck some shit up. But what do I do? I don't want to incriminate myself, but I want to get back at this guy who parks like a Chinese girl's vagina - slanted and filled with shame.

The obvious thing I could do is stick something really terrible beneath the passenger seat and let it stink up his car. But that's easily remedied. I want something that sticks. I also thought about getting a box of condoms, sticking it in the glove compartment with one missing, leaving the receipt so the date is on there, and sticking the wrapper of the missing one in the car somewhere. I've seen that this guy does have a girlfriend, so this could be wonderful. I would love to ruin this guy's day because he ruins my day every time I have to make a 12-point turn just to leave the lot.

Please give me ideas. I want revenge and I want it now.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

What's the First Thing You Hear When the Curtain Goes up on the New Harry Potter Movie?

Well, if you're me and you have a black guy sitting behind you, it's this.

"Harry Potter? That nigga like 30."