Wednesday, July 18, 2007

How Best to Fuck Over My Car Neighbor?

The guy who parks next to me in my apartment complex is a goddamn douche bag. He parks like frat boys wear hats: crooked and like a fucking DOUCHE BAG. And it's not like he drives some big car that's hard to park. It's some early 90s Nissan Sentra piece of shit that's filled with garbage and assholes. By the way, my memoir will be called Garbage and Assholes: A Tale of Courage...and Assholes.

Well, this guy leaves his passenger door unlocked all the time. I park on that side. I know how to open doors (lest we forget I was in GATE), so I could very easily get into that car and fuck some shit up. But what do I do? I don't want to incriminate myself, but I want to get back at this guy who parks like a Chinese girl's vagina - slanted and filled with shame.

The obvious thing I could do is stick something really terrible beneath the passenger seat and let it stink up his car. But that's easily remedied. I want something that sticks. I also thought about getting a box of condoms, sticking it in the glove compartment with one missing, leaving the receipt so the date is on there, and sticking the wrapper of the missing one in the car somewhere. I've seen that this guy does have a girlfriend, so this could be wonderful. I would love to ruin this guy's day because he ruins my day every time I have to make a 12-point turn just to leave the lot.

Please give me ideas. I want revenge and I want it now.


Anonymous said...

A friend's newly minted ex-boyfriend in high school PISSED on the passenger seat of my car. He was drunk and a complete psycho. Try might be good if the car has cloth seats. I'm sure it does if it's a shitty little Nissan from the last century. My car was a DATSUN (Datsun = Really Old Nissan) with cracked vinyl seats.

eob said...

Go to Staples .. get a "print your own bumper-sticker" kit. Print a whole bunch of bumper-stickers that say "I park like an asshole" then stick them all over his windshield, making sure to block the drivers view rendering the vehicle un-drivable. Revenge complete.

eob said...

Also check out this site

jengagne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Raw eggs. Broken. Under the seat. Very hard to clean out and perfect for this summer weather.