Friday, February 24, 2006

New Apple Product!

*I added another one 2-26-06*
Apple recently announced that they're going to reveal a new product on Tuesday and a nerdy website I read is having a little photoshop contest where people produce mock-ups of what they think it could be. This was mine. It's weird and I really only did it for the final joke at the bottom.I made another one (you'll probably have to click it since it relies heavily on reading).

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Calm Down, Ladies!

I'm going to be focusing on writing other, non-blog stuff for a while, so my updates aren't going to be nearly as frequent.

I'm not going away for good, but things will slow down a lot here.

If there's anything I really feel like I have to write about, I'll do it, but it won't be the every day/every other day that it is now.

So, bye bye.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Francis Bean, This Is Why You Can't See Your Mother Anymore!

Well, it's happened. It was only a matter of time, really. My popularity and all-around sphere of influence has become so far-reaching that I've started to receive items to be featured on my site. I recently received a copy of the Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson on DVD to be reviewed by me, your humble public shill.

I reviewed this special when it first aired back in August, but now it has come out on DVD so you can watch Courtney Love simulate giving Jimmy Kimmel a blowjob in the privacy of your own home. Finally! No more relying on my own hand-drawn sketches and coke-fueled memories.

When I first put in the DVD, I was excited. "All right! A free DVD featuring some comics that I occasionally enjoy!" Soon, though, that was all wiped away when those goddamn pre-menu screen commercials came on for every Comedy Central DVD in existence. This wouldn't have been so bad if I could just push the menu button to skip through them, but I couldn't. You have to actually fast forward through each one. Again, if they were all for shows I enjoyed, I wouldn't have minded it so much, but the second commercial was for the most terrible show on television, not just Comedy Central: Mind of Mencia. Carlos Mencia is comedy kryptonite. So that was a bad start, free DVD. Bad start.

The comedians who start out the roasting are actually good, funny comedians. Jimmy Kimmel does a good enough job as the "Roastmaster," and Greg Giraldo and Jeffrey Ross are both funny. And, as I mentioned in the other article, Jeffrey Ross has the best joke of the whole night when he says, "How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?" It's kind of strange, though, to know that Pam Anderson has no idea who these people are that are comparing her vagina to the bat cave.

The first half hour or forty-five minutes are actually entertaining. But then you can tell that all of the stipulations of Pamela Anderson's agreeing to be Roasted started to kick in.

Once Tommy Lee comes on as the musical guest, you know that things have taken a dramatic turn for the worse. Adam Corolla is left to introduce Tommy Lee who performs what he calls a “song” which is absolutely ironically titled “Good Times.” If you’re like me and you like to play drinking games all by yourself with a Dukes of Hazzard thermos filled with warm rubbing alcohol, you should try this one I made up while watching this DVD. Every time the song sounds terrible, you get to drink. Congratulations! You’re drunk. He's the reason that drummers don't sing. Yeah, that's right; fuck you, Phil Collins (he's an avid reader of this blog).

Then comes the moment you've been waiting for: Courtney Love presents her case for having her child put into foster care. She tells the best joke of the night when she slurs that she’s been clean and sober for a year. Watching her on stage is like watching a little girl who is being videotaped and can see herself off camera. Only this little girl is addicted to painkillers (whereas most little girls prefer Flintstone vitamin suppositories and doing lines of Fun Dip off of each other's diaper rashes).

Then, since his performance wasn't enough, Tommy Lee comes up and does five solid minutes of "comedy." It's worse than the awkward five minutes it takes me to squirt out a little pee at a urinal when all of the stalls are taken in a public restroom. Only I was actually more relieved when Tommy Lee's set was over.

Lisa Lampanelli is the last one to roast. She’s terribly unfunny. It’s like having a Major League Baseball team and having the Thalidomide-defected waterboy bat cleanup.

Granted, it was an Uncensored & Extended DVD because they said things like "snatch and cock" and it wasn't bleeped, but it was basically the same thing as the special on TV. But, and I do have to give them credit for this, even though it was extended they did not add in the other unaired roasters like Eddie Griffin, Elon Gold, and a transvestite named Lady Bunny. So, thanks for that, Comedy Central.

"But, Kurt, what about the bonus features? You love DVDs with bonus features, why don't you tell us about those?" you say.

I watched them all and, for the most part, they're like an intervention for Courtney Love: useless. Hey, everybody can get in on the fun! "Kurt, you're as funny as a man hitting a baby monkey in the head with a hammer."

There is some rehearsal footage with Courtney Love where she and Andy Dick talk to one another in uncomfortably close quarters for a long time about how much they both love being sober. I'm guessing they're using the word sober like the way that Michael Jackson reinvented the word "bad."

If, for some reason, somebody decides to send you the DVD for free also, you should skip the Red Carpet interviews. The girl doing the interviewing is terrible and the only redeeming part is, again, when she's interviewing Courtney Love. It's like they're having different conversations. The annoying interview girl is having one, and Courtney Love is having nine all with nobody but herself.

Overall, should you buy the DVD? Not at all. If you want it, you should just start a blog and, two and a half years later, somebody will offer to send it to you for free provided you write a review about it.

I give it my rating of one dirty tetherball filled with hot mayonnaise and M&Ms.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Yuk-yuk Joke of the Week!

It's Sunday, that means that for today and possibly in the future or until I'm bored, I'm going to drop my joke of the week on you. These are all, to my knowledge, completely made up by me and things that I couldn't fit in anywhere else.

I masturbated with sunblock for a month. My cock can actually survive a nuclear explosion on my balls.

You're welcome, senses of humor.

Oh, I've also updated "Search Party" with some more interesting searches yielding visits to my site.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

George 3:16!

As everybody knows, the recruitment numbers for America's Armed Forces have dipped dramatically since the Iraq War restarted a couple of years ago. In an effort to reach out to the youth of America and let them know that they are obligated to fight for their country, the White House is trying to blend a little old school with a little really old school hoping it will do the trick.You know what makes a war, like, ten times better? Adding the word "holy" before it.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Cockblock the Mighty!

As I sit here on this Valentine's Day in a retrospective mood, I have come to realize why I am Valentineless today: It's the nicknames.

I love nicknames. With my different groups of friends I have various monickers by which I am known; none of which is my actual name. I used to think that they would help me score with the ladies because they immediately show a side of my personality, but, upon further examination, maybe they were doing more harm than good.

The following nicknames may have cost me from impregnating (and subsequently forcing abortions upon) countless women:

  • Spencer All-Balls
  • Thor the Elderly Rapist
  • Lambtongue
  • Armpitfucker the Magic
  • William "Battery-in-the-Ass" Wallace
  • "Elevator-Button-Dick" Dick
  • "Hold Me Closer Tiny Ice Dancer"
  • The Duke of White-Hot Curling Irons to the Vagina
  • LL Cool Gay
  • Frankie Muniz
  • Erectile Dysfunction Conjunction Junction Pajama Jamboree (I still dispute the fact that this was detrimental, just say it outloud--it's like a circus for your mouth)
  • Circus for Your Mouth
  • Little Hitler
  • Billy Bedwetter the Train Conductor of the Pixies
  • "First-Base" Freddie
  • Crybaby Pansy Faggot-Ass Homoboy (only one person called me this and it was never when I was in front of women I was hitting on, so I guess I can't blame my dad)
  • Dances with Wolves, Throws like Girl
  • Weepy-sex Walter
  • "Hey, That Guy Sure Doesn't Like Girls"
I should have probably known something was up with that last one.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Shot Through the Face And You're to Blame!

Over the weekend, Dick Cheney shot his millionaire lawyer friend in the face and I don't mean it in the sexual way that millionaires punish one another for losing a circle jerk; he literally shot his friend in the face.

Dick Cheney claims he didn't see the man, Harry Whittington, when he pulled the trigger to his shotgun in an attempt to shoot a goddamn, no good quail. If you ask me, shooting a friend in the face is necessary collateral damage when it comes to quail hunting. I'd gladly take some pellets to the face (again, not the way that Germans celebrate losing their version of a circle jerk, actual pellets) if I knew that a quail was also going to lose its life shortly after. I mean, have you seen a quail?Look at that smug motherfucker. And that caption comes straight from the World Wildlife Fund website. I wouldn't add something like that.

Now, in comparison, let's take a look at the guy that Dick Cheney shot in the face.That caption was also not added by me. But I did get it from the International Circle Jerk World Series Championship roster web page so I assume that they're not actually talking about shotguns to the head in this case. Coincidenceries and confusundrances abound!

The White House released a statement saying that, provided all goes well, the man will be fine. Then, in a goodwill gesture, Mr. Cheney invited Michael Moore, Hillary Clinton, and his own lesbian daughter on his next hunting trip.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

The Terrible Psychic!

Over the past few years I have been able to hone my psychic abilities to a point where I feel comfortable sharing them with the world. Like they always say, if you have a gift, share it. That's why Spider-Man exists, and Paris Hilton. They're doing the world a service.

With this in mind, I'm going to run down some recent news stories and let you know how things are going to pan out in the coming weeks.

Ariel Sharon, Israeli Prime Minister, got two feet of intestine removed

Those intestines will be put into a jar where they will incubate for 40 years and, once they're ready, will turn into hundreds of Jews that many people claim don't even exist.

The Winter Olympics started this week!

The Curling competition will end as it always does: a knife fight will break out and somebody will go home with a ten-pound stone up their ass.

'Disgraced' Lobbyist Jack Abramoff and George W. Bush Photo Released

This week, the White House will release a photograph of George W. Bush having a tea party with Napoleon, Genghis Khan, and Robert Deniro to prove that anybody can doctor a photo. Only few White House employees know that this photo is actually authentic as well.

George W. Bush Announced that the US Foiled Terrorist Attempt to Fly Plane into Building in Los Angeles

It will soon be revealed that he also has helped stop an army of giants from descending from their floating sky island and destroying villages and he also used the power of prayer to stop his buddy Jesus from shooting the gays with lightning bolts for trying to get married.

450 Christian Churches to Commemorate Charles Darwin

In an ironic twist, God will smite all these churchgoers for worshipping false idols, then he'll go back to listening to his Kelly Clarkson CD. Few people know that thunder is actually the byproduct of God singing, "Since You Been Gone" at the top of his lungs.

George Clooney, Nominated for Several Oscars, Says He Doesn't Expect to Win

The false modesty is all well and good, but things at the Oscars are going to end the same way they always do: a knife fight will break out and somebody will go home with a ten-pound stone up their ass.

That's what's known in the high-class comedy world where I make my living as a callback, kids! Look it up!

Interesting thought of the day:
The dog Monopoly piece was originally going to be a tiny exact replica of Auschwitz. Luckily, cooler heads prevailed. Though, as a compromise, the dog is actually named Joseph Goebbels.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Hit My Baby One More Time!

Most of you have probably heard by now that Britney Spears has made the news because she was photographed giving her new baby driving lessons.
Many people have expressed outrage that she would put her child in such a precarious situation, but she claims that she was actually protecting her baby by putting him on her lap instead of a carseat. It's the same way that I protect delicious milkshakes by drinking them before they melt.

This is not the first time that she has done something like this where she is photographed putting her child in what some may deem as an unsafe situation. I've been lucky enough to come across a few pictures where young Sean Preston is seemingly put in harm's way.

In the following photo, you can see that just because you have a new son doesn't mean you shouldn't use the complimentary scuba diving lessons that you got in your Grammy gift bag.She's rich, maybe she should have sprung for the extra set of equipment. Or he was born with gills. With Kevin Federline's genes, I wouldn't put that past him.

The next picture was obviously taken soon after her son was born.But, I have to stick up for Britney on this one. She's obviously taken every precaution she can to ensure his safety. He has his own parachute made out of a plastic bag and she's written on him in marker or the stuff they make Henna tattoos from that "If found please return to Britney Spears." Good enough for me.

And, finally, I can't come to her defense on this next one. Here we see her baby sitting next to an angry bear that she's poking in the neck with a stick.Now that's just irresponsible.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Hallmarky Mark and the Funky Bunch!

I've decided to fill a hole that I've noticed in the greeting card market by creating my own line of cards. I've found myself in a few situations recently where I've needed a card to say something, but when I look for a card, the perfect one isn't there.

Some of you may need this one for the coming weeks, so feel free to print this out and use it.FrontInside

This next one will be more useful when, within the next few years, the Supreme Court overturns Roe v. Wade and abortions are made illegal.FrontInside

And, finally, I'm surprised that this one isn't on the market already what with all the news stories I've been hearing about this.FrontInside

Maybe I'll be making some more cards in the future as the situations arise.

Monday, February 06, 2006

My Lovely Lady Lumps!

The Superbowl has come to be known just as much for football as it is for the commercials which air during the broadcast. This year was no different. There was a pterodactyl in one and that automatically makes it the best commercial to air. The majority of the spots were for exactly the products you would think: beer and fast food. That's what guys care about. But then there was this one spot that no doubt cost the company a lot of money, but it fell on deaf ears; they just had their demographic completely wrong.

There was a commercial from Dove soap that was aimed at making girls feel better about themselves. During the Superbowl. I know that what happened at the place I was watching this had to happen around the world in unison.

If you haven't seen the commercial, click here. If you can't watch the commercial, I'll explain it. It shows a bunch of young girls and then text comes along the side of the screen explaining what she doesn't like about herself. Well, in a room full of guys, this is exactly what happened where I was and, no doubt, around the world.

Text on screen: Hates her freckles.

Guys in the room: "So do I!" "She should probably just kill herself!"

Text on screen: Thinks she's ugly.

Guys: "She's right about that." "A girl's thinking for once?"

Text on screen: Thinks she's fat.

Guys: "What's that tubby bitch doing on the screen?" "Who invited the Rockbiter?"

Text on screen: Let's tell her she's wrong.

Guys: "She isn't!"

Then there's simultaneous high fives and a bunch of guys regale one another with tales of punching their girlfriends in the face.

We're a terrible, horrible people. Though they don't actually mean that the girls are ugly or fat or whatever, they're so used to trying to keep girl's self-esteem in check that it's instinct to reinforce all the negative shit girls think about themselves so they don't go off and get with a guy who won't see if he can fit his foot in her vagina while she's sleeping.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

President Finally Begins War On Centaurs!

I've said that it was happening before, but this time I think it really is. I said it was happening when Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt announced their divorce. I also said it was happening when that black rooster appeared on my doorstep the morning after the 2004 election. This time, however, I'm sure that the Apocalypse is drawing nigh.

In his State of the Union Speech, George W. made it a point to express the idea that he was not going to stand idly by as human-animal hybrids take over the planet (that link is from Christianity today, where I get all my man-beast news).

I didn't even know that this was something that was on the horizon. Now that I'm armed with this information, I will finally pursue my goal--and no goddamn George W. Bush is going to stop me. If I have to go to a Third World country I will, but in the very near future I will be getting my dorsal fin and live bald eagles in the place of each of my hands.

I'm thinking that he had a dream the night before the speech and insisted to his speechwriters that he work in that angle. Maybe it went like this.


GEORGE W. BUSH sits at his desk speaking to TWO MEN who sit quietly in chairs across from him as he finishes reading some papers and sets them on his desk.

Guys, it's good, but you didn't put
in the thing I told you about this

Mr. President, we don't really think
that this is a pressing issue that
the nation is concerned about.

It's only not pressing because they
don't know about it yet. I guarantee
you that when they hear about it,
they'll go crazy like I did.

We looked into this, sir, and nobody
is even trying to make human-animal

Listen, Speechwriter number two--

It's just Speechwriter two. You don't
have to say number.

Jesus taught me how to become
President through dreams and, last
night in my dream, he was trying to
tell me to make sure nobody makes any--
(he gets choked up)

It's okay, Mr. President.

The man was chasing me, Speechwriter
one. He was chasing me and and and
he had feet like a pig, horns like a
goat, and a tongue and teeth like a vicious
King Cobra.

That was Dick Cheney reading you your
bedtime story.

Not this time! It wasn't. I swear.

Fine. We'll put it in there. But
don't blame us if people give you a
hard time about it.

Oh thank you! Thank you! You guys
won't regret this. I've got to go
tell Laura. I'm going to attack those
human-animal hybrids before they can
band together and attack me. It's a
pre-emptive strike. I'm good at those.
I'm going to write to him and give him some suggestions about things that he can try to put the kibosh on before it actually happens: Time travel for monetary gain (don't get any ideas from Back to the Future 3), cars that fold into briefcases, and Fizzy Lifting Drinks.

Fishing with People Who Have Played Robots on Film and/or Television: Explainified!

The show was pre-empted by the State of the Union this week, but should return back when I feel like writing it.

I need to stop getting myself into these repetitive articles because my ADD just doesn't let me stick with them.

If I decide not to finish it, I'll let you know who won sometime (the show was taped in advance and the winner has already been decided, handily).

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

This Is Where Space-Time as We Know It Will Collapse!

Some say it couldn't be done. Others said that it shouldn't be done. Others, still, said it bloudn't be done. That last group of people had an unfortunate accident involving a nail gun and their cerebral cortex; you really shouldn't make fun of them.

But I digest! I will attempt to do something which, until this point, was only done by witches or the autistic. I will compare apples and oranges.

"That's like comparing apples and oranges," you say. That's not like comparing them, it is comparing them. But I'll do it because I live for danger. Danger is my maiden name.

In case you're not familiar with them, I'll provide photographic evidence of the aforementioned fruits once only whispered about in sewing circles and hinted at in Better Homes & Gardens articles.

On the left is an apple and on the right is an orange--a pissed off orange. As you can tell by looking at them, they are roughly the same shape (roundish). This is evidence that, in ancient times when fruits and vegetables ruled the land and consumed dinosaurs and sabre-tooth tigers in the blink of an eye, that apples and oranges used to mate. Since their reproductive organs fit together in the way that only Daddy Nature could have intended it, this is rock-solid proof that apples and oranges are not as dissimilar or as gay as some would like you to believe.

Once again, thanks to the photographic evidence I have been able to provide, you can tell that apples and oranges are not exactly the same color. But hold on. I'm about to blow your goddamn mind. See, apples don't just come in the red variety. They also come in green and probably a variety of other colors like red. Then, it's safe to assume by Newton's Theory of Gravity and Apples that they also come in orange. It's a complicated equation, well over your head, but trust me, it's all 100% legit.

Also, when you look on the following color wheel, you can easily see that red and orange are neighbors, therefore, they're basically the same thing. They water each other's plants and get one another's mail when they're on vacation.Flavor
Have you ever eaten an apple or an orange? Probably not since up until the beginning of this article you believed that they were a mythical fruit picked from the trees of Atlantis. Well I have. And they both taste exactly the same. Next category.

As established in 1885 by a scienceist (this is even more science-y than a scientist), the adorableness scale is a way of comparing exactly what it sounds like. What happens is, each item in question is asked to become its most adorable and, depending on what it chooses, one can find out how similar or dissimilar the objects in question are.

Up first was the orange and this is how it decided to dress up.As you can see, it chose the stove-pipe hat. And, personally, on an adorableness scale of 1 to 10 in my heart, this scores a perfect one-hug-dred.

Below you'll see the Adorableness Chart which is very much like the Color Wheel. How close the two items appear in the chart directly corrolates to how alike they are.Looking at the chart of hard science (as it's known in the Scienceist community), if the apple were to choose either the bumblebee or the Monopoly Guy, this would prove that apples and oranges are very similar.

Let's see what the apple chose to portray its adorableness at its maximum.This is not unprecendented, though it rarely does happen. The last time two items were perfectly equal on the adorableness chart was when both girls from the Parent Trap dressed up as Hitler. And their own parents couldn't even tell them apart.Let's get together!

The next time somebody says to you, "That's like comparing apples and oranges," just shake your head with a knowing smile and realize that you're a much smarter and better person for having read this essay. And, armed with that knowledge, go to your local grocer and ask them to sell you one of their apples or oranges for less than $100 each; they will know that you are privy to the secret and they will begrudgingly oblige. They not only make great pets, but they're both essential ingredients in making blueberry pie.