Wednesday, February 01, 2006

This Is Where Space-Time as We Know It Will Collapse!

Some say it couldn't be done. Others said that it shouldn't be done. Others, still, said it bloudn't be done. That last group of people had an unfortunate accident involving a nail gun and their cerebral cortex; you really shouldn't make fun of them.

But I digest! I will attempt to do something which, until this point, was only done by witches or the autistic. I will compare apples and oranges.

"That's like comparing apples and oranges," you say. That's not like comparing them, it is comparing them. But I'll do it because I live for danger. Danger is my maiden name.

In case you're not familiar with them, I'll provide photographic evidence of the aforementioned fruits once only whispered about in sewing circles and hinted at in Better Homes & Gardens articles.

On the left is an apple and on the right is an orange--a pissed off orange. As you can tell by looking at them, they are roughly the same shape (roundish). This is evidence that, in ancient times when fruits and vegetables ruled the land and consumed dinosaurs and sabre-tooth tigers in the blink of an eye, that apples and oranges used to mate. Since their reproductive organs fit together in the way that only Daddy Nature could have intended it, this is rock-solid proof that apples and oranges are not as dissimilar or as gay as some would like you to believe.

Once again, thanks to the photographic evidence I have been able to provide, you can tell that apples and oranges are not exactly the same color. But hold on. I'm about to blow your goddamn mind. See, apples don't just come in the red variety. They also come in green and probably a variety of other colors like red. Then, it's safe to assume by Newton's Theory of Gravity and Apples that they also come in orange. It's a complicated equation, well over your head, but trust me, it's all 100% legit.

Also, when you look on the following color wheel, you can easily see that red and orange are neighbors, therefore, they're basically the same thing. They water each other's plants and get one another's mail when they're on vacation.Flavor
Have you ever eaten an apple or an orange? Probably not since up until the beginning of this article you believed that they were a mythical fruit picked from the trees of Atlantis. Well I have. And they both taste exactly the same. Next category.

As established in 1885 by a scienceist (this is even more science-y than a scientist), the adorableness scale is a way of comparing exactly what it sounds like. What happens is, each item in question is asked to become its most adorable and, depending on what it chooses, one can find out how similar or dissimilar the objects in question are.

Up first was the orange and this is how it decided to dress up.As you can see, it chose the stove-pipe hat. And, personally, on an adorableness scale of 1 to 10 in my heart, this scores a perfect one-hug-dred.

Below you'll see the Adorableness Chart which is very much like the Color Wheel. How close the two items appear in the chart directly corrolates to how alike they are.Looking at the chart of hard science (as it's known in the Scienceist community), if the apple were to choose either the bumblebee or the Monopoly Guy, this would prove that apples and oranges are very similar.

Let's see what the apple chose to portray its adorableness at its maximum.This is not unprecendented, though it rarely does happen. The last time two items were perfectly equal on the adorableness chart was when both girls from the Parent Trap dressed up as Hitler. And their own parents couldn't even tell them apart.Let's get together!

The next time somebody says to you, "That's like comparing apples and oranges," just shake your head with a knowing smile and realize that you're a much smarter and better person for having read this essay. And, armed with that knowledge, go to your local grocer and ask them to sell you one of their apples or oranges for less than $100 each; they will know that you are privy to the secret and they will begrudgingly oblige. They not only make great pets, but they're both essential ingredients in making blueberry pie.

1 comment:

Phil said...

Every now and again you do something that leaves me unable to read because I'm laughing so hard. The above picture of Haley "Hitler" Mills was one of those times.