The Terrible Psychic!

Over the past few years I have been able to hone my psychic abilities to a point where I feel comfortable sharing them with the world. Like they always say, if you have a gift, share it. That's why Spider-Man exists, and Paris Hilton. They're doing the world a service.

With this in mind, I'm going to run down some recent news stories and let you know how things are going to pan out in the coming weeks.

Ariel Sharon, Israeli Prime Minister, got two feet of intestine removed

Those intestines will be put into a jar where they will incubate for 40 years and, once they're ready, will turn into hundreds of Jews that many people claim don't even exist.

The Winter Olympics started this week!

The Curling competition will end as it always does: a knife fight will break out and somebody will go home with a ten-pound stone up their ass.

'Disgraced' Lobbyist Jack Abramoff and George W. Bush Photo Released

This week, the White House will release a photograph of George W. Bush having a tea party with Napoleon, Genghis Khan, and Robert Deniro to prove that anybody can doctor a photo. Only few White House employees know that this photo is actually authentic as well.

George W. Bush Announced that the US Foiled Terrorist Attempt to Fly Plane into Building in Los Angeles

It will soon be revealed that he also has helped stop an army of giants from descending from their floating sky island and destroying villages and he also used the power of prayer to stop his buddy Jesus from shooting the gays with lightning bolts for trying to get married.

450 Christian Churches to Commemorate Charles Darwin

In an ironic twist, God will smite all these churchgoers for worshipping false idols, then he'll go back to listening to his Kelly Clarkson CD. Few people know that thunder is actually the byproduct of God singing, "Since You Been Gone" at the top of his lungs.

George Clooney, Nominated for Several Oscars, Says He Doesn't Expect to Win

The false modesty is all well and good, but things at the Oscars are going to end the same way they always do: a knife fight will break out and somebody will go home with a ten-pound stone up their ass.

That's what's known in the high-class comedy world where I make my living as a callback, kids! Look it up!

Interesting thought of the day:
The dog Monopoly piece was originally going to be a tiny exact replica of Auschwitz. Luckily, cooler heads prevailed. Though, as a compromise, the dog is actually named Joseph Goebbels.