Francis Bean, This Is Why You Can't See Your Mother Anymore!

Well, it's happened. It was only a matter of time, really. My popularity and all-around sphere of influence has become so far-reaching that I've started to receive items to be featured on my site. I recently received a copy of the Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson on DVD to be reviewed by me, your humble public shill.

I reviewed this special when it first aired back in August, but now it has come out on DVD so you can watch Courtney Love simulate giving Jimmy Kimmel a blowjob in the privacy of your own home. Finally! No more relying on my own hand-drawn sketches and coke-fueled memories.

When I first put in the DVD, I was excited. "All right! A free DVD featuring some comics that I occasionally enjoy!" Soon, though, that was all wiped away when those goddamn pre-menu screen commercials came on for every Comedy Central DVD in existence. This wouldn't have been so bad if I could just push the menu button to skip through them, but I couldn't. You have to actually fast forward through each one. Again, if they were all for shows I enjoyed, I wouldn't have minded it so much, but the second commercial was for the most terrible show on television, not just Comedy Central: Mind of Mencia. Carlos Mencia is comedy kryptonite. So that was a bad start, free DVD. Bad start.

The comedians who start out the roasting are actually good, funny comedians. Jimmy Kimmel does a good enough job as the "Roastmaster," and Greg Giraldo and Jeffrey Ross are both funny. And, as I mentioned in the other article, Jeffrey Ross has the best joke of the whole night when he says, "How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?" It's kind of strange, though, to know that Pam Anderson has no idea who these people are that are comparing her vagina to the bat cave.

The first half hour or forty-five minutes are actually entertaining. But then you can tell that all of the stipulations of Pamela Anderson's agreeing to be Roasted started to kick in.

Once Tommy Lee comes on as the musical guest, you know that things have taken a dramatic turn for the worse. Adam Corolla is left to introduce Tommy Lee who performs what he calls a “song” which is absolutely ironically titled “Good Times.” If you’re like me and you like to play drinking games all by yourself with a Dukes of Hazzard thermos filled with warm rubbing alcohol, you should try this one I made up while watching this DVD. Every time the song sounds terrible, you get to drink. Congratulations! You’re drunk. He's the reason that drummers don't sing. Yeah, that's right; fuck you, Phil Collins (he's an avid reader of this blog).

Then comes the moment you've been waiting for: Courtney Love presents her case for having her child put into foster care. She tells the best joke of the night when she slurs that she’s been clean and sober for a year. Watching her on stage is like watching a little girl who is being videotaped and can see herself off camera. Only this little girl is addicted to painkillers (whereas most little girls prefer Flintstone vitamin suppositories and doing lines of Fun Dip off of each other's diaper rashes).

Then, since his performance wasn't enough, Tommy Lee comes up and does five solid minutes of "comedy." It's worse than the awkward five minutes it takes me to squirt out a little pee at a urinal when all of the stalls are taken in a public restroom. Only I was actually more relieved when Tommy Lee's set was over.

Lisa Lampanelli is the last one to roast. She’s terribly unfunny. It’s like having a Major League Baseball team and having the Thalidomide-defected waterboy bat cleanup.

Granted, it was an Uncensored & Extended DVD because they said things like "snatch and cock" and it wasn't bleeped, but it was basically the same thing as the special on TV. But, and I do have to give them credit for this, even though it was extended they did not add in the other unaired roasters like Eddie Griffin, Elon Gold, and a transvestite named Lady Bunny. So, thanks for that, Comedy Central.

"But, Kurt, what about the bonus features? You love DVDs with bonus features, why don't you tell us about those?" you say.

I watched them all and, for the most part, they're like an intervention for Courtney Love: useless. Hey, everybody can get in on the fun! "Kurt, you're as funny as a man hitting a baby monkey in the head with a hammer."

There is some rehearsal footage with Courtney Love where she and Andy Dick talk to one another in uncomfortably close quarters for a long time about how much they both love being sober. I'm guessing they're using the word sober like the way that Michael Jackson reinvented the word "bad."

If, for some reason, somebody decides to send you the DVD for free also, you should skip the Red Carpet interviews. The girl doing the interviewing is terrible and the only redeeming part is, again, when she's interviewing Courtney Love. It's like they're having different conversations. The annoying interview girl is having one, and Courtney Love is having nine all with nobody but herself.

Overall, should you buy the DVD? Not at all. If you want it, you should just start a blog and, two and a half years later, somebody will offer to send it to you for free provided you write a review about it.

I give it my rating of one dirty tetherball filled with hot mayonnaise and M&Ms.