Thursday, February 02, 2006

President Finally Begins War On Centaurs!

I've said that it was happening before, but this time I think it really is. I said it was happening when Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt announced their divorce. I also said it was happening when that black rooster appeared on my doorstep the morning after the 2004 election. This time, however, I'm sure that the Apocalypse is drawing nigh.

In his State of the Union Speech, George W. made it a point to express the idea that he was not going to stand idly by as human-animal hybrids take over the planet (that link is from Christianity today, where I get all my man-beast news).

I didn't even know that this was something that was on the horizon. Now that I'm armed with this information, I will finally pursue my goal--and no goddamn George W. Bush is going to stop me. If I have to go to a Third World country I will, but in the very near future I will be getting my dorsal fin and live bald eagles in the place of each of my hands.

I'm thinking that he had a dream the night before the speech and insisted to his speechwriters that he work in that angle. Maybe it went like this.


GEORGE W. BUSH sits at his desk speaking to TWO MEN who sit quietly in chairs across from him as he finishes reading some papers and sets them on his desk.

Guys, it's good, but you didn't put
in the thing I told you about this

Mr. President, we don't really think
that this is a pressing issue that
the nation is concerned about.

It's only not pressing because they
don't know about it yet. I guarantee
you that when they hear about it,
they'll go crazy like I did.

We looked into this, sir, and nobody
is even trying to make human-animal

Listen, Speechwriter number two--

It's just Speechwriter two. You don't
have to say number.

Jesus taught me how to become
President through dreams and, last
night in my dream, he was trying to
tell me to make sure nobody makes any--
(he gets choked up)

It's okay, Mr. President.

The man was chasing me, Speechwriter
one. He was chasing me and and and
he had feet like a pig, horns like a
goat, and a tongue and teeth like a vicious
King Cobra.

That was Dick Cheney reading you your
bedtime story.

Not this time! It wasn't. I swear.

Fine. We'll put it in there. But
don't blame us if people give you a
hard time about it.

Oh thank you! Thank you! You guys
won't regret this. I've got to go
tell Laura. I'm going to attack those
human-animal hybrids before they can
band together and attack me. It's a
pre-emptive strike. I'm good at those.
I'm going to write to him and give him some suggestions about things that he can try to put the kibosh on before it actually happens: Time travel for monetary gain (don't get any ideas from Back to the Future 3), cars that fold into briefcases, and Fizzy Lifting Drinks.

1 comment:

Bob Merkin said...

I stole your centaur (and linked to your blog). Do you have any idea what amusement park he/it hangs out in?

More documented certified photographic evidence proving the existence of H-A Hs: