Wednesday, December 10, 2003


Naps are great. Sometimes I'll take like four in a day just because I can. Sometimes, when I'm napping, I dream about taking more naps. There are times when I'm lying there, napping, and I'm struck with the thought, what are you doing here napping when you could be out doing something, but then, at the mere thought of the absurdity of the question, it exits my mind.

You know what else I like? Of course you do, you're me, the only person who reads this. Well, I'll put it in type just in case you ever forget what I like. I really like lesbians. They are awesome. Granted, only the good-looking lesbians are what I'm really interested in, but lesbians in general are just awesome. They have so much going for them. I mean, the fact that they have the same pieces as the other person they're with, yet they still want to touch/fondle/caress/lick/burn/bite those other person's parts is so respectable. Then, couple that with the fact that they put these things on video for so many of us to see, I mean, they have to be the most giving people in the world. In fact, I'm fairly positive that all lesbians should be put up for Nobel Peace Prizes. As we speak (and remember, when I say 'we' I mean me and me since nobody else reads this) I'm busy writing a letter to the Council That Decides Who Should Win Noble Peace Prizes (you think they'd make that more succinct) about this whole idea.

By the way, if you are reading this (anybody but me, somebody I don't know preferably), send me an email and let me know just how awful all of this is.

Monday, December 01, 2003

Mickey's Severed Head!

Have you ever had to set a mousetrap? I'm not talking about those new-fangled glue traps where the mouse gets stuck on it and tries to gnaw off its own leg. No. I'm talking about the old school mousetraps. The mousetraps that look like medieval torture devices.

They're scary as hell.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a complete and total stud in all aspects of manlihood. But, oh my God if I didn't almost pee my pants trying to set that thing. And I had to do two of them! It's scary because the stupid thing is more sensitive than a fat girl at a dance. I don't even know if that analogy made sense, I just wanted to say 'fat girl at a dance'. Anyway, now I know where the expression comes from about building a better mouse trap because there's no way in my life I'm setting another mouse trap. I'll buy some nightvision goggles and a beebee gun to hunt them down instead of setting another mouse trap.

I also think I was afraid of it because the traps that I got looked all rusted and tuberculosis-inducing. They were in a package and everything, but I think they were recycled or somebody left them out in the rain or something. If that thing slapped shut on my hand (which it tried to do like nine times), I know for sure I would have had to go get a tetnis shot, rabies, AIDS (the new AIDS shot, coming soon), and a pink eye shot. That thing was more disease ridden than (insert skanky girl name from your high school, ex-girlfriend/boyfriend, or Pamela Anderson's name here).

This has been a friendly public service announcement reminding you not to ever set a mouse trap because they're very scary and will probably result in you crying a lot because you're not quite as manly as I am.

Email me here for story ideas, suggestions, or to agree with me on just how frightening mouse traps are.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Hot or not!

When I'm extremely bored sometimes I'll log on to Yahoo! chat and go there to mess around and see why society is crumbling before our very eyes. There are so many hilarious things that go on in a Yahoo! chat room I don't know where to begin. There are so many different types of people. This movie shows the many types of people that you can find in a chat room, plus it's pretty cool. Anyway, the first type of person that stands out is the guy that just comes into a room and cuts and pastes the following "19/m/714 IM me 2 hook up" over and over and over again. Okay, that's no big deal, I ignore that guy, easy. Then, ninety more of those guys show up. By the time I'm done ignoring all of those guys, the room is down to about 10 people. Next, I'd say of the remaining 10 people there are 7 Indian guys who only know the world "hello" and message things like "U are secky girl for me, y?" I like to get these messages for pure comedic value alone. I message them back gibberish just to confuse them, but it never works, they just ask for my picture.

Anyway, where I'm going with all this is here. Sometimes, along with being bored, I turn on my webcam. I turn it on because the response is hilarious. I don't think I'm "hot", in fact, I know I'm not "hot". That's not modesty, it's just the truth. But, on the Internet, for some reason, I become like ten times better looking than I actually am. I have had lots of women message me and literally tell me just how good looking I am. Like I said, I don't think I'm ugly, but by no means do I think I'm hot or even "very good looking". It's just hilarious that, in comparison to the rest of the men exposing more 10-inch penises than I ever thought was humanly possible, I'm hot.

So now, if I'm ever in need of an ego boost, I just log on to Yahoo! chat and turn on my camera and let all the gay men posing as women tell me that they think I'm good looking. Everybody knows no women actually use the Internet.

This one wasn't really that funny, but I wanted to write something, so deal with it. If you don't like it, you can go stare at some of those guy's 10-inchers.

email me suggestions to write about.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Solid. Solid as a rock.

So, like most days, I woke up with an erection today. I find it interesting that this happens so often -but it's also disturbing. I'd understand the erection if I was having a sweet sexy dream about some fine lady, but that wasn't the case last night. Last night I dreamt (like I do a lot, actually) that I had telekinetic powers. I remember me and some dorky guy (yes, guy, subconsciously maybe I'm gay, who knows?) from my a few of my classes were running from people in this hotel. At one point it was dark and we needed light so I was able to make light with my hands. What the hell is wrong with me? I also remember that we were stuck on an elevator so I used my magical powers to open the doors with only the power of my mind. Maybe I'm a subconsciously-gay Harry Potter wannabe. Now that's a story.

Anyway, back to the erection. I always find it odd waking up with an erection just because I'm wondering how long that's been like that. For all I know as soon as I go to sleep, my wiener wakes up. Maybe the lack of brain activity is a signal for all the blood up there to rush to my nether-regions and get to work. I feel so dirty. Maybe I'm pelvic-thrusting the sheets in my sleep -my cat takes a poking in a vacant orifice. Really I'm just wondering what it's doing while I'm asleep. I'm thinking about teaching it how to type so that while I'm asleep it can do my homework. How cool would that be? Sure I'd go through a lot of keyboards and the cleanup would be a pain, but I wouldn't have to worry about carpal-tunnel and MY PENIS WOULD BE TYPING!

Well, that's enough about my magical, subconsciously-gay, telekinetic, typing penis. Drop me a line for ideas or hate-mail.

Monday, October 27, 2003

Wild fires? Or are they misunderstood?

Here in Southern California the tenth circle of Hell has just recently opened up and starting swallowing cities one neighborhood at a time. Of course, every News Channel and non-news channel is covering this (I think the Food Network is running a special on how to cook outdoors or something). As with any news situation, there's only so much to say. Every channel tries to get their own angle on the story -and they all have some stupid name for it. Right now ABC is calling it "Firestorm" which is pretty misleading because it's not raining fire from the sky. Wouldn't that constitute a firestorm? I mean, that would be a whole hell of a lot cooler if that was the case.

Back to my point. This morning on the aptly named Today show (because it's happening TODAY), they had, of all people, Al Roker here in San Bernardino County covering the fires. I don't know what their thinking on all of this was. He's a meteorologist. If a meteor caused the fires, then he's your man, but I don't think that's how it happened. Again, that would be way cooler. So, exercising his vast journalistic ability, Al Roker asked an "Eyewitness" to the fire the following question: "So, what's the fire like?" I don't know what kind of answer he was looking for, but he got the answer that I would have given. "It's really really hot." Well, there you have it folks. Investigative journalism at its pinnacle. Al Roker, a previously chubby weatherman with the hard-hitting questions that you want to ask.

Al Roker will also be covering future "Stormwatch" and "Earthquake-storm-watch" happenings here in Southern California. He'll be asking some of your favorite questions like: "So, the rain, is it as wet as it seems?" and "Now, was the whole area shaking around you during the quake?". Al Roker, the reason weathermen stick to weather.

For things and stuff that I should write about (or for the Al Roker fans, not write about) e-mail me here.

Monday, October 06, 2003

Chew Toy!

In an apparently "really awesome" disappearing act, half of Roy's head managed to vanish out of sight and into the stomach of a 250 pound white tiger the other day.

So, Roy of the "Siegfried and Roy's International Steakhouse" chain of restaurants (and their magic act) has been hospitalized. It turns out that doing "magic" involving massive amounts of rare white tigers is a little on the dangerous side. Roy was mauled by one of the duo's white tiger's while performing on stage. This would have been the only time that I would have wanted to dole out the $100+ to see that show. I mean, imagine being able to watch somebody's who's been "asking for it the whole time" finally getting it. And I don't mean that in a gay way. He's been "getting it" in that department for years. And by department I mean the Men's Department at Macy's. And by Macy's I mean...nevermind.

Apparently Roy is in some sort of condition at the hospital. This condition ranges from good to serious or critical. I'm bad with medical terms. I am sure that being in the hospital is not a good thing, so it's probably one of the other ones. There's also the "Code Cinnamon" that I've heard of, but I think that was just on that gay porn I accidentally watched one time called "St. Ballhair".

I'm sure Siegfried is hanging out bedside with "Nip" and "Tuck" their two favorite white tigers. I just can't wait until the footage of that shows up on the internet. There has to be some sort of footage of Roy getting dragged around by his magical head.

Everytime I come around your city Bling Bling!

Any suggestions of what I should write about or comments in general (like don't write anymore) can be sent to Me here

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

And I Will Call Him Jesus!

I started this "blog" as a way for me to write something that strikes me as funny whenever I feel like it. What I would write would forever be kept in the annals of hell that is the internet; never to be heard from again, like Yahoo Serious. As you may have noticed I put quotation marks around the word "blog". This is my way of creating a faux distance from this tool as if I am somehow above it. I really think I'm much better than everything, including you. I don't mean to think these things, it's just that, well, you don't know the difference between "your" and "you're" and that irritates me. Because this irritates me, it then --in turn-- means that I am better than you because you irritate me and not the other way around.

On a completely different note, I thought of something odd when I started to write this but it wouldn't let me use it as the title, it was too long:
Underwater hyper-active flourescent monkey gymnasts!
We chronicle the adventures of these five glow-in-the-dark primates as they travel the Seven Seas performing their tumbling routines all the while they try to oppress their attention deficit disorder (with hyper-activity at no extra charge!). Meet Zeke, Two-tone, Ray-Ray, Ernest Borgnine, and Mickey Mouse (no relation so I can't get sued. Seriously, that's just his name, you want him to change it? That's messed up).

I haven't worked out all the logistics of this, but it'll be huge. Trust me.

I live in California and right now we've got all that Governor-related business going on. I know you don't care --and by "you" I mean nobody since nobody will read this-- but here's my take on everything. I would love for us to get another Governor! I mean, Gray Davis has had a tough time, he could use the help. Imagine, all the other states have one Governor but California gets two. I guess that means we get one for each letter 'i' in the state's name. It's a good thing Mississippi doesn't employ this rule or they'd have like seven Governors. But Arnold and Gray Davis could beat any other pair of state's Governor's in a no-holds-barred steel-cage match.

On the same note, I swear to all that is holy in this world (i.e. Mary Kate and Ashley Olson and "Blue" from Old School) every time I hear some person in the media refer to Arnold Schwarzenegger as "The Governator" or anything like that, I cut off a finger. The women at the old-folks home are getting mighty low on fingers. Rose and Blanche are already out all ten, Sophia's down only two. You hear that folks at Fox News? You can save what's left of the hands of Estelle Getty if you will just stop trying to come up with clever names for Arnold if he became Governor. I mean, honestly, isn't it already funny enough that he's actually polling well? Do you actually have to try to interject some of your "humor" (see the quotes again? I'm a bastard) to actually add something to this story? It kills me and it's slowly killing the Golden Girls.

As my first entry, I'm rather proud of what I've got going here. It's long and strong and it's down to get the friction on! I don't know how to end this, I need to come up with something clever to sign off with. Here goes!

Keep those pot handles turned in!

If you have any suggestions as to what I should write about --and I mean anything-- send me an e-mail at