Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Sentences Are Funnier with Numbers next to Them!

Lots of people make lists when they're trying to encapsulate a category of humorous items all under the same heading--most famously done by David Letterman with his nightly Top Ten Lists.

I now know why they do these things: It's a way to write some (questionably) funny things without having to put them in any sort of real context. It is with this reason that I, too, will be joining the Society of Listers (SoLs).

Today, I present to you, the list of however many I decide to do of things that a bear would think if he was in a supermarket.

Things That a Bear Would Think If He Was in a Supermarket

  1. When will they stop writing about Brangelina? Enough already! I hate bees.
  2. Hot Pockets 2 for $3? That's a pretty good deal. I love catching salmon in streams.
  3. Should I get the two gallons of milk for $5 or the one gallon for $3.50? Who am I kidding? I won't drink two gallons before they expire. My top run speed is 25 miles per hour.
  4. Does anybody ever buy the sandals that they sell here? I would buy them and eat them because I'm a bear and I don't know any better.
  5. Is this cashier a homo?
  6. That little girl in the shopping cart is a cutie. I'd maul the shit out of her.
  7. Of course, I get stuck with the cart with the screwy wheel. I'll bet I could jump over one of these with a running start because of my powerful hindquarters.
And there it is. I had to end on powerful hindquarters. So, today it was seven. Tomorrow it could be a hundred. That's what's so awesome about being me; I never know what I'm going to do. And, also, the way that I smell.


Anonymous said...

I, too, want to maul the shit out of the little girls sitting in the front of the shopping cart. So i can relate to that one.

Kurt said...

Oh, buttics, you need a dictionary. Maul does not mean fuck.