The State of the Union Is Extreme!

On Tuesday, January 31, the 43rd greatest President of the United States is going to give his State of the Union address. I've been lucky enough to get a hold of an advanced copy of his speech. Needless to say, things are going to be pretty much the same this year as they've always been.

Health Care

He's going to propose a drastic change to the country's Health Care system. This will include allowing every American to see a faith healer with zero out-of-pocket expenses. He's also going to start a system where you can, for a small donation of $5,000, send him a letter (hand-written, no email--we'll get to that later) requesting for him, Jesus's President, to pray for you. And this is only for health-related concerns. You have to purchase a bigger package (available for $10,000 and up) in order for him to make a non-medical-related prayer on your behalf. And, if you donate $100,000 or more, he'll request that all the "good American people" pray on your behalf as well.

He's also going to introduce his new "Cocaine and cereal" diet for the children of America. The following is a direct excerpt from his speech:

"You know, Cap'n Crunch and a little nostril confetti. Hell, that's all I had for four years of college and I was thin as a rail. Besides, my new Drug Czars, Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan, swear by it."

Big Gulps

Again, this is verbatim from his speech.

"Big Gulps are awesome. Have you ever had the Double Gulp? It's twice as much Mountain Dew as a regular Gulp. Effective immediately, the new official drink of the United States and the Winter Olympic Games is the Mountain Dew Code Red Double Gulp. You ever go snowboarding and you wish you had 128 ounces of soda with you in one easy-to-carry, non-spill briefcase? Well, America. You're welcome."

Magic


"I realize this may sound silly, but magic is real, people. I'm not talking David Copperfield. That guy's all show. But have you guys ever heard of this David Blaine fellow? Now that guy is real magic. I don't throw this around lightly, though I did say the same thing about Michael Jordan, the guy who invented doughnuts, and Crocodile Dundee, but he could very well be the new Jesus. No lie. I saw him grab this chicken and pull its head off only to put it back on a few second later and it was fine--like it didn't just have its head ripped off. Now, maybe you're like, 'It was a trick chicken, like the hilarious rubber ones or something.' No. It was a real live chicken. But, if you don't believe that, that's fine. This dude levitated, man. Straight off the ground like six inches. And you could tell that it was real because after he did it he was all tired."

Gay Marriage

"I know it's been a hot-button issue lately, but...What does that even mean? A hot-button issue? That's a weird saying. I'll bet that somebody made that up. Well, I guess all words are made up. In fact, I'm going to make up a new word right now: hat. That's my new word: hat. Wait. That's already a real word. My real new word, and this is the going to be the official word of the United States (and the Winter Olympic Games), is the Lambada. Maybe it's not technically a new word, but it's no longer 'forbidden.'"

"Back to the gays. They're still not getting married. Fuck them." (editor's note: This probably won't make it to broadcast and will probably be changed to something like, "I love gay people, but marriage is between a man and a woman and it will stay that way as long as a 2,000-year-old book makes the laws--and that's forever.")

Computers

"Look, I know that these computers are sweeping the nation, but I'm going to be honest with you: I can't check my email. The guy who works on the White House computers says that mine can't receive email. I don't know why. I just got it for Christmas this year. It was supposed to help me with my spelling. As some of you know, I am not very good in that area. So, Laura got me this little laptop computer. It's red, has a handle on top, and when I punch in the letters on the keyboard, it speaks the letters out, spelling them to me."

Iraq

"Blah blah blah. I can't hear you."