Pat Robertson: God's Middle Finger!

Pat Robertson, Public Relations director for the one and only God (or, as you may know him: Yahweh, Elohim, and Jehovah--"In Latin, Jehovah starts--with an i"), has finally found some blame within himself.

His declaration that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel "Little Mermaid" Sharon's stroke was God's retribution because he had attempted to divide God's land was the latest in a series of vengeful attacks by the man upstairs (Where do you think the term landlord comes from? It's the same place the term gaylord comes from: upstairs).

In a recent visit to McDonald's, however, Robertson finally felt the wrath which, up until this point, he had only reported second-hand. He ordered a number two regular-sized (gluttony is a sin) with a Diet Coke (Jesus invented Nutra-Sweet), and three chocolate-chip cookies. This is when God's fury and vengeance became evident to Robertson.

"I'm sorry. We're all out of chocolate-chip cookies."

He stumbled backward from the counter. He later told reporters that he felt a warm shower of loving hate flow over his body when he heard these words.

"No chocolate-chip cookies. For me! Pat Robertson!"

After an apparent telepathic conversation with Allah (this is what awful people call God), Robertson finally realized what it was that caused this terrible event.

"I drove through an intersection today and a light turned red while I was in it. It's my own fault. I should have seen this coming. Also, I wish slavery was still legal, bathe every morning in fresh kitten blood, and I like to watch Dancing with the Stars."

In the Spring, Pat Robertson will be releasing a reference book of crimes punishable by God's wrath along with their respective punishment in the wildly inappropriately-titled Your Asshole Is Bleeding Because God Hates Faggots.