Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Fishing with People Who Have Played Robots on Film and/or Television: Week 2!

As you may have been able to guess, we had one hell of an opening week here at Fishing with People Who Have Played Robots on Film and/or Television (heretofore to be referred to as Robo-Cod).

Things started off with the spotlight on one extraordinary young man, and the spotlight never left.

D.A.R.Y.L. (the non-aging Data Analyzing Robot Youth Lifeform) had never fished before. In fact, he had spent time near some water once, but it was an uncomfortable situation where old people lived in cocoons at the bottom of a YMCA swimming pool in order to try to live forever. This was his first time near the water since that traumatic event.

He shared a different strategy than his opponents, the lovely (and not technically underage since she's not a human) Vicki from Small Wonder, Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation and the short-lived, but critically-hailed Cooking with Cyborgs show on Bravo, and Optimus Prime from that robot makeover show.

I think he wanted to stand out from the others since he had heard some voices on the opening days of the competition. He couldn't quite pinpoint where they were coming from, but they were all saying the same thing, "Who the fuck is D.A.R.Y.L. and why didn't you guys get Paul Walker out there instead?" Well, first, I had to do some research, but Paul Walker isn't actually a robot though his acting ability may prove otherwise. I performed tests on him and he is not, in fact, an artificial being. So we had to ask D.A.R.Y.L. to appear.

He was determined to prove to those invisible voices just who he was.

He conferred with his mentor, the King of the Fish People, to figure out which strategy would be best.He told young D.A.R.Y.L. that if there's one thing fish hate, it's Mexicans. But, since D.A.R.Y.L. didn't know any Mexicans or what those even were, he would have to pursue plan B. "Well, if you don't know any Mexicans, I guess fish also hate books. They especially hate being read to."

With this in mind, perpetually-young D.A.R.Y.L. set out with a plan. He would bore the fish to their own deaths. He had found a book which seemingly had no conclusion which he thought would be perfect to use. All it would take would be to curl up with the book by the water and just read this "Neverending Story" into the lake until the fish killed themselves and floated to the surface.

Of course, he's simply a gullible robot and didn't realize that the man he was talking to wasn't actually the King of the Fish People, since that's just silly and no such person exists. That man was actually a homeless guy who has had thirty surgeries so far to try to repair the dorsal fin-shaped tumor branching out of his head. He did not set out to deceive young D.A.R.Y.L., for he actually believes what he says, but that is because of the extreme amount of pressure on his brain from the aforementioned giant tumor. He is neither King of the Fish People nor able to walk through walls and turn invisible at will.

Yet D.A.R.Y.L., unaware of this information, tried his plan out. To his credit, he did everything he could.Even when times got rough and it started raining, D.A.R.Y.L. simply shouted out at the heavens, "MEXICANS!" in hopes that this would infuriate the fish and they would erupt from the water ready to do battle.This did not happen. As fish do not hate Mexicans; they hate Jews.

His tiny robot soul was crushed (yes, robots do have souls which are 1/100th the size of human beings--but still infinitely larger than the non-existant souls of retarded people).

Smelling depression and low self-esteem in the air like a shark smelling blood, a nearby pedophiliac dragon swooped down to try to cheer D.A.R.Y.L. up while hoping to satisfy some urges of his own. The two flew off into the sunset never to be seen from again. It's speculated that, when the dragon found out that D.A.R.Y.L. did not have genitals like a normal boy (he actually has an electrical outlet), he was subjected to the anal Habitrail (a complex system of tunnels which, if he made the wrong turn, left him staring at the inside of a dragon's anus) where he would live out the rest of his eternal life.Next week: Down to three contestants, Data, Vicki, and Optimus Prime. Who's the next to go?

6 comments:

eob said...

Drop Vicki! Drop her right into the water and watch her electrically twitch and spark all the way up the shore.

Buttics said...

Optimus Prime! Optimus Prime! Without D.A.R.Y.L. a train is not possible, but with OP gone at least Data can play the Don't Tell Your Parents Game.

Phil said...

I'm glad D.A.R.Y.L. is gone.

I'm fairly certain the next one voted off should have the least amount of personality.

Ry-Ry said...

The scarry thing is, is that all these screenshot images kurt used were in his "masterbation material" folder on is computer!

Love,
Ry-Ry

Carl Click said...

Vicki's next to go. I've never seen a robot who acted so much like a person poorly playing a robot before. That's right, suck on that.

Freakazojd said...

I vote for scrapping the girl-bot too. Down with Vicki.