Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Monster's Ink!

First, let me get this out of the way: I have never eaten a baby that wasn't asking for it. You know how sometimes you'll be wandering around in the bushes outside somebody's house and you hear that baby crying and you just want it to stop? Well, that's what I do. So you're welcome, rest of the neighborhood.

Granted, I'll give it to you that consuming it whole may not be the most effective means of quieting said baby, but that's why some of my friends choose to smother the baby and leave it for the parents to find. This is what is commonly referred to in the scientific and doctorly community as SIDS. Personally, I feel I'm doing a service by just making the baby disappear forever. You can call me a lot of things--I guess I'm sort of a diva, I accept that--but you will never hear anybody say I am not a sensitive man.

It's because of this small habit of mine (which, again, I feel is actually a charitable action) that I cannot find a job. I applied for clerical work at the local library because I love books, but they said they wouldn't hire me because "They knew what I did." I tried to explain to the head librarian that what I was doing was helpful, but she just screamed and complained about how terrifying my face was. Well, you're no Helen Hunt either, sister.

After that, I kind of went on a drinking binge. You know how I am with my cosmopolitans. Time and drinks just fly when I'm curled up on the couch having my late-night Sex and the City marathons. In case you were curious, I'm a Samantha. Surprising, I know, but I took a quiz on the internet that said so.

I did work with my dad for a while, and it was okay I guess, but he's just so busy as Vice President that I don't get to spend any time with him. Filing papers in the White House just to be closer to him didn't really stimulate my mind. Besides, he didn't like me going around telling everybody that I was his son. How could he be ashamed of me? He said he thought it was bad for his reputation. Umm, hello? Earth to Dad. Newsflash: You aren't exactly on Mr. Blackwell's Best Dressed List. Okay?

Anyhoo. Maybe I'm drunk and I shouldn't be taking this full-page ad out in the New York Times, but to Hell with it. I'm sick and tired of people discriminating against me for who I am: a gay man. That's why you all won't hire me. Well, I'm going to get me a lawyer and the ACLU and I'll sew (sic) all of you (and maybe I'll eat some of your babies just to further the stereotype). "Oh, look at that faggot. He's eating another baby." I can hear it already.

No more, America! No more. Fight the power.


The Boogeyman

Edit: Whether you liked the content of this post or not, you have to admit that the title of it is H-E-double home run!

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