Vice President in Peril!

Dateline - Peril, Virginia

Dick "Don't Call Me Dick" Cheney was admitted to the hospital earlier today for shortness of breath. He told doctors that he just wasn't sucking the souls from the soft spots in baby's heads with the same speed that he normally does.

Apparently he's been on some medication because of a sore foot that he's been nursing for a while. You know how you do something every day, but one day you do it and something just goes wrong and you get hurt? That's how Vice President Cheney injured himself. He was hanging around outside the abortion clinic (because it was Monday!) doing the usual: saying, "You want an abortion? I'll give you an abortion!" and kicking women in the stomach. White House aids told him not to toe punch the stomach because then he would have no control over where the fetus flew, but he insisted and, finally, injured himself.

It is harder to injure a cloven hoof in that manner since they're made for crushing fetus brain, but he managed to do it.

Short and sweet today, just like a midget made out of candy (or, as our Mexican friends call them, piñatas).