Thursday, January 12, 2006

Formerly a MySpace Exclusive!

I have previously lambasted (oh, I said it, lambasted) quizzes on myspace and with good reason: most of the time, people answer the questions as some form of intellectual masturbation. Man, that last sentence has some good syllable to word ratio.

Well, I have come to realize the fun that can be had with these when one answers them from the point of view of a smarmy jackass (me!).

Thanks to Katy for the quiz.

1. How tall are you barefoot?
25 apples high

2. Have you ever smoked weed?
Is weed like salmon? If so, no.

3. Do you own a gun?
I've got one in my pants (look for this answer again later on!)

4. Rehab?
Incomplete sentence?

5. Would you ever "do" someone in their parents bed?
I don't know where the "parents bed" is, but if it's a euphemism for butthole, then you kids have gone too far with your slang.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
I think they're nice when they haven't been drinking.

7. What's your favorite Christmas song?
I like the one about the alcoholic farmer who eats bees for breakfast.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
First thing in the morning I drink in knowledge and urinate justice.

9. Do you do push-ups?
I don't know what those are, but I do something called push-ins where I run around the mall and push in all the belly buttons of those fucking freaks with the outies.

10. Have you ever done ecstasy?
Ecstasy being farting in a cup that you know your girlfriend's going to drink out of? Oh hell yeah.

11. Are you vegan
I am Irish and Italian. I think my mom said I'm, like 1/16 vegan. But everybody says they are.

12. Do you like painkillers?
Do you like pain, motherfucker? Ask me that question again.

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
An old school bear trap.

14. Do you own a knife?
Not since the day I had to say goodbye to my pinky. Pinky was the name of my cat that I murdered.

15. Do you have A.D.D.?
Let's ride bikes! Sorry, I stole that joke from somewhere.

16. Do you love the pain a tattoo brings?
I love the pain that Tattoo brought on Fantasy Island. That motherfucker didn't take shit from anybody. I saw him kneecap Ricardo Montalban for calling him "Kid." "The pain! The pain!" See what I did there?

17. Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
1. I'm writing number 1
2. I'm writing number 2
3. I'm writing number 3

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought:
Gerbils (don't ask)
A roadside flashlight (don't ask)
A buttplug

19. Name five drinks you regularly drink:
I already mentioned knowledge
I drink bottled puppy tears (from Peru)
Molten lava
Sweat from the brow of exhausted boys who have been pulling my weeds all day
And, if this didn't say "regularly drink," I'd say milk, but I don't drink that regularly at all. I think I drink it kind of irregularly. I filter it through a pair of panties I bought on the internet that were worn by Star Jones.

20. What time did you wake up today?
Ten minutes before you did so I could make my quiet escape.

21. Current hair?

22. Current worry?
There are 250 of these fucking questions.

23. Current hate?
See 22

24. Favorite place to be?
On the moon sipping martinis with Kerri Strug.

25. Least favorite place to be?
In the middle of an assfucking sandwich.

26. Where would you like to go?
To the center of the earth where Jews count all their money.

27. What do you wear to sleep?
A stomach coated in a thin layer of my own semen--and tube socks.

28. What do you think you'll be doing in 10 years?
Somebody's parents bed. Did I use it right?

29. Do you burn or tan?
Raw umber.

30. Last thing you ate?
An assfucking sandwich.

31. Would you be a pirate?
Yarr, I be a pirate. Who you be?

32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
I guess the last time I force-fed my Uncle a beer as he screamed, "But I've been sober for twelve years!" was the last time I had an alcoholic drink.

33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
My own hit single, "It's Normal to Bathe with Your Brother Even Though You're Both In Your Twenties."

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
A lisping pterodactyl with daddy issues, but who swore that he was straight. "Dude, I totally fucked a T-Rex once. She was so hot."

35. What's in your pockets right now?
Some ear.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Some earless child screaming.

37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
Newspaper and a dream.

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
The time I tried to convince my brother I was having a baby so I managed to fit an entire Barbie Doll head in my urethra. It was a good joke, but now, when I pee, it's like somebody just opened their mouth wide open when it was filled with water; it all just sort of falls out.

39. What are your dreams like?
They're all widescreen, in Korean, and I have never had one that didn't end with me flying away on a Pegasus.

40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
I'll do you one better: How many houses do I have in my TV? The answer to that is zero because that is a stupid question.

41. Who is your loudest friend?
See 36.

42. Who is your most silent friend?
The one beneath the floorboards. I can only hear the pitter patter of his heart.

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
Someone will once I send them the 3000-page declaration of my love I've been preparing.

44. Do you wish on stars?
I prefer to wish on eyelashes, yellow lights, and wishbones. Stars are for fucking morons.

45. What is your favorite book?
There was this book I read one time about this elderly woman who was a rodeo clown, but she also worked part time at a cotton candy factory where she had to stand in a giant vat of sugar and run around until it all became cotton candy. At the end of the book she dies of diabetes and her body is cremated and half of her ashes are spread in the cotton candy mix and the other half are sprinkled on the floor of the bull riding colliseum.

46. What is your favorite candy?
Those yummy cakes they put in urinals.

47. What song do you want played at your wedding?
C is for Cookie. That's so the wife feels comfortable with having something familiar. Either that or something by Elmo.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Since I have become the Highlander, this is something I needn't concern myself with.

49. What were you doing 12AM last night?
I think question four of this survey.

50. Do u still talk to the person who "took" your virginity from you?
You should have been my lawyer instead. You're right, it was her fault. You should have seen what she was wearing.

51. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Whose blood is that?

52. How much cash do you have on you?:
In Zaire, pubic lice is considered a form of currency. Therefore, I am a very rich man.

53. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST":
QUIZ! Is rhyming like synonyms?

54. Favorite planet?
Planet Hollywood. That's where all important people come from.

55. Who is the 4th person on your recent call list on your cell phone?
Lou Diamond Phillips

56. What is your favorite ring on your phone?

57. What shirt are you wearing?:
A unitard.

58. Do you label yourself?
I label myself as a box of cereal and try to pass myself off at the supermarket. I sometimes get weird looks when I say to them, "I'm delicious. You should try me. Try my box!"

59. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing:
What brand are flippers?

60. Bright or Dark Room?
Room room.

61. What do you think about the person who took this survey?
I took this survey. Therefore, I think the person who took this survey is a raconteur, a regular man-about-town.

62. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
Boner boner boner boner police boner boner boner boner. It was from myself reminding me what I had to do tomorrow.

63. Where is your nearest 7-11?
Math, huh? I don't trust you.

64. What is something you say often?
That's not my semen.

65.Who told you they loved you last?
My mom when I told her to list the order that she was going to do everything in her life. She told me that after she skydives into the mouth of a killer whale and learns to harness the power of time travel that then, finally, she would try to get around to loving me last.

66. Last furry thing you touched?
Well, I recently went on the gameshow "Braid That Taint!"

67. How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past three Days?
I refuse to answer on the grounds that your inconsistent capitalization is messing with my brain, man.

68. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
Rolls of film? You're a time traveller aren't you? My mom would be interested in knowing your secrets.

69. Favorite age you have been so far?
0 was pretty good. I was all little and shit.

70. Your worst enemy?
My doppleganger that I ran into at a Rest Stop on the way to Las Vegas. He tried to attack me, but I stapped him with the Dagger of Zerhi before he could and he shattered into a million pieces.

71. What is your current desktop picture?
It's a picture of me fucking your mother. How about stopping with the personal questions, dickhead?

72. What was the last thing you said to someone?
It's a picture of me fucking your mother. How about stopping with the personal questions, dickhead? (and I meant every word of it)

73. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you choose?
I would learn to fly and then I'd grab a baby and fly high into the air and threaten to drop it if somebody didn't pay me a million dollars.

74. Do you like someone?
See 43.

75. The last song you listened to?
I consider the cries of children to be songs, so I guess that would have to be my answer.

76.Have you ever kissed your best friend?
No. I've tried, but I can't quite reach. It hurts my back.

77. Would you ever have an affair with a married man/woman?
A man/woman? A hermaphrodite that's married? Probably just to say that I've done it.

78. Would you ever pose for Playboy/Playgirl?

79. Have you ever used a gun?
I've got one in my pants (told you I'd be back!). But, no, I've never used it.

80. Who was the last person you made out with?
If photographs count, I'd have to say my grandmother.

81. Have you ever been arrested?
I was once arrested for public awesomeness. I didn't know it was a punishable crime either.

82. Do you believe in the death penalty?
Do I believe in it? I know that it happens. It is a fact that it takes place so, therefore, I believe in it. If you're asking me if I agree with it, you phrased it wrong and you're a fucking idiot.

83. Do you believe in marriage?
See 82.

84. Have you ever taken back a person who has cheated on you?
You're silly. Necrophilia is disgusting.

85. Have you ever been in a fist fight?
I've been in a tickle fight that escalated to a hug brawl.

86. Have you ever been involved in a crime?
If stealing the hearts of ladies is a crime...then, no.

87. Have you ever taken an anti-depressant?
Once when I was crushed by a giant falling piano I had to or else I would have stayed that way. PUNS!

88. Have you ever come close to dying?
I came close to tie-dying once. I had a white t-shirt and a bucket of colorful chemicals, but I just couldn't bring myself to it.

89. Have you ever experimented w/ S&M?
I don't understand your crazy hieroglyphics.

90. Do you believe in God?
I believe in dragons.

91. Do you believe in Heaven and Hell?
I believe in leprechauns.

92. Have you ever seen a ghost?
If anybody at all ever answers yes to this question, please report them to me and I'll promptly dismiss them from existence because they don't deserve to live anymore. Of COURSE I've seen a ghost!

93. Have you ever played w/ a Ouja board?
Have you ever found the 'i' key on your keyboard?

94. Would you ever be on The Real World if you had the chance?
The only reality show I would ever be on would be America's Next Top Model. Okay, girlfriend?

95. Do you have any reoccurring nightmares?
That I'm only on number 95 of this fucking survey.

96. Whos bed did you sleep in last night?
See 20.

97. How many people on your list do you know in real life?
List? I have lots of lists with names on them. Most are the victims and survivors lists and those are a secret.

98. What is the most recent movie that youve watched?
I only watch Queen Latifah movies, so it was probably the hilarious Taxi!

99. Name three things that you have on you at all times.
Urine, shit, blood.

100. How did your last relationship end?
See 99.

101. Who got you to join myspace?
The robot that lives inside my dog.

102. How long have you been at your current job?
Since I started.

103. Is Tom on your friends list?
Again, it's a secret.

104. Look to your left. What's there?
Shrine to the Hasselhoff.

105. What is the last thing you spent over $100 on?
See 99.

106. What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone?
I borrowed 4 dozen legwarmers from Belinda Carlisle.

107. What website(s) do you visit the most during the day?, and

108. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
The tears sort of do.

109. Do you own a picture phone?
A picture phone? Do you own a painting television? You're weird.

110. Is your room clean?
Is your...face...clean? It's getting late.

111. Laptop or Desktop computer?

112. Favorite comedian?
Jokes are for homos.

113. Do long distance relationships work?
No. They're like Mexicans!

114. How many times have you been pulled over by the police?
It's a cardigan, but thanks for asking.

115. Pancakes or French Toast?
A bowl of salsa covered in chocolate whipped cream.

116. Pick a lyric.
See 33.

117. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
Whatever makes that ass shake!

118. Can you play pool?
I don't "play" anything. I dominate.

119. Do you know how to swim?
Faster than my friend, Sharkbite Darryl.

120. Do you like maps?
I am a world-renowned cartographer and explorer. Fuck maps.

121. Ever play spin the bottle?
See 118.

122. Ever attend a theme party?
Ever ashmend a sheme shmarty? Getting so late.

123. Favorite quote?
The haircut apple underwater jump make-up Luigi forever.

124. Best thing about winter?

125. Do you think pirates are cool or overrated?
See 31.

126. What are you doing this weekend?
Church! All day. All night.

127. If you could own your own state which one would it be?
I'm going to pretend you misspelled slave. If that's the case, I would own Kunta Kinte because I likes me some sass.

128. Describe yourself in ONE word:
Describe a rainbow in one word. You can't.

129. What would your walls say about you?
I think they'd be too busy saying things like, "Holy shit. I'm a wall and I can talk" to talk about me. It's called the Pinocchio Syndrome. Look into it.

130. When was the last time you went to a party?
I'm having a fucking parade when this survey is over.

131. If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name be?
Well, people would refer to me as "That poor girl who tries to pee standing up."

132. All time favorite swear word:

133. Favorite Cartoon:
The Used-Up Battery Detectives

134. Whos your favorite superhero?
The 9-Volt Avenger!

135. Danced in Public ?
That's not a Question ?

136. Are you a good liar?
I love taking this survey!

137. If stripping were the only way to get money, would you do it?
It's not and I do it now. But I'm also a pretentious non-conformist. So I guess not.

138. What age do people get really boring?
Whatever age I turned on question 138.

139. Who really let the dogs out?
I didn't think it was possible, but this question makes me hate this survey even more.

140. Seen anything weird lately?
What kind of a question is this one? So, how you doing? Your parents okay? Fucking retarded.

141. How often do you think about sex in a given 24 hour day?
You're giving me a 24-hour day? That's good, because I've been getting gypped lately with only 23-hour days. Redundant redundancy is redundant.

142 Whats your favorite play/musical?
The song and dance that this Bush Administration is doing. Am I right, people? Right? Thanks for the applause.

143. Name something you'd never wear.

144. You have $10 and need to buy snacks at a gas station.
You have a magic hat and your name is Theodore. It's fun to state random sentences.

145. If you had to be reincarnated as some sort of sea dwelling creature, what would you be?

146. Who's your favorite redhead?
You're just fishing for compliments.

147. Do you own any... naughty toys?
Now you're being coy with the ellipses? Who the hell are you fooling? You asked me if I'd "do" somebody in their parents bedroom.

148. Have you made out with anyone on your friend's list?
Even if you left "on your friends list" off, the answer would still be no. This forked tongue is a curse! I knew I should never have traded my fiddle made of gold for it.

149. Are there any odd things that make you feel comfortable?
Tomato, tomahto.

150. Tell me a weird story from your high school years:
I went to high school. The end.

151. What is the wallpaper on your cell phone?
What is the macrame on your burrito band-aid?

152. Soda?

153. Flavor of pudding?
See 152

157. How many people are on your friends list?

158. What are you listening to right now?
Just that heart beating.

159. Would you rather give or receive a foot massage?
Well, the only person around is Sharkbite Darryl, so I guess receive.

160. Name a teacher you had the hots for.
Bill Nye.

161.Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with?
Using your "Ouja" board.

162. What would you do with 1,000 plastic spoons?
I'd find Alanis Morissette and tell her that I'm a tenth of the way to writing a hit song.

163. What kind of music did you listen to in elementary (primary)
Some Skinhead Metal groups. It was my parents' music.

164. What is the best thing about your job?
No left-handers.

165. Where are you going on your next vacation?
Tickletown, USA.

166. Do you own any furniture from Ikea?
My house has been constructed entirely of Swedish boys. Does that count?

167. Tell us about the last conversation/s you had?
Tell me about the last time I didn't hate you. That's right, you can't.

168. Where do you see yourself in one month?
In the mirror. The same place I always see myself.

169. What is your favorite smell?

170. Have you ever gone to therapy?
After question 256 will be my first time.

171. Have you ever been to a nude beach?
Any beach I go to instantly becomes one.

172. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat for a month straight?
You know I'm sensitive about the fact that I can't wear a hat because I'm half triceratops.

173. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in 1 day?
65 miles per hour. I just assume with all the numbers that this is one of those questions about the two trains leaving different stations.

174. Have you ever seen your best friend naked?
See 76.

175. Pirate or ninja?
Left or right? Up or down? Shovel or not shovel?

176. Look around the room you're in. What would be the most effective weapon?
This fucking survey.

177. There's a stain on your clothing, what is it from?
I'm not falling for this one. And your shoelace is untied, motherfucker.

178. What's the most terrible song you've got on your computer?
I only have one song, and I have 1000 different versions of it. So I guess I'd have to say the all kazoo version of the Knight Rider theme.

179. What is your favorite thing that you wont admit to anyone?
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...

180. What's the last thing you broke on purpose?
Some random hymen?

181. Do you collect anything unconventional?

182. Oh my God, what's that thing behind you?
His name is Sharkbite Darryl, you insensitive bastard.

183. You looked, didn't you?
I hate you.

184. What word always makes you laugh, regardless of context?

185. Whose face makes you laugh?
Ole Googlyeyes McGee.

186. Do you prefer the smell of paper or plastic?
Brand new He-Man.

187. What is the most attractive letter?
I hate to admit it, but I'd fuck the shit out of a capital Q.

188. Choose 5 things that you think should be illegal.
1. Hella
2. Lamps
3. Taco Tuesdays
4. Number 4
5. Shoes

189. Which of your scars is your favorite?
My emotional ones.

190. What does the 5th text on your phone say?
Cell phones are now obsolete here by question 190.

191. When was the last time you thought about sex?
When was the last time I hit the spacebar with my erect penis?

192. Do you date more than one person at once?
Only one "person" at a time, but I try to work in as many different phyla as possible. PHYLA, bitches! You like that.

193. What do you want for your b-day?
For somebody who writes a 256-question survey to actually take the time to spell out the word "birthday."

194. What is the first thing you do when you get home from work?
Wash off the blood.

195. Is there one particular person at work who you dont like?
If I worked with you, it would definitely be you.

196. Would you vote for a woman candidate for president?
We all know that a woman could never be President. You can't spell President without P-E-N-I-S.

197. Would you marry for money?
I'd marry for a Hot Pocket. I can't wait to get married! It sounds so magical!

198. When was the last time you had a hickey?
Two days ago the exact scene in Stand By Me with the leeches happened to me. So I guess that was it.

199. Are you bored?
You're fucking taunting me.

200. Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?
I bake two cakes and wear those around the house.

201. Why do you take surveys?
Because I wanted to prove that I could make "funny" answers to the questions, but holy lord, you win.

202. Did you like or do you like high school?
I'll defer this answer to my lawyer. "Do you like--go fuck yourself."

203. Are you tolerant of other people's beliefs?
Only if they believe exactly what I believe. Otherwise, they're complete morons.

204. Do you like abstract art?
I shit on a trucker hat, buried it for three weeks, dug it up, put it in a blender, sprayed it on the inside of a pizza box, and masturbated all over it. The only reason I didn't go to prison was because it was considered "abstract art." So, yeah.

205. Do you think you can draw well?
Wells are easy. It's like a soda can with a hole in the top.

206. Do you listen to music daily?
None of your business.

207. What shampoo do you use?

208. Game in Ps, Ps2, x-box, etc. ?
I only recognize two of those words.

209. Do you have any piercings?
I pierced my labia with an old coat hanger. Sure, my pants fit weird, but I never have wrinkled shirts.

210. Have you ever had a head injury?
Have you read this survey?

211. How many virgins have u slept with?
72 once I finally accomplish my mission for Allah.

212. What stickers do you have on your car, if any?
"If you can read this, you've discovered the Bat Cave."

213. What's your Mom's favorite band/musician?
See whatever fucking question it was where I answered Skinhead metal.

214. What's your Dad's favorite band/musician?
See 213. And Busta Rhymes.

215. What was your elementary school's mascot?
The Fighting T-Cells.

216. What's your favorite bottled water?
Wet shit. Not literally "wet shit," but water that's wet. I don't drink shit. I smear it on my nipples. Drinking it is gross.

217. What's the next concert/show you're going to and when?
Whenever they finally turn the House of Wax movie remake into a musical showcase.

218. I swear the two things i hate most are..
surveys and two-part questions.

219. The first rated R movie i ever saw was..
I don't watch R-rated movies because I'm not a heathen.

220. Two things I love are...
Frankincense and Myrrh. Call me old-fashioned.

221. I would love to retire in...
a throne made of Hostess cupcakes.

222. Do you have a website?
Do you? Because I want to hunt you down and murder you with a skateboard to the throat.

223. Is it safe to say your addicted to myspace?
No, because that's the wrong "your" and you know what that does to me. I'm already riled up, bitch.

224. If you could be at any concert right now, who and why?
See 217

225.Which do you prefer a dog or a cat?
They're both pretty delicious.

226. Have you seen the Movie Drop Dead Fred?
I like Phoebe Cates better when she's showing me her boobies.

227. My drug of choice is...
ground-up dolphin brain directly injected into my cerebral cortex.

228. My longest relationship lasted.
Up until the point when she read this survey.

229. If you want children one day, what would you want to name the first?
"Not mine."

230. On my wall you can find a poster of?
A poster of the American flag with the slogan "These colors don't run." Oh hell yeah!

231. Spent more than $500 on a bf/gf's gift or a night out?
If a tranny prostitute can be considered a night out.

232. Actually met someone from myspace that you didn't know before?
Met means that they would have to know it also and they couldn't be asleep, right?

233. Have you/would you watch either the entire Star Wars or Lord of the Rings trilogy in one sitting?
I watched the entire run of Saved by the Bell in one sitting because I had to see if Zack and Kelly ended up together. Survey says? They did!

234. Have you seen Rocky Horror Picture Show in its entirety?
See 231.

235. Do you go to church?
Do I go to church? I never leave! It's the power of the Lord and I let His light shine through me!

236. If you're going to the movies, do you get there in enough time to see the trailers?
If you're going to the movies, could you buy me some SweeTarts?

237. Annoying name your parents call you?

238. Would you rather have a beach house or a cabin in the woods?
Shack made from used Aqua Net Hairspray bottles in downtown Los Angeles.

239. At any point in your life known all the words to an Ace of Base song?
Change song to album and I'm still answering yes.

240. Do you end up making a fool of yourself when you try flirting with someone you really like?
I don't flirt. I count on my pheromones to do the walking for me. Needless to say, I've fucked 90 butterflies.

241. What's the longest you've gone without showering?
The 9 days it's been since question 1.

242. Pool or Darts?
The great hamburger toss of 1883.

243. Who's the last person who yelled at you and why?
Jesus for being a sinner.

244. Name three things that you would see if you opened your refrigerator right now.
"I got the milk, the eggs, and the fabric softener."

245. What will be the next thing you spend money on?
A hitman to kneecap Katy for bringing this survey into my life.

246. Who is the last person you saw from MySpace?
I can't even remember the last human being I saw.

247. What is your favorite vegetable?
Terry Schiavo

248. When was the last time that you got your car's oil changed?
Luckily for me, my car is powered by Hershey's Syrup.

249. What brand stapler is on your desk?
I use a hot glue gun to keep papers together. Black & Decker.

250. Can you fix the stuff that breaks at your house?
I don't think I'll be able to fix the damage I'm about to do to my keyboard. Also, you can't really "fix" a broken hymen. Hey-o!

251. What other programs do you have running right now?
Something called "She_puts_a_microphone_where?.avi"

252. When was the last time that you bought flowers for someone?
Some time before the great meteor hit around question 192. You know, before flowers became extinct.

253. What percentage of your paycheck do you save?
I can see the fucking finish line. Is it just me or have the questions actually gotten worse?

254. Do you buy tabloids?
Nope. It's not just me.

255. Are you cheesy?
The medication cleared it up.

256. Of all the bands/artists in your cd/record collection, which one do you own the most albums by?
You end on this? I already told you, it's all different versions of the Knight Rider theme.

Katy, at the beginning of this post, I thanked you for the survey. I have to take that back and warn you that there will be a tiny man (who you may know as television's Gary Coleman) coming to your house to punch you repeatedly in the kneecaps.

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