2008 Summer Movie Preview!

Summer has become the time for blockbuster high-concept movies that inspire high ticket sales and low expectations. A reader recently granted me access to their time machine which has let me travel anywhere in time and I chose two years in the future to see what movies will be coming in 2008 to the local Nickelodeon ("Movie theaters" as you now know them will once again be referred to by the monicker "Nickelodeon" when old-timey lingo is adopted thanks to an onslaught of Vaudeville-style rap artists led by Kanye West with his song, "That gent's a snake oil salesman I tells ya. A real quack." Also, men's full-body bathing suits will be all the rage because the base temperature on the planet will be in the low 200s.).

Stevebiscuit
This touching tale of overcoming the odds dominates the 2008 box office and the subsequent Academy Awards ceremony. A small midwestern town gathers around one of its residents as he strives to obtain his dream of winning the Kentucky Derby. Oh yeah, he's a centaur. Flying in the face of bigots, or racists, or whoever it is that doesn't like centaurs, Stevebiscuit's heartwarming journey toward fulfilling his father's dreams has many hurdles, but only one finish line.

Half Man, Half Horse, All Heart -- Summer 2008

Frozen Food Section
This is a rom-com (romantic-comedy for those of you who have never done a line of coke out of your assistant's anus) about a man who falls for a woman he meets in a supermarket only there's one catch: They're both zombies. They were both eating opposite ends of a recently decapitated box boy when their eyes met. The man will be played by WWE superstar The Rock and the woman will be the already-deceased-looking Brittany Murphy. The comedic foil will be played by the newly-obese Elijah Wood.

This Summer Hell is Freezing Over and It Brought Dates! (editor's note: In 2008, this somehow makes sense)

Glass-Bottom Death
This PG-13 horror movie finds a group of teenagers on their senior trip in Italy when one of their friends goes missing while taking a gondola ride. A tourist-murdering gondolier is on the loose with a thirst for blood. That guy who played Fred Savage's brother's friend in Boy Meets World and that girl who plays Lana on Smallville do their best to battle the oar-wielding madman.

Gondola is Italian for Murder