Sunday, July 23, 2006

And Then I Was Like And Now the News!

It's a varitable hotbed of newsianic activity as of late. Therefore, I feel obligated to address these circumstances by utilizing the humerous anecdotes or providing commentary which comes to mind upon reviewing said stories.

Then I make shit jokes.

After searching the far reaches of the galaxy, a new Miss Universe has been crowned--and she's from our very own planet! What are the odds? Miss Puerto Rico is the lucky recipient. Her first act as ruler over all of existence is to change her title so her relatives can pronounce it. She will now be known as Miss Juni-Berse.

In local news, relatively speaking, Bon Jovi got a couple of teenagers killed in New Jersey. I have no doubt that the lightning bolt that killed them was intended for the Jersey native. I mean, Zeus or Thor or somebody has to be pissed just that Bon Jovi exists at all and decided to throw an errant bolt at the state in hopes of striking him down. From having written my college thesis on the acts of Gods of various mythologies and how they affect our everyday lives I know that this kind of thing goes on on a daily basis. I also happen to know that Quetzalcoatl is a huge Springsteen fan and likely deflected the bolt from its original trajectory just to be safe.

Seriously, though, I'd love to be struck by lightning. Not anything fatal, mind you, but that's a goddamn story to tell. "Hey, Kurt, did I ever tell you about the time I met Casey Kasem at an IHOP in Newport Beach?" "Oh, really? Did I ever tell you about the time I got struck by lightning, bitch?" It wins every storytelling contest (I happened to take 3rd in the Ohio State storytelling and frog jumping contest with the tale of the retarded guy who smeared bloody tampons all over himself when I was in high school).

And, finally, some of you may have heard that Haley Joel Osment was in a car crash this past week. They say he's in the hospital now recovering. I'm sure it's just a coincidence that this happened the weekend Ron Howard's Daughter in the Holiday Inn Kiddie Pool was released by M. Night Shyamalan. Well, *Spoiler Alert*, he didn't actually survive the accident!

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