Thursday, July 06, 2006

Oh, MySpace Surveys, You Irresistible Whores!

When I can't think of anything to write, it's nice to know that one of my friends on MySpace will post some survey that I really won't read, but, instead I'll use as fodder to make jokes about poop.

So, thanks, Katy. And this time it's a lot shorter than that Hellish one I took from you before.

1. Whats the story behind your middle name?
My middle name is the same as my first, "Kurt." It's so when my Mom was mad at me and wanted to yell at me, it would always sound like she announcing a baseball game in the 30s.

2. What is one of the worst things to ever happen to music?
That time when Music's uncle, A Capella, touched her where the Treble Cleft covers over Spring Break.

3. What is your daily hair-care routine?
Scrape out the random, crusted jizz with a fine-tooth comb and into a jar marked #17 (which is almost full). Then I look in the mirror about to fix it and, like Fonzie, realize it's perfect, say, "Ayyy," and just walk out.

4. Whats the weirdest thing you've ever eaten?
Jar #16

5. Who was your favorite Star Wars character?
Steve the Jedi.

6. Do you read your financial statements?
My finances are not composed of statements, they are questions. And, no, I do not read them because they are rhetorical.

7. What shopping temptation are you physically unable to resist?
Physically unable to resist? I guess the temptation I get when I'm shopping and I'm raped by a man larger than me. Oh, that temptation always gets the better of me.

8. If you were the opposite sex, who would you want to be?
Whoever the lucky lady is at the time that's boning me. So, probably you.

9. Best Disneyland ride?
The one where that guy takes you into a dark room and you keep pulling the warm lever until hot liquid candy comes out. It's by the Teacups.

10. What is your favorite curse word?
Shnarch. It's actually so filthy it's beyond the comprehension level of all humans except for myself and Larry the Cable Guy. Great minds...I don't know how that ends.

11. What would happen if you used it around your mother?
Her face would explode and that candy I've been trying to get that's inside her skull would finally be mine.

12. Do you have any hobbies you hide from your mother?
My penchant for driving around late at night and throwing baby kangaroos at people. "Heads up, joey comin' atcha" is a not uncommon phrase to be heard echoing in the hallowed halls of my Toyota Tacoma.

13. Underwear or commando?
Both. You see, I wear what I like to call the underwear mullet. It's business in the front (a tiny suit and tie that covers my junk) and party in the back (a tiny, battery-powered neon sign hanging above my butthole that reads, "The Money Pit").

14. Whats the most you've ever paid for a haircut?
I cut my own hair with a gun made of knives.

15. Do you have any superstitions?
I can't answer this question; it's unlucky.

16. Favorite kind of cheese?
Bat cheese.

17. On JEOPARDY, which category would you ace?
Inappropriate uses of the Caps Lock key for $400, Alex.

18. How do you know when its time to break up with someone?
When the body starts to smell.

19. What would you like to have written on your gravestone?
Pepperoni. You asked the question wrong.

20. What was the most memorable phone call of your life?
The time I called my friend and pretended I was somebody from the hospital telling him that his mom was dying. It was hilarious.

21. Whats the best way to drink a soda?
Definitely not out of jar #16.

22. Describe yourself?
I'm a varitable treasure trove of insincerity, sarcasm and deep-seeded hatred for all humans wrapped up in the body of a Greek Goddess (I've been told Hera).

23. Whos a hotter piece: Lassie or Snoopie?
Is "Snoopie" Snoopy's meth-addicted cousin? If so, had her. I still can't get out of my mind what she did with Wouldstalk.

24. If you could intrude in any celebrities dressing room, whose would it be?
Stephen Hawking

25. Whats your favorite legal drug?
The smell of 8-year-old boys.

26. What song brings you to tears?
Anything by that touching singer-songwriter Paris Hilton.

27. How would you characterize your taste in sex?
Insatiable, illegal, scatalogical, romantic.

28. Pinkie rings on men: yes or no?
I don't like you limiting me to simply yes or no. What is this, a lie detector test? I'd like to give a qualified answer. I'll say yes, but only if it's on a pirate.

29. How do you feel about pornography?
Judging by my answers, you can probably guess how I feel about it. It's disgusting.

30. Soccer players or baseball players?
Am I on question 30 and just now realizing that this survey is for girls or lesbians (who are also women in case you didn't know that).

31. Should people take you seriously?
Only when I say, "But seriously, folks," as I transition between my white-hot laugh-making material.

32. How did you do in art class as a kid?
I have a booger story about art class that you wouldn't believe. So, let's just say I got a B+. Get it? The B is for Booger and the + is for positive like my HIV status.

33. Are you scared of balding?
It's more scared of me than I am of it. I learned that from my Mom when she convinced me to let that monkey rub its bloody penis all over my eyeballs in the mid 1970s. That's how you get the end of question 32.

34. What is fairly drunk for you?
I say it's always fair when they're drunk. Date rape joke! I'm high class, ladies.

35. How do you avoid getting walloped?
I stopped hanging around with people from the 1920s when "walloping" was something that people besides Batman actually did.

36. What would your rap name be?
DJ Beardbeard

37. What phrase do you never want to hear again?
It's so [blank] it's not even funny. I want to drown people in a sea of cholic baby tears when I hear that expression.

38. Have you ever had an Americas Funniest Home Videos moment?
You mean like when I'm doing something and Bob Saget is doing commentary? Oddly enough, every shit I take is accompanied by a Bob Saget running commentary.

39. How many drinks does it take you to sing Like A Virgin?
Drinks? That's my ringtone, motherfucker!

40. How much ice is too much ice?
Existential, huh? How about, "Perhaps there is no such thing as too much ice, but, instead, too little beverage?"

41. Worst place you've ever been sick?
The time I vomited inside a hooker's vagina.

42. Name a time where you'd strip in front of people?
"Name a time where..." That doesn't even make sense. I guess I could name a place where, or a time when, but I can't name a time where. Unless you're thinking all four-dimensional and shit. If that's the case, you blew my fucking mind, man.

43. Who was your worst boyfriend/girlfriend?
Worst boyfriend, Kelsey Grammer. Worst girlfriend, Jessica Alba. (All she wanted was sex. Okay, I get it. But there's more to me than just this rockin' body.)

44. Whats your most materialistic trait?
I'm made of gold.

45. Would you ever star in a Disney Channel show?
I've made too many pedophilic jokes already. So let's just say Hell yeah.

46. Whats the secret to living cheap?
Personal hygiene is for movie stars.

47. Whats something in the next month you're looking forward to?
Things in front of me.

48. What does your name mean?
The German's named me San Diego. It means a whale's vagina.

49. If you could date someone from a different country, which would it be?
Is Elementary School a country?

50. Is it because of their accents?
The way some of them can't say their 'R's is adorable.

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