Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The Best Medicine!

As you know, it's often said that laughter is the best medicine, but used incorrectly, this can lead to pain, suffering, or even death. That is why I have compiled a list of medical problems with their appropriate solution so that, next time you're sick, you know the best way to treat your ills.

Gout - Apply liberally a creme created from the liquified laughter of the inventor of gout, Benjamin Franklin, to the troubled area. "But he's dead. Does that mean my gout goes untreated?" Fret not, young one. This creme is made the exact same way that they make sourdough bread.

AIDS - This is actually the most difficult disease to treat. The infected person has to tickle a white supremacist and capture the elicited giggles in a golden butterfly net bestowed to them by Aphrodite. Then, they must individually wash their T-cells with a shampoo created from the giggles.

Yeast Infection - This is simple. Get an Asian virgin to titter coyly into your vagina until the yeast monster explodes. (This can be very painful and will definitely leave your lady parts looking like a half-finished cherry pie at a pie eating contest.)

Cold and Flu - You know what they say, "Feed a cold, starve a fever." You probably know what you have to do then. If you have a cold, you have to make a baby laugh and, when it does, you have to eat it. If, at any point when you're eating it, it begins to cry, you have to make it laugh or else you'll have to start all over with another baby. This rarely happens, though, because, while it may seem barbaric, cannibalism is enjoyable for all involved. You know what phrase has never been uttered, "Help! I'm being eaten!" It's usually, "Haha! I'm being eaten! All right! This is awesome!" As far as starving the fever goes, well, they were wrong. You have to eat a giggling baby for that, too. Only in this case, the baby has to have colic.

Pregnancy - Some would say that this isn't an illness and doesn't need to be "cured." But, with the illegality of abortion looming on the horizon because Jesus is making the rules now, some people are searching for home abortion kits. All you have to do is take one of your iPod earbuds, slide that thing up into the area that got you into trouble in the first place, and play that unborn fetus some Larry the Cable Guy. The anti-laughter that he creates will actually make the baby choke itself with the umbilical cord. Problem solved. For the most part. You still should probably buy some new headphones. You can sell your old ones on ebay for a profit.

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