Number One Like a Stream of Urine Trickling through the Internet Forest!

This is not hyperbole. Today is a fantastic day. My blog is the very first result that comes up when you put "unicorn trapper keeper" into google. NUMBER ONE!

So, you're an eight-year-old girl and you want to impress your friends on the first day back to school? Why not go to google and see if you can find that one object that you know they'll all be jealous of? Oh, hey, what's this? Don't read this weblog? That sounds like a dare. You like dares. You jumped off the monkey bars when nobody else would. Why don't you go ahead and click that? Anal beads? Those sound pretty. Ask your parents to buy you some. Kick a seven-year-old girl in her cunt? What's that mean? Your only frame of reference for the word cunt comes from Sunday nights when Daddy keeps putting that brown bottle to his mouth and then gets really mad at Mommy because Mommy "looks less like Charlie's There On (whoever that guy is) and more like a stupid cunt."

This site is cool. Isn't it, Jennifer? You should bookmark it and show it to all of your friends at school.

Though I'm an Atheist and know Hell doesn't exist, if it did, there would be a room specifically there for me where gargoyles with mailbox-size cocks with serrated edges that are always on fire take turns (or, on Must-See Thursdays, all at once) raping me and telling me that I'm not funny (that part is actually more painful).