Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Against All Odds!

Phil Collins was a man ahead of his time. Granted, the words to his song bearing the same name having nothing to do with this post, but I just thought I'd mention it. Invisible Touch? Genius and about telekinesis. The only other song about telekinesis that I know is It's Raining Men.

On to the meat of this thing. I have a tattoo that says exactly that a couple inches below my belly button. It's written in Ye Olde English-style lettering because I'm a classy lady.

If you take a multiple choice test and guess 'C' the entire time, odds are that, if there are four options for each question, you'll get around 25% of the answers right. While 25% is not a passing grade by any stretch, it's still better than the track record that my mighty president has when appointing members of his Presidential Dream Team or whatever the hell it's called. In fact, he would have had a better chance of getting Larry Bird elected to the Supreme Court than Harriet Miers. At least his name is exactly what an eagle is and Americans fucking love eagles.

The latest of his appointments to go south and reek of baby vomit baked in a kiln made of beer-shit and ball sweat is Alberto "He's Mexican, Look How Diverse the President's Cabinet Is" Gonzales. See, he tried to fire the U.S. prosecutors who opposed GWB's ideas because they opposed his policies. I heard that he's not supposed to do things like that because it's unethical or something. It's been a couple of years since I took the Bar.

But, how can somebody be so consistently bad at making decisions? That's like this girl on The Price Is Right.

But even she eventually wins. (Spoiler alert)

I would love to meet GWB in person, just to see how far his idiocy goes.

A crowd of onlookers mill about for some made-up occasion so that I can have some one-on-one time with George W. Bush. I approach him, holding my fists clenched, arms out toward him, backs of my hands, facing the sky.

Okay, Mr. President. You'll get three
chances here. I have a one hundred
dollar bill in one hand and nothing in
the other hand. Three chances. Two
hands. One hundred dollars. Pick.

Is this a trick? I guess your left foot.

Okay, that's one guess, sir. No. It isn't
my left foot.

Aww, shoot. I had it on good authority
that it was in your left foot. You got me.

Fool you once...

Yeah. I like that saying.

Next guess. Two more guesses. Two
hands. You can do this, sir.

Well, I can see something sticking out
of your right hand that looks like it
might be some money. Hold on.

GWB snaps his fingers and a MAN who is chewing on a bloody, disembodied child's arm drops it and runs over.

GWB (cont.)
Dick, he's got some money in one of his
hands. Which one is it?

Well, Mr. President, did you try...

Yes, I tried his left foot. He says it's not

Hmm. Well, there goes my first guess.
But he has some money sticking
out of his right hand, so obviously he's
trying to trick you and it's in his left.

I'm not trying to trick you. That's a
very good guess based on the evidence
that's right in front of you. If I were
you, I'd definitely pick my right hand.

You. You're tricky. I'm going to say
your left hand. You're not going to
make a fool out of me.

I open my left hand to reveal nothing. Cheney scurries away, growling at a crying, one-armed girl who quickly drops her bloodied stump and runs away.

Wow, sir. When I started to write out
this scenario, I thought for sure you
couldn't possibly be that dumb.

I'm full of surprises. Do you like magic?

I'm a grown man, sir.

I love magic. Have you seen that David
Blaine fellow? I'm pretty sure he's the
real deal. I saw him fly. He's so
mysterious just like a real wizard.

That sounds impressive. You have one more
chance. It's not in my left hand or somehow
in my left foot and your only other choice is my
right hand. What do you choose?

You know, I'm going to have to ask the
American people. See what they believe.

An ASSISTANT hands GWB a sheet of paper.

GWB (cont.)
It says here that there was a poll taken by
some guy named Roy Ters.

It's Reuters. It's a do you even
misread that? It's impossible to even think
it says that. Whatever. Talk.

And Roy says 95% of the American people
believe that the money is in your right hand.

There. Go with them. They're right.
Listen to them. Listen to the American

One second.

GWB closes his eyes and nods his head, mumbling under his breath.

What are you...?

His arm juts forward, his finger pressing against my lips, quieting me.

Shhh. I'm talking to Jesus.

You don't need to talk...

I open my right hand face up revealing the money so he can see it.

ME (cont.)
See that? That's the money in my
right hand. Just say that it's in my...

Jesus says it's in your left. Am I right?
Did I get it? Where's the confetti?

I hope Dick Cheney eats you.


Anonymous said...

Bob looked like he wanted to choke a bitch. Fin.

Phil said...

Roy Ters, rofl

it's even funnier because for the longest time I thought it was pronounced Rew (rhymes with "Dew") Ters.