Supermarket Creep!

Tonight at the grocery store, while I was purchasing generic Cookie Crisp (Chip Mates), the cashier guy let his freak flag fly. I look off to the side as he starts to scan my goodies and I see this girl leaving. I take note and don't avert my gaze because she's wearing a half shirt and low-rider jeans. It's pleasant enough.

Joe Albertsons notices and this conversation happens.

JOE ALBERTSONS
You see that? Yeah. She's a regular. She comes in
here all the time.

Editor's note: Like I'm a fucking idiot and I have no idea what the hell a regular means.

ME
Yeah?

JOE ALBERTSONS
Yeah. She's always wearing some half-
shirt and no bra.

ME
...

JOE ALBERTSONS
It's pretty great. Those huge Double
Ds. It looks like she's horny all the time.
It's like she's smuggling 48 caliber bullets...

And he trails off while I silently scream inside my own face praying he stops talking about this before he starts jerking off with the tub of Country Crock I bought. Because that's why I bought it. It's for me.

Sleight of Ham!

I went to the Magic Castle tonight in Hollywood for a friend's birthday and as we were going to leave, I overheard the best exchange. There was this older magician guy, really sleazy looking, hitting on these two young girls sitting waiting for the valet to return with their car. It was obvious, to me, that he had no chance with them, but I don't think it was obvious to him. Well, that is until this happened.

He says to the girls, "Magicians are like wine. They get better with age."

The girl replies, "You must be really good then."

That was the best magic trick of the night.