It sounds like I'm making it up, but I'm not. Michael Jackson wants to build a giant, 50 foot robot of himself that shoots lasers to roam the Las Vegas desert. I'm sorry, maybe you didn't catch that. Michael Jackson wants to make a giant robot of himself that he'll let loose in the Las Vegas desert. And it shoots lasers.
I want to know how it will work. Will it be one of those things he sits inside like a bad guy in a video game? Or can he control it from a secret underground lair? Maybe, while it's being created, the building will be struck by lightning and it will take on a life of its own. It'll be like Johnny 5 from Short Circuit, except with a huge, Vitiligo-riddled robo-dong.
That sounds like something he told somebody he wanted to do after he had a terrible crying fit over something.
INT. MICHAEL'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
MICHAEL sits on a couch, arms folded, crying. His agent, HARVEY, stands pleading with Michael.
Michael, I'm sorry that we had to turn off
your XBox, but you had been playing for 30
straight hours. Please stop crying.
But I wanted to keep playing XBox.
Your children were worried about you.
Children? I don't have any children.
I made new friends using my penis and
Okay. Well, whatever. Just stop crying.
What can I do to make you stop crying?
Do you want something?
What do you want, Michael? You want me
to shape Elephant Man's bones into tiny
dinosaurs for you again?
No! I want...I want...a giant robot.
A giant robot? We can do that.
Harvey picks up his phone.
Get me a giant robot. I don't know.
Japan probably makes them. They love
He hangs up.
Wait. I want a giant robot of me.
Of you? People can't be robots, Michael.
Only robots can be robots.
And it has to shoot lasers. Yeah.
Fine. You want a giant Michael Jackson
robot that shoots lasers. And then
you'll stop crying?
Where do you want me to put it?
Neverland Ranch right between the
pirate ship made of graham crackers and
the tree shaped like Emmanuel Lewis?
Well, you're out of room, Michael.
Where do you want it?
I WANT IT TO ROAM THE LAS VEGAS DESERT!
Of course you do.
AND THEN I WANT TO BUY LAS VEGAS AND
HAVE ALL THE SLOT MACHINES GIVE OUT FREE
COTTON CANDY! AND THEN...AND THEN...
One thing at a time, Michael. One thing
Harvey looks over at the couch. Michael is curled up, asleep, clutching Richard Pryor's corpse.
...time. Goodnight, sweet prince.
I'm not going to make any pedophile jokes, though. Those are hacky and overdone. Plus, he hasn't ever been convicted of those crimes, so it wouldn't be fair. This is absolutely true, though. When asked why he decided to build this contraption, Michael responded that he had been trying for years to find a way to rape that adorable Bob's Big Boy.