Wild fires? Or are they misunderstood?

Here in Southern California the tenth circle of Hell has just recently opened up and starting swallowing cities one neighborhood at a time. Of course, every News Channel and non-news channel is covering this (I think the Food Network is running a special on how to cook outdoors or something). As with any news situation, there's only so much to say. Every channel tries to get their own angle on the story -and they all have some stupid name for it. Right now ABC is calling it "Firestorm" which is pretty misleading because it's not raining fire from the sky. Wouldn't that constitute a firestorm? I mean, that would be a whole hell of a lot cooler if that was the case.

Back to my point. This morning on the aptly named Today show (because it's happening TODAY), they had, of all people, Al Roker here in San Bernardino County covering the fires. I don't know what their thinking on all of this was. He's a meteorologist. If a meteor caused the fires, then he's your man, but I don't think that's how it happened. Again, that would be way cooler. So, exercising his vast journalistic ability, Al Roker asked an "Eyewitness" to the fire the following question: "So, what's the fire like?" I don't know what kind of answer he was looking for, but he got the answer that I would have given. "It's really really hot." Well, there you have it folks. Investigative journalism at its pinnacle. Al Roker, a previously chubby weatherman with the hard-hitting questions that you want to ask.

Al Roker will also be covering future "Stormwatch" and "Earthquake-storm-watch" happenings here in Southern California. He'll be asking some of your favorite questions like: "So, the rain, is it as wet as it seems?" and "Now, was the whole area shaking around you during the quake?". Al Roker, the reason weathermen stick to weather.

For things and stuff that I should write about (or for the Al Roker fans, not write about) e-mail me here.

Chew Toy!

In an apparently "really awesome" disappearing act, half of Roy's head managed to vanish out of sight and into the stomach of a 250 pound white tiger the other day.

So, Roy of the "Siegfried and Roy's International Steakhouse" chain of restaurants (and their magic act) has been hospitalized. It turns out that doing "magic" involving massive amounts of rare white tigers is a little on the dangerous side. Roy was mauled by one of the duo's white tiger's while performing on stage. This would have been the only time that I would have wanted to dole out the $100+ to see that show. I mean, imagine being able to watch somebody's who's been "asking for it the whole time" finally getting it. And I don't mean that in a gay way. He's been "getting it" in that department for years. And by department I mean the Men's Department at Macy's. And by Macy's I mean...nevermind.

Apparently Roy is in some sort of condition at the hospital. This condition ranges from good to serious or critical. I'm bad with medical terms. I am sure that being in the hospital is not a good thing, so it's probably one of the other ones. There's also the "Code Cinnamon" that I've heard of, but I think that was just on that gay porn I accidentally watched one time called "St. Ballhair".

I'm sure Siegfried is hanging out bedside with "Nip" and "Tuck" their two favorite white tigers. I just can't wait until the footage of that shows up on the internet. There has to be some sort of footage of Roy getting dragged around by his magical head.

Everytime I come around your city Bling Bling!

Any suggestions of what I should write about or comments in general (like don't write anymore) can be sent to Me here

And I Will Call Him Jesus!

I started this "blog" as a way for me to write something that strikes me as funny whenever I feel like it. What I would write would forever be kept in the annals of hell that is the internet; never to be heard from again, like Yahoo Serious. As you may have noticed I put quotation marks around the word "blog". This is my way of creating a faux distance from this tool as if I am somehow above it. I really think I'm much better than everything, including you. I don't mean to think these things, it's just that, well, you don't know the difference between "your" and "you're" and that irritates me. Because this irritates me, it then --in turn-- means that I am better than you because you irritate me and not the other way around.

On a completely different note, I thought of something odd when I started to write this but it wouldn't let me use it as the title, it was too long:
Underwater hyper-active flourescent monkey gymnasts!
We chronicle the adventures of these five glow-in-the-dark primates as they travel the Seven Seas performing their tumbling routines all the while they try to oppress their attention deficit disorder (with hyper-activity at no extra charge!). Meet Zeke, Two-tone, Ray-Ray, Ernest Borgnine, and Mickey Mouse (no relation so I can't get sued. Seriously, that's just his name, you want him to change it? That's messed up).

I haven't worked out all the logistics of this, but it'll be huge. Trust me.

I live in California and right now we've got all that Governor-related business going on. I know you don't care --and by "you" I mean nobody since nobody will read this-- but here's my take on everything. I would love for us to get another Governor! I mean, Gray Davis has had a tough time, he could use the help. Imagine, all the other states have one Governor but California gets two. I guess that means we get one for each letter 'i' in the state's name. It's a good thing Mississippi doesn't employ this rule or they'd have like seven Governors. But Arnold and Gray Davis could beat any other pair of state's Governor's in a no-holds-barred steel-cage match.

On the same note, I swear to all that is holy in this world (i.e. Mary Kate and Ashley Olson and "Blue" from Old School) every time I hear some person in the media refer to Arnold Schwarzenegger as "The Governator" or anything like that, I cut off a finger. The women at the old-folks home are getting mighty low on fingers. Rose and Blanche are already out all ten, Sophia's down only two. You hear that folks at Fox News? You can save what's left of the hands of Estelle Getty if you will just stop trying to come up with clever names for Arnold if he became Governor. I mean, honestly, isn't it already funny enough that he's actually polling well? Do you actually have to try to interject some of your "humor" (see the quotes again? I'm a bastard) to actually add something to this story? It kills me and it's slowly killing the Golden Girls.

As my first entry, I'm rather proud of what I've got going here. It's long and strong and it's down to get the friction on! I don't know how to end this, I need to come up with something clever to sign off with. Here goes!

Keep those pot handles turned in!

If you have any suggestions as to what I should write about --and I mean anything-- send me an e-mail at dirtiestbastard@hotmail.com

I Hate Comics: Index!

I Hate Comics 1

I Hate Comics 2

I Hate Comics 3

I Hate Comics 4

I Hate Comics 5

I Hate Comics 6

I Hate Comics 7

I Hate Comics 8

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I Hate Comics 11

I Hate Comics 12

I Hate Comics 13

I Hate Comics 14

I Hate Comics 15

I Hate Comics 16