Wednesday, December 10, 2003


Naps are great. Sometimes I'll take like four in a day just because I can. Sometimes, when I'm napping, I dream about taking more naps. There are times when I'm lying there, napping, and I'm struck with the thought, what are you doing here napping when you could be out doing something, but then, at the mere thought of the absurdity of the question, it exits my mind.

You know what else I like? Of course you do, you're me, the only person who reads this. Well, I'll put it in type just in case you ever forget what I like. I really like lesbians. They are awesome. Granted, only the good-looking lesbians are what I'm really interested in, but lesbians in general are just awesome. They have so much going for them. I mean, the fact that they have the same pieces as the other person they're with, yet they still want to touch/fondle/caress/lick/burn/bite those other person's parts is so respectable. Then, couple that with the fact that they put these things on video for so many of us to see, I mean, they have to be the most giving people in the world. In fact, I'm fairly positive that all lesbians should be put up for Nobel Peace Prizes. As we speak (and remember, when I say 'we' I mean me and me since nobody else reads this) I'm busy writing a letter to the Council That Decides Who Should Win Noble Peace Prizes (you think they'd make that more succinct) about this whole idea.

By the way, if you are reading this (anybody but me, somebody I don't know preferably), send me an email and let me know just how awful all of this is.

Monday, December 01, 2003

Mickey's Severed Head!

Have you ever had to set a mousetrap? I'm not talking about those new-fangled glue traps where the mouse gets stuck on it and tries to gnaw off its own leg. No. I'm talking about the old school mousetraps. The mousetraps that look like medieval torture devices.

They're scary as hell.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a complete and total stud in all aspects of manlihood. But, oh my God if I didn't almost pee my pants trying to set that thing. And I had to do two of them! It's scary because the stupid thing is more sensitive than a fat girl at a dance. I don't even know if that analogy made sense, I just wanted to say 'fat girl at a dance'. Anyway, now I know where the expression comes from about building a better mouse trap because there's no way in my life I'm setting another mouse trap. I'll buy some nightvision goggles and a beebee gun to hunt them down instead of setting another mouse trap.

I also think I was afraid of it because the traps that I got looked all rusted and tuberculosis-inducing. They were in a package and everything, but I think they were recycled or somebody left them out in the rain or something. If that thing slapped shut on my hand (which it tried to do like nine times), I know for sure I would have had to go get a tetnis shot, rabies, AIDS (the new AIDS shot, coming soon), and a pink eye shot. That thing was more disease ridden than (insert skanky girl name from your high school, ex-girlfriend/boyfriend, or Pamela Anderson's name here).

This has been a friendly public service announcement reminding you not to ever set a mouse trap because they're very scary and will probably result in you crying a lot because you're not quite as manly as I am.

Email me here for story ideas, suggestions, or to agree with me on just how frightening mouse traps are.