Tuesday, April 05, 2005


I hope you pushed your clocks forward over the weekend because it's time to spend all that Government-mandated Daylight we've been saving up for the past six months. I got a little anxious and pushed my clocks ahead two weeks ago. In order to account for this premature clock manipulation, I'm going to turn my clock back for one weekend a month, two weeks a year. It's like I'm a reserve Marine except I get to live.

I was looking for news to write about and I saw this headline and, the eight year old in me (not the boy that is sodomizing me--he's ten) had to comment on it. Pfizer sees long term growth. That's right. It's a story about the people who make Viagra and that's the headline they went with. They passed up the headlines: "Pfizer Doesn't Blow Load Early: Expects Huge Explosion Down the Line," "Pfizer Stiff Competition for Drug Companies," and "Viagra Company Earnings Increase--Balls, Cock, Balls, Erect Penis."

In more news about headlines that bother me, some Florida newspaper reports that some rocket may not be able to take off on its scheduled day. Except, they must have had a goddamn fire sale on the letter 'f' because the headline is "May 15 Liftoff Iffy." The reporter who wrote that spit all over several of his coworkers relaying the story, and they were too polite to say anything. Now they all have Hepatitis.

So, the Pope died the other day. His funeral will be in a few days when he will be burned and will fade away leaving no remnants, other than his lightsaber, behind.

You've probably heard by now about the way that they choose the new Pope. 15 to 20 days after the Pope dies, a bunch of Cardinals get together, in a very secretive ceremony, to discuss who becomes the new Jesus. The way that they let people know whether or not they've chosen a new Pope is through the use of smoke signals. They're like Indians (Woo Woo Indians, not "Thank you, come again" Indians), but without all the cool names or tomahawks. See, if they're still deciding, the smoke billowing from Jesus Headquarters will be black. Once they've decided, the smoke will turn white. It's good to know that the way they decide a Pope is the exact same way Marty and Doc got the train to speed up in Back to the Future 3.

Interesting thought of the day:
If you encounter somebody with a lazy eye and don't know where to look, stop the conversation you're having and say to them, "Which one of those should I concentrate on, Columbo? I don't want to embarrass you, Sandy Duncan." Then everything will be much less awkward.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I know a guy with a lazy eye, he doesn't really care which one you look at, we all call him Blinky.