Because there has to be a God for headlines like this to happen.
"Tests Show Three in Turkey Have Bird Flu"
I just hope that this means that soon starvation will be a problem in Hungary and people will be freezing to death in Chile.
It's like God gets his ideas from Bazooka Joe comics. I know that's where I get mine.
Pat Robertson, Public Relations director for the one and only God (or, as you may know him: Yahweh, Elohim, and Jehovah--"In Latin, Jehovah starts--with an i"), has finally found some blame within himself.
His declaration that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel "Little Mermaid" Sharon's stroke was God's retribution because he had attempted to divide God's land was the latest in a series of vengeful attacks by the man upstairs (Where do you think the term landlord comes from? It's the same place the term gaylord comes from: upstairs).
In a recent visit to McDonald's, however, Robertson finally felt the wrath which, up until this point, he had only reported second-hand. He ordered a number two regular-sized (gluttony is a sin) with a Diet Coke (Jesus invented Nutra-Sweet), and three chocolate-chip cookies. This is when God's fury and vengeance became evident to Robertson.
"I'm sorry. We're all out of chocolate-chip cookies."
He stumbled backward from the counter. He later told reporters that he felt a warm shower of loving hate flow over his body when he heard these words.
"No chocolate-chip cookies. For me! Pat Robertson!"
After an apparent telepathic conversation with Allah (this is what awful people call God), Robertson finally realized what it was that caused this terrible event.
"I drove through an intersection today and a light turned red while I was in it. It's my own fault. I should have seen this coming. Also, I wish slavery was still legal, bathe every morning in fresh kitten blood, and I like to watch Dancing with the Stars."
In the Spring, Pat Robertson will be releasing a reference book of crimes punishable by God's wrath along with their respective punishment in the wildly inappropriately-titled Your Asshole Is Bleeding Because God Hates Faggots.
Click comic comic comic comic comic comic. Comic day late comic. Comic comic comic comic!
Remember when you were a kid and it was illegal to fight crime without a license?
Remember when the only source of energy on the planet was created by a room full of people hired to rub balloons on the carpet?
Remember how the English language used to only consist of clicks and pops and, when written, was much like Morse Code, but color-coded?
Remember when you used to be able to buy a loaf of bread for one broken unicorn horn?
Remember when people used to be allowed to take any child home from the hospital they wanted and leave one if they wished? Remember how this spawned the less-traumatic Take-a-penny/Leave-a-penny tray at your local convenience store?
Remember when human blood used to constantly seep through people's pores? Remember when there was nothing but wet red clothing?
Remember when tackle football used to be played in kitty litter?
Remember when cars used to be powered by baby dolphin tears?
Remember when humans used to eat steel like it was cake?
Remember when quicksand used to cover 95% of the earth's surface and chocolate syrup covered the other five?
Remember when every human was born with both sets of genitals and the doctor got to decide what sex the baby would be by calling a witch doctor and playing Paper, Rock, Scissors over the phone--which never worked.
Remember how tornadoes used to be made entirely of confetti and people always accidentally mistook them for giant surprise parties?
Remember when the President of the United States was a position filled by a lottery and the job only consisted of roaming the country washing floors? That was the height of the job title versus job description wars.
Remember when income taxes used to be paid off in marathon breakdancing sessions?
Tick tock the clock is ticking
It's time to punch your brother
Tick tock the clock is ticking
Don't forget to eat your peas
Clock click the tick is clocking
Can I borrow that shovel please?
Clock click the tick is clocking
I can find underground water with two sticks
Once in a lifetime people die
Penguins have bad memories
I hope you're not allergic to cancer
Things are happier in the pantry
Tick tock the clock is ticking
All French people can see through walls
Tick tock the clock is ticking
Take off your shirt and order some sea monkeys
Clock click the tick is clocking
Your label maker just won't work
Clock click the tick is clocking
Dangerous sandwich fights all fires
Once in a lifetime people die
Hamster silverware laundry hat
The milk's gone bad because it hung out with the wrong crowd
That last line is non-conformist
Tick tock the clock is ticking
Lock the door to keep in the mice
Tick tock the clock is ticking
Hand grenade soup is our special today
