I Want a Famous Face (That Looks Like It Was Hit By a Bus!)

In keeping with my MTV shows theme that I've got going on here, I want to yell at you about the show I Want a Famous Face. I don't like to get all political and retrospective about things, but fuck. What the hell does this kind of show say about the type of society in which we live? People spend their own money so that they can look like their favorite celebrity through all sorts of plastic surgery.

The good part about this show, however, is that the people almost always end up looking like what that celebrity would look like if they had an extra 21st chromosome. There are two that have gone down as my favorites. The first one of these consisted of a pair of twins that wanted to both look like Brad Pitt. One of them had the worst acne I've seen in a long time --and this is including my back. They both got venires (big-ass fake teeth), and a bunch of work done to their messed up faces. They even got their hair done by some fabulous hairdresser. Of course, after surgery they looked, especially one of them that had implants put all up in his face, like they had been stung by a thousand super bees. Then, weeks later it showed them at some party where their "friends" were saying things like, "Oh, they...do...look like Brad Pitt." They were so paid to say that shit. Unless MTV left out the part where all of their friends were stricken with glaucoma. They then went on to try to get agents and head shots for their soon-to-be prospering modeling career. The delusion in these two men would have been admirable to see in just one man, but in two men it is phenomenal. I look more like Brad Pitt than they do and I'm a black female midget.

The second episode that I love is awesome in a completely different way. By the way, when I say "love" I mean that I can't believe that this sort of shit actually makes it on TV. It's sort of difficult to explain, so bear with me. A guy, who loves Jennifer Lopez (J-Lo for all the people reading this that I fucking hate), and wants to look like her because he's a trans-something (vestite or sexual, I don't know the difference), gets his surgery to try to make this dream come true. He's completely a man, though, parts-wise. He's got a wiener that he eludes to later on in the show when he talks about how his "straight" boyfriend is in love with him. Anyway, the fantastic part about this is that there HAD to have been a meeting where there was discussion on whether or not they had to blur out this person's nipples on TV. Much to my surprise, and masturbatory disappointment, his (HIS --IT'S A GUY) nipples were blurred out. Before the breast-augmentation operation they were blurred. Since when is it not allowed to show man-titties on TV? Anyway, this is how I imagine the decision to blur the shit out went:

MTV EXEC: So, we've got this guy who wants to look like J-Lo (he'd say this because he's an MTV douchebag).

MTV CENSOR GUY: Okay, and...?

MTV EXEC: Well, at one point he gets a boob job.

MTV CENSOR GUY: Jesus Christ, what's wrong with people?

MTV EXEC: I don't know. Kids eat this shit up. Anyway, he's a guy. He's fully a guy.

MTV CENSOR GUY: Peepee?

MTV EXEC: What? Yeah. I think you're asking if he's got a penis. Yes, he does.

MTV CENSOR GUY: Okay, let's pretend that's what I meant.

MTV EXEC: Well, I was just wondering if we're going to have to blur his nipples out.

MTV CENSOR GUY: You're telling me that this is somebody who is, anatomically, a man, 100-percent?

MTV EXEC: Ana-what?

MTV CENSOR GUY: Peepee!

MTV EXEC: Oh. Yes.

MTV CENSOR GUY: But he thinks, inside his head, that he's a woman trapped in a man's body?

MTV EXEC: Yes. He feels like he's a woman.

MTV CENSOR GUY: Blur it!

MTV EXEC: What? But he's a...

MTV CENSOR GUY: BLUR IT YOU SICK SONOFABITCH!

MTV EXEC: I don't know why you're getting so hostile. I...

MTV CENSOR GUY: Two words: Janet Jackson.

MTV EXEC: I'm not following. Is this a...? Oh, wait. I get it. Tito Jackson.

MTV CENSOR GUY: I don't think you do get it.

MTV EXEC: Oh, I thought we were naming our favorite Jackson.

MTV CENSOR GUY: What makes you think that, out of nowhere, I'd just start to play that game?

MTV EXEC: I don't know. It's big around the office here.

MTV CENSOR GUY: Anyway, blur his boobs.

MTV EXEC: So because he thinks that he's a woman, because of what he's thinking at that moment, we have to censor his nipples?

MTV CENSOR GUY: Exactly. It makes perfect sense, right?

MTV EXEC: Not at all.

MTV CENSOR GUY: Just do it. I don't want to get calls.

MTV EXEC: Fine.

MTV CENSOR GUY: That ought to do it, right?

MTV EXEC: I guess. Just curious, though, when we air our summer shows from the Beach house, and we've got all these guys wandering around with their shirts off, do we have to ask them if they feel that, deep within their heart of hearts, they are really a woman?

MTV CENSOR GUY: Err on the side of caution.

MTV EXEC: This is going to cost us a ton in Nipple blurring overtime money.

MTV CENSOR GUY: I don't care. Remember, Janet Jackson.

MTV EXEC: TITO. No. No. Jermaine! Randy!

MTV CENSOR GUY: You're right. It is fun.

The two men argue for nine straight hours and ultimately wind up dry humping on the desk.

That concludes this presentation of Executive Theatre. Tune in next week when we discuss what went into the ABC show "The Swan".

Stupid makeover shows. I want a makeover show of my own, but I want it in reverse. I want to see if they can give me a cleft pallete and sew on a fourth and fifth nipple. Maybe I'll even get that nose augmentation surgery I've always wanted. I will call it "Quasimojo". The tagline: "Nobody can resist that just-escaped-from-the-Belltower look! Coming this summer following The Littlest Groom."

That was a long entry. I'm proud of me. I think I'm going to do this more often so I can feel like I'm writing on a regular basis like I should be.

If you want to talk to me about this or anything in particular, email me.